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Sunday, June 14, 2009
Conflicting Emotions>Hey...
I am not really feeling well now, think I'm going to be ill or something but it's alright. I'm going to be alright eventually. As I have always have. Even if I somehow didn't pull through this time, it's alright. I don't want to have burdened anyone. Be a nuisance. I have been a burden and a nuisance to everyone long enough.
Why am I feeling so down, you asked, alarmed.
Recently I found my sister through Facebook, and it caused a storm of emotions crashing into me. Relief, and suddenly I miss her like crazy. Glad that she sent me an advance birthday message, accepted my request to be friend, and said that she missed me so much and that she was sorry for what she had done.
Damn right. She better be.
But when I saw her photos (I know she likes to be photograph, she is really not camera-shy. I don't quite like be photographed, but I like to take photos of others), I felt a wave of regret. Guilt. That I am not by her side. That I SHOULD be by her side right then. But the spot next to hers remains stubbornly empty, the place where I should be, and heck I should be the one taking her photographs... but no, it doesn't turn out that way.
And through her photographs she is happy. I am happy about that, but I couldn't help but think if she's happier when I am not there than when I was there.
And it hurts. It is killing me inside.
Then, there is my Mum.
The one I had pinned all possible hopes, and she had them shattered into irrepairable pieces. I still haven't picked up all of it, still AFRAID to pick up all of it and patch it back together.
She wrote an entry about us, her children, in her blog, and boy, did it rip me into shreds when I read it.
I fought the increasing sadness, the renewed pain but only managed to keep it just underneath my facade.
If only she knew just how to cross the bridge between us, breach through the walls that I have put up around my heart....
And the way is simple.
Accepting me for who I am, for my imperfections.
Keep sending me sms-es, that show she cares. Whether I reply or not, because eventually I will reply.
Understands me, or at least tries to.
There was a time I still hoped for these, but now I past caring.
As in A7X's 'Descerate Through Reverance'
Darkened past you'll see,
There is no hope, no savior in me
Learned from years gone by, no one will care
What happens to me
And that sums it nicely.
Saturday, January 10, 2009
The Struggle > It is all crystal clear to me now.
Even when I have a family. of my own flesh and blood, I feel like I don't have any.
Like what the Demon said to Dean at the Season 1 finale, 'When you fight, you fight for the family, Dean, but they don't need you, not like you need them.'
Come to think of it, there is so much similarities between him and me. We need our family, but they don't need us.
They can live without me. I am nothing to them. Just a mistake. A burden to them.
And I was betrayed. Again. This time, my own mother did it. My feelings, my expectations, my hope. All crushed and shattered and can never be replaced. And it was replaced by something very bitter. When anger, confusion, disappointment and despair all rolled into one, what will you get?
Believe me, you don't want to know.
Now, I have made a decision. Not to depend on anyone anymore. Not even a group called family. They are not worth depending. I have been cast aside enough times. Had enough hurt and pain. Time to prove to them that I can lead my own life, can survive and will succeed, will prove them wrong.
And I will not, will never run back to them. Whatever I have to face, I will face it alone. On my own. With my own strength and ability.
It is sad and painful to think about your own family don't need you in their lives. But a fact remains a fact. I have to live with it I shall.
I can't imagine living in my grandma's house my entire adult life, with or without my aunt or cousin. Being treated like a tool who slaves for money, for them and not for me. How hard is that? And not given the freedom you deserve... I can't take the nonsense anymore.
And one thing for sure, I will never look for her again. So much for not bringing up the past, so much for not bringing up the expenses she had forked up for me... trust me, if it's money she wants so much, I will pay her every single cent she had used on me. One day, I'll pay it all. If it makes her happy. If she could just shut up. When I said I have enough, I am not kidding.
Call me whatever you want. Seems some people just want me to turn nasty. And I will. Since they are asking for it. I would be bad to deny them their wish, right?
Afterall, it is dangerous to provoke a cornered man, for you cannot guess what he will do to save himself.
And with that, I take my leave.
Saturday, December 20, 2008
The Final Straw > They say every single person has his limits.
And I have very nearly reached mine.
Because that She-Devil demanded for the house keys. Yeah, like it is her goddamned house. Like she OWNS it when she is just a fuckin' co-owner.
And it is outrageous. Because I am not a freeloader, I don't stay there for free. I pay, goddammit! Even renting out the landlord gives you the key because you pay them. This is utterly, disgustingly outrageous!
Fine. I am so leaving that hell. My final decision. I will find a place to rent, and I will be and stay free. No more having to compromise. I had enough!
You can't separate peace from freedom because no one can be at peace unless he has his freedom.
- Malcolm X (1925 - 1965), Malcolm X Speaks, 1965
Wednesday, December 03, 2008
AGONY > Wow... this is going to be my 95th post since goodness knew when...
And right now, I think I just have to type this down, or it will become a fatal poison that eats me from inside and rots its way outside.
Right now, believe it or not, I am sitting in front of a computer in the library from 10am to right now, 1.35pm. Hooked to reading Supernatural's Dean fanfiction, if nothing else. Fancy how that sort of 'From Fan to Fan' thing gets you addicted.
But best of all, I'm away from home (yeah, like I can call that a home) and am so nice and relaxed here... being in that sorry excuse for a home brings so much stress, stress I don't know it's there and refuse to admit. Afterall, I'm rather immune to stress.
Until now.
They are driving me crazy, but apparently I still have a thread of sanity left that kept me from the IMH wards. Wonder why, because I am sooo freaking mad at them for making my life equally miserable. Money, money, money. It's all in their goddamned heads. Money to pay for this and that and to buy this and that... and how I, yes, goddammit, I, should be the one shouldering the utility bills, phone bills and grocery shopping with what little I earn. How I should save and all of that darned crap. Please. I am already 20, allow me some chances to make my own decisions and do things MY way! And if I am the one dishing out all the monetary matters, then what is nice wonderful aunt doing?
Shaking her legs at home and barking and shouting as and when she likes, that's what! Aunt Agony... I can't help but sneer at that phrase. How fitting. She is Aunt in Agony, Aunt who gives Agony. Geez.
Imagine this. Having someone (Heck, I don't even see her as a someone anymore... more in lines of a particular 'She-Devil') when she's not working, sleeps till the sun is high in the sky, never lift a finger to help out in the chores, never take an initiative to carry out the responsibility of a mother to her own daugher, complains and demands just like a (damn, I sooo use want to use that word!) grrr! Like we are her slaves. Heck, look around. Even maids are paid and appreciated. Us? She doesn't even care! Never even utter a single 'Sorry' or 'Thank you'. I doubt she even knows that such words exist.
Ungrateful, fussy and lazy bitch!
There! I am sooo fuckin' angry! Want me to respect her? To be NICE to her when there isn't a single nice bone in her body? You are asking me the impossible, grandma, because I would NOT do that. Sure, to make YOU happy, I'll continue putting up that pleasant, dumb, obediant facade. But I'm telling you, I nearly have ENOUGH. The moment I have a place to live, I am soo outta there, and I WON'T look back.
Trust me, dearest aunt, if in the future you come to me with your equally annoying daughter begging for my help, there will no thought involved. No sympathy, no chances. My answer will be a firm and merciless "NO." and just to see you flinch, I'll add, "And go to hell."
Don't get me wrong. Sure I'm grateful that you've agreed to let me stay, but that is all. If I have someplace to live I will not even go there. That's a total certainty.
There's no happiness, no peace, no light in where I am currently staying now. The air I breathe is stale, and I can't breathe much of it because I'm suffocated! Confined and seriously restrained of my desire to be free. Can't do this, can't do that, don't buy this, don't buy that! Give me a break! I have already sacrificed so much of myself... what more do they want?
They keep saying they are stressed... then how about ME? Are they implying that I'm not stressed at all? Then why do you think I am struggling to work 7 days a week while that woman works for only 12 hours for 3 or 4 days a week? For money? Yes, since they insist so much of it, and sadly to say most of my hard-earned money goes to them, my transport, topping up handphones, paying the course fees, setting a sum for her to keep to shut her up, and a sum for Prudential and NTUC to deduct.... Minus all that, I am left with just a few pathetic dollars for my expenses and to enjoy myself. I don't get to buy the stuff I have my eyes on. I barely get the chance to enjoy my hard-earned money.
And another reason is that I want to stay away from that place for as long as I possibly can. The shorter hours spent there, the happier I'll feel. How I survive 24 hours there is beyond me. Seriously.
Not forgetting her annoying daughter... call me cruel, but I don't even have a spark of love for that little spoiled brat. To me she's a whiny girl who don't even talk sense, who pines for so much attention and wants so many things. I can't stand her! She got sore eyes from me, and I don't even feel remotely sorry for her. A twinge of guilt, maybe, but it is smothered by a sense of hot satisfaction. Serve her right for not listening to instructions. All the more I hate her for exaggerating the seriousness of the eye condition. Thank goodness she understands little of her own mother tongue, and English, so she pretty much escapes my wrath.
Right now inside me is a slow, burning anger and hatred. Still, I put on that particular facade for them. But if things go out of hand, I'll do things my way. I'll get out of that place, one day, for sure.
And it is a promise!
All the more when I listen to A7X's Almost Easy, I can't deny how the lyrics rang true.
I feel insane
Every single time I'm asked to compromise
'Cause I'm afraid and stuck in my ways
And that's the way it stays
So how long did I expect love to outweigh ignorance?
By that look on your face
I may have forced the scale to tip
I'm not insane, I'm not insane
I'm not insane, I'm not... not insane
Damn right. I do feel insane every single time I'm asked to compromise. Like I have nothing better to do except to compromise, compromise and compromise every SINGLE time. Understand them and all that shit, then how about me? Do they understand me? Hah! I don't fucking think so!
Alright. Enough for now. I have enough. You'll probably have enough, too.
There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.
-Maya Angelou (1928 - )
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
F1 Madness > Hello, people!
Hey... did you watch the a-fucking-mazing (hehe... pardon the word) race on Channel 5?
I did, and I didn't miss watching the practice sessions, the qualifying rounds and then the actual race and wow! I have truly forgotten how much I used to love watching F1 races!
It was breath-taking. It stole your breath away. It was heart-stopping. At times there were moments when your heart literally stopped beating. And most of all, it was damn, WOW. I loved it and am so proud of Singapore to be able to host such fantastic event with such magnificence and grandeur I am so proud of being a Singaporean. Well done, my country!
Ahh... and I came to realize my recent crush on Lewis Hamilton. What can I say? He is hot! Haha! I kept hoping he made it through... and at least be in the top 3. I had FAITH in him. And he didn't disappoint me. Haha! Congrats, Lewis. I KNEW you could do it!
Massa, he taught me an important lesson though... being in the first position doesn't always mean you have that position for as long as you wish... because in a blink of an eye, through a series of unexpected incidents you can be easily be the last, so no matter what, do not let your guard down, and don't be soooo confident or arrogant.
Poor Massa. I can only imagine the despair and frustration he felt. He must have thought of Singapore encouraging his mean streak of luck... or perhaps that wasn't his day or season...
The unfortunate incident involving the Ferarri cars... It's a pity and a shame, because Ferrari is my favourite. But then again, things happened.
And hey, as much as I wanted to listen to the engines of the racing cars, I was soooo glad I tuned in to TV (like I had other choice) because it felt EXCATLY like how I played a racing game in PS2. I nearly laughed out loud when watching incidents of cars taking the wrong turn, (It happened to me in the game, trust me), hit the walls (that happened too often to me, too) and haha, boy, was I excited!
I just hoped there will be another such amazing (now I do away with the word) F1 race in Singapore. I will be looking forward to it like I am looking forward to attending the A7X concert!!
Warmest Regards
Estelwen
CHECK OUT MY NEW BLOG!!! > Hey!!!
I'm alive! Duh.... have always been alive...
But what the HECK! I'm right now quite busy (quite is an understatement, really) polishing up my NEW blog. Trust me, that new blog won't be sooooo emo like this one... and hopefully got nothing to do with my life...
And that blog is bestowed the name of ....
A7X - AVENGED AGAIN!
See? Wasn't kidding when I told you I am a fan of A7X.
Just a fan... not a hardcore or fanatical fan of A7X, not like some others out there... and probably won't be one of them.... but damn, I like them enough.
So... check my new blog out? And do tell me what you think, alright?
This is the link: http://a7x-avenged-again.blogspot.com
Screaming off
Estelwen
Tuesday, September 09, 2008
I Won't See You Tonight (Again) > You know I like Avenged Sevenfold, since goodness know when.
But I'm not here to sing praises for them.
Not now, and not yet.
I have come across this one paticular of their songs and was deeply shocked of how it relates far closer to me than I can imagine.
It shocks, it hurts, and yet it is one of my favourite songs. Among the rest of their songs.
Let me tell you why:
Cry alone, I've gone away
No more nights, no more pain
I've gone alone, took all my strength
I've made the change, I won't see you tonight
That DAY, I have not forgotten that day, that incident, that betrayal. Not from someone I care for so very much, whom I love far more than I love my life. Because of her my entire family looked upon me with disgust and hatred. I felt worse than a dirt at their conscending gazes. Up till the point I couldn't bear it much longer. Couldn't bear being hated by my own family, my own SISTER, and couldn't bear being a burden, a nuisance to them much longer.
Sorrow, sank deep inside my blood
All the ones around meI cared for and loved
So the next very early morning, I fled. Alone. I was in too much of an anguish and shock to cry, yet leaving what used to be my home took all my strength and courage. But the promise of no more nights of wallowing self-loathing, no more pain of being condemned by your own family, I made the change. The decision. I won't see them tonight. Again.
Building up inside of me
A place so dark, so cold, I had to set me free
Don't mourn for me, you're not the one to place the blame
As bottles call my name I won't see you tonight
Away from my family now, I feel miserable. Hiding behind a facade of my brighter self so as to not worry the others around me who actually care, I can feel it growing. Building. A place so dark, so cold, I had to set me, myself, free somehow. At times, tears flow. That feeling of absolute, complete loneliness, despair and anguish crush me, crush the attempt to remain hiding behind the facade. How else can I set myself free? I had confided in my best friends, and truly appreciate their concern. I tried distracting myself from the darkness by gushing over him, but sometimes... sometimes...
Don't mourn for me, my friends... for you are not the one to place the blame, or that place the blame. As bottles (I wish I can drink myself to oblivion... but too bad I can't and don't drink) I won't see them tonight. Again.
Sorrow sank deep inside my blood
All the ones around me I cared for and most of all I loved
But I can't see myself that way
Please don't forget me or cry while I'm away
The sorrow has sank deep inside my blood, so deep I had not shed a tear the very dawn I left the place. The very dawn I left all the ones around me I cared for and most of all I loved, but I can't see myself that way. I can't see myself deserving their warmth, their affections, their attentions.
Deep inside me, I plead them not to forget me, or cry while I'm away. Please... no matter what, I am still their flesh and blood. Such ties cannot be so easily broken, can they?
Cry alone, I've gone away
No more nights, no more pain
I've gone alone, took all my strength
But I've made the change,I won't see you tonight
So far away, I'm gone.
Please don't follow me tonight
And while I'm gone everything will be alright
Yeah, please, don't follow me. Don't find me. Don't look for me. Trust me, and while I'm gone, everything will be alright. You will be much better off, much happier without me by your side.
No more breath inside
Essence left my heart tonight
No more breath inside
Essence left my heart tonight
The smiles and laughter are just a facade, to conceal the pain and darkness within. When I left them that day, a huge part of my soul left me. I'm nearly dead inside. Only specks of light from the others not from my family keep me going.
Angsty entry again, huh? Something that had been going in my mind for quite some time. Now that I had gotten it off my chest, I will try to write brighter entries in the future.
Courage is saying, "Maybe what I'm doing isn't working; maybe I should try something else."-- Anna Lappe, O Magazine, June 2003
Saturday, September 06, 2008
My J Heroes > Hey....
Don't worry... I'm still alive and kicking, fighting... whatever you call it.
Oh, call it a coincidence, but most of my favourite fiction characters start with the letter 'J'.
Let's see...
Repairman Jack, from Paul F. Wilson
Jean-Claude, from Laurell. K. Hamilton
Jack Reacher, from Lee Child
Joe Krutz, from Dan Simmons
John Rain, f rom Barry Eisler
Jason Bourne, from Robert Ludlums
Oh, and Gaignun Jr., from the Xenosaga games.
See?
Haha. I better take off. Gotta run. Catch ya, or catch me sometime...
But in the meantime, Happy Ramadan and Happy Hari Raya.
Take care.
He who makes a beast out of himself, gets rid of the pain of being a man
- Doctor Johnson
- Avenged Sevenfold, Bat Country
~ Me ~
A.K.A Estelle, Estelwen, EstelweNadia
~ Loves ~
Cats. Chocolates. Aveneged Sevenfold. Matt Damon. Dean Winchester
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