Chronicles of The Heart

Conflicting Emotions

2009-06-14T16:14:00.002+08:00

Hey...

I am not really feeling well now, think I'm going to be ill or something but it's alright. I'm going to be alright eventually. As I have always have. Even if I somehow didn't pull through this time, it's alright. I don't want to have burdened anyone. Be a nuisance. I have been a burden and a nuisance to everyone long enough.

Why am I feeling so down, you asked, alarmed.

Recently I found my sister through Facebook, and it caused a storm of emotions crashing into me. Relief, and suddenly I miss her like crazy. Glad that she sent me an advance birthday message, accepted my request to be friend, and said that she missed me so much and that she was sorry for what she had done.

Damn right. She better be.

But when I saw her photos (I know she likes to be photograph, she is really not camera-shy. I don't quite like be photographed, but I like to take photos of others), I felt a wave of regret. Guilt. That I am not by her side. That I SHOULD be by her side right then. But the spot next to hers remains stubbornly empty, the place where I should be, and heck I should be the one taking her photographs... but no, it doesn't turn out that way.

And through her photographs she is happy. I am happy about that, but I couldn't help but think if she's happier when I am not there than when I was there.

And it hurts. It is killing me inside.

Then, there is my Mum.

The one I had pinned all possible hopes, and she had them shattered into irrepairable pieces. I still haven't picked up all of it, still AFRAID to pick up all of it and patch it back together.

She wrote an entry about us, her children, in her blog, and boy, did it rip me into shreds when I read it.

I fought the increasing sadness, the renewed pain but only managed to keep it just underneath my facade.

If only she knew just how to cross the bridge between us, breach through the walls that I have put up around my heart....

And the way is simple.

Accepting me for who I am, for my imperfections.
Keep sending me sms-es, that show she cares. Whether I reply or not, because eventually I will reply.
Understands me, or at least tries to.

There was a time I still hoped for these, but now I past caring.

As in A7X's 'Descerate Through Reverance'

Darkened past you'll see,
There is no hope, no savior in me
Learned from years gone by, no one will care
What happens to me

And that sums it nicely.

The Struggle

2009-01-10T17:08:00.003+08:00

It is all crystal clear to me now.

Even when I have a family. of my own flesh and blood, I feel like I don't have any.

Like what the Demon said to Dean at the Season 1 finale, 'When you fight, you fight for the family, Dean, but they don't need you, not like you need them.'

Come to think of it, there is so much similarities between him and me. We need our family, but they don't need us.

They can live without me. I am nothing to them. Just a mistake. A burden to them.

And I was betrayed. Again. This time, my own mother did it. My feelings, my expectations, my hope. All crushed and shattered and can never be replaced. And it was replaced by something very bitter. When anger, confusion, disappointment and despair all rolled into one, what will you get?

Believe me, you don't want to know.

Now, I have made a decision. Not to depend on anyone anymore. Not even a group called family. They are not worth depending. I have been cast aside enough times. Had enough hurt and pain. Time to prove to them that I can lead my own life, can survive and will succeed, will prove them wrong.

And I will not, will never run back to them. Whatever I have to face, I will face it alone. On my own. With my own strength and ability.

It is sad and painful to think about your own family don't need you in their lives. But a fact remains a fact. I have to live with it I shall.

I can't imagine living in my grandma's house my entire adult life, with or without my aunt or cousin. Being treated like a tool who slaves for money, for them and not for me. How hard is that? And not given the freedom you deserve... I can't take the nonsense anymore.

And one thing for sure, I will never look for her again. So much for not bringing up the past, so much for not bringing up the expenses she had forked up for me... trust me, if it's money she wants so much, I will pay her every single cent she had used on me. One day, I'll pay it all. If it makes her happy. If she could just shut up. When I said I have enough, I am not kidding.

Call me whatever you want. Seems some people just want me to turn nasty. And I will. Since they are asking for it. I would be bad to deny them their wish, right?

Afterall, it is dangerous to provoke a cornered man, for you cannot guess what he will do to save himself.

And with that, I take my leave.

The Final Straw

2008-12-20T20:20:00.002+08:00

They say every single person has his limits.

And I have very nearly reached mine.

Because that She-Devil demanded for the house keys. Yeah, like it is her goddamned house. Like she OWNS it when she is just a fuckin' co-owner.

And it is outrageous. Because I am not a freeloader, I don't stay there for free. I pay, goddammit! Even renting out the landlord gives you the key because you pay them. This is utterly, disgustingly outrageous!

Fine. I am so leaving that hell. My final decision. I will find a place to rent, and I will be and stay free. No more having to compromise. I had enough!

You can't separate peace from freedom because no one can be at peace unless he has his freedom.
- Malcolm X (1925 - 1965), Malcolm X Speaks, 1965

AGONY

2008-12-03T13:33:00.003+08:00

Wow... this is going to be my 95th post since goodness knew when...

And right now, I think I just have to type this down, or it will become a fatal poison that eats me from inside and rots its way outside.

Right now, believe it or not, I am sitting in front of a computer in the library from 10am to right now, 1.35pm. Hooked to reading Supernatural's Dean fanfiction, if nothing else. Fancy how that sort of 'From Fan to Fan' thing gets you addicted.

But best of all, I'm away from home (yeah, like I can call that a home) and am so nice and relaxed here... being in that sorry excuse for a home brings so much stress, stress I don't know it's there and refuse to admit. Afterall, I'm rather immune to stress.

Until now.

They are driving me crazy, but apparently I still have a thread of sanity left that kept me from the IMH wards. Wonder why, because I am sooo freaking mad at them for making my life equally miserable. Money, money, money. It's all in their goddamned heads. Money to pay for this and that and to buy this and that... and how I, yes, goddammit, I, should be the one shouldering the utility bills, phone bills and grocery shopping with what little I earn. How I should save and all of that darned crap. Please. I am already 20, allow me some chances to make my own decisions and do things MY way! And if I am the one dishing out all the monetary matters, then what is nice wonderful aunt doing?

Shaking her legs at home and barking and shouting as and when she likes, that's what! Aunt Agony... I can't help but sneer at that phrase. How fitting. She is Aunt in Agony, Aunt who gives Agony. Geez.

Imagine this. Having someone (Heck, I don't even see her as a someone anymore... more in lines of a particular 'She-Devil') when she's not working, sleeps till the sun is high in the sky, never lift a finger to help out in the chores, never take an initiative to carry out the responsibility of a mother to her own daugher, complains and demands just like a (damn, I sooo use want to use that word!) grrr! Like we are her slaves. Heck, look around. Even maids are paid and appreciated. Us? She doesn't even care! Never even utter a single 'Sorry' or 'Thank you'. I doubt she even knows that such words exist.

Ungrateful, fussy and lazy bitch!

There! I am sooo fuckin' angry! Want me to respect her? To be NICE to her when there isn't a single nice bone in her body? You are asking me the impossible, grandma, because I would NOT do that. Sure, to make YOU happy, I'll continue putting up that pleasant, dumb, obediant facade. But I'm telling you, I nearly have ENOUGH. The moment I have a place to live, I am soo outta there, and I WON'T look back.

Trust me, dearest aunt, if in the future you come to me with your equally annoying daughter begging for my help, there will no thought involved. No sympathy, no chances. My answer will be a firm and merciless "NO." and just to see you flinch, I'll add, "And go to hell."

Don't get me wrong. Sure I'm grateful that you've agreed to let me stay, but that is all. If I have someplace to live I will not even go there. That's a total certainty.

There's no happiness, no peace, no light in where I am currently staying now. The air I breathe is stale, and I can't breathe much of it because I'm suffocated! Confined and seriously restrained of my desire to be free. Can't do this, can't do that, don't buy this, don't buy that! Give me a break! I have already sacrificed so much of myself... what more do they want?

They keep saying they are stressed... then how about ME? Are they implying that I'm not stressed at all? Then why do you think I am struggling to work 7 days a week while that woman works for only 12 hours for 3 or 4 days a week? For money? Yes, since they insist so much of it, and sadly to say most of my hard-earned money goes to them, my transport, topping up handphones, paying the course fees, setting a sum for her to keep to shut her up, and a sum for Prudential and NTUC to deduct.... Minus all that, I am left with just a few pathetic dollars for my expenses and to enjoy myself. I don't get to buy the stuff I have my eyes on. I barely get the chance to enjoy my hard-earned money.

And another reason is that I want to stay away from that place for as long as I possibly can. The shorter hours spent there, the happier I'll feel. How I survive 24 hours there is beyond me. Seriously.

Not forgetting her annoying daughter... call me cruel, but I don't even have a spark of love for that little spoiled brat. To me she's a whiny girl who don't even talk sense, who pines for so much attention and wants so many things. I can't stand her! She got sore eyes from me, and I don't even feel remotely sorry for her. A twinge of guilt, maybe, but it is smothered by a sense of hot satisfaction. Serve her right for not listening to instructions. All the more I hate her for exaggerating the seriousness of the eye condition. Thank goodness she understands little of her own mother tongue, and English, so she pretty much escapes my wrath.

Right now inside me is a slow, burning anger and hatred. Still, I put on that particular facade for them. But if things go out of hand, I'll do things my way. I'll get out of that place, one day, for sure.

And it is a promise!

All the more when I listen to A7X's Almost Easy, I can't deny how the lyrics rang true.

I feel insane
Every single time I'm asked to compromise
'Cause I'm afraid and stuck in my ways
And that's the way it stays
So how long did I expect love to outweigh ignorance?
By that look on your face
I may have forced the scale to tip

I'm not insane, I'm not insane
I'm not insane, I'm not... not insane

Damn right. I do feel insane every single time I'm asked to compromise. Like I have nothing better to do except to compromise, compromise and compromise every SINGLE time. Understand them and all that shit, then how about me? Do they understand me? Hah! I don't fucking think so!

Alright. Enough for now. I have enough. You'll probably have enough, too.

There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.
-Maya Angelou (1928 - )

F1 Madness

2008-09-30T16:04:00.002+08:00

Hello, people!

Hey... did you watch the a-fucking-mazing (hehe... pardon the word) race on Channel 5?

I did, and I didn't miss watching the practice sessions, the qualifying rounds and then the actual race and wow! I have truly forgotten how much I used to love watching F1 races!

It was breath-taking. It stole your breath away. It was heart-stopping. At times there were moments when your heart literally stopped beating. And most of all, it was damn, WOW. I loved it and am so proud of Singapore to be able to host such fantastic event with such magnificence and grandeur I am so proud of being a Singaporean. Well done, my country!

Ahh... and I came to realize my recent crush on Lewis Hamilton. What can I say? He is hot! Haha! I kept hoping he made it through... and at least be in the top 3. I had FAITH in him. And he didn't disappoint me. Haha! Congrats, Lewis. I KNEW you could do it!

Massa, he taught me an important lesson though... being in the first position doesn't always mean you have that position for as long as you wish... because in a blink of an eye, through a series of unexpected incidents you can be easily be the last, so no matter what, do not let your guard down, and don't be soooo confident or arrogant.

Poor Massa. I can only imagine the despair and frustration he felt. He must have thought of Singapore encouraging his mean streak of luck... or perhaps that wasn't his day or season...

The unfortunate incident involving the Ferarri cars... It's a pity and a shame, because Ferrari is my favourite. But then again, things happened.

And hey, as much as I wanted to listen to the engines of the racing cars, I was soooo glad I tuned in to TV (like I had other choice) because it felt EXCATLY like how I played a racing game in PS2. I nearly laughed out loud when watching incidents of cars taking the wrong turn, (It happened to me in the game, trust me), hit the walls (that happened too often to me, too) and haha, boy, was I excited!

I just hoped there will be another such amazing (now I do away with the word) F1 race in Singapore. I will be looking forward to it like I am looking forward to attending the A7X concert!!

Warmest Regards
Estelwen

CHECK OUT MY NEW BLOG!!!

2008-09-30T15:52:00.003+08:00

Hey!!!

I'm alive! Duh.... have always been alive...

But what the HECK! I'm right now quite busy (quite is an understatement, really) polishing up my NEW blog. Trust me, that new blog won't be sooooo emo like this one... and hopefully got nothing to do with my life...

And that blog is bestowed the name of ....

A7X - AVENGED AGAIN!

See? Wasn't kidding when I told you I am a fan of A7X.

Just a fan... not a hardcore or fanatical fan of A7X, not like some others out there... and probably won't be one of them.... but damn, I like them enough.

So... check my new blog out? And do tell me what you think, alright?

This is the link: http://a7x-avenged-again.blogspot.com

Screaming off
Estelwen

I Won't See You Tonight (Again)

2008-09-09T16:49:00.004+08:00

You know I like Avenged Sevenfold, since goodness know when.

But I'm not here to sing praises for them.

Not now, and not yet.

I have come across this one paticular of their songs and was deeply shocked of how it relates far closer to me than I can imagine.

It shocks, it hurts, and yet it is one of my favourite songs. Among the rest of their songs.

Let me tell you why:

Cry alone, I've gone away
No more nights, no more pain
I've gone alone, took all my strength
I've made the change, I won't see you tonight

That DAY, I have not forgotten that day, that incident, that betrayal. Not from someone I care for so very much, whom I love far more than I love my life. Because of her my entire family looked upon me with disgust and hatred. I felt worse than a dirt at their conscending gazes. Up till the point I couldn't bear it much longer. Couldn't bear being hated by my own family, my own SISTER, and couldn't bear being a burden, a nuisance to them much longer.

Sorrow, sank deep inside my blood
All the ones around meI cared for and loved

So the next very early morning, I fled. Alone. I was in too much of an anguish and shock to cry, yet leaving what used to be my home took all my strength and courage. But the promise of no more nights of wallowing self-loathing, no more pain of being condemned by your own family, I made the change. The decision. I won't see them tonight. Again.

Building up inside of me
A place so dark, so cold, I had to set me free
Don't mourn for me, you're not the one to place the blame
As bottles call my name I won't see you tonight

Away from my family now, I feel miserable. Hiding behind a facade of my brighter self so as to not worry the others around me who actually care, I can feel it growing. Building. A place so dark, so cold, I had to set me, myself, free somehow. At times, tears flow. That feeling of absolute, complete loneliness, despair and anguish crush me, crush the attempt to remain hiding behind the facade. How else can I set myself free? I had confided in my best friends, and truly appreciate their concern. I tried distracting myself from the darkness by gushing over him, but sometimes... sometimes...

Don't mourn for me, my friends... for you are not the one to place the blame, or that place the blame. As bottles (I wish I can drink myself to oblivion... but too bad I can't and don't drink) I won't see them tonight. Again.

Sorrow sank deep inside my blood
All the ones around me I cared for and most of all I loved
But I can't see myself that way
Please don't forget me or cry while I'm away

The sorrow has sank deep inside my blood, so deep I had not shed a tear the very dawn I left the place. The very dawn I left all the ones around me I cared for and most of all I loved, but I can't see myself that way. I can't see myself deserving their warmth, their affections, their attentions.

Deep inside me, I plead them not to forget me, or cry while I'm away. Please... no matter what, I am still their flesh and blood. Such ties cannot be so easily broken, can they?

Cry alone, I've gone away
No more nights, no more pain
I've gone alone, took all my strength
But I've made the change,I won't see you tonight

So far away, I'm gone.
Please don't follow me tonight
And while I'm gone everything will be alright

Yeah, please, don't follow me. Don't find me. Don't look for me. Trust me, and while I'm gone, everything will be alright. You will be much better off, much happier without me by your side.

No more breath inside
Essence left my heart tonight

No more breath inside
Essence left my heart tonight

The smiles and laughter are just a facade, to conceal the pain and darkness within. When I left them that day, a huge part of my soul left me. I'm nearly dead inside. Only specks of light from the others not from my family keep me going.

Angsty entry again, huh? Something that had been going in my mind for quite some time. Now that I had gotten it off my chest, I will try to write brighter entries in the future.

Courage is saying, "Maybe what I'm doing isn't working; maybe I should try something else."-- Anna Lappe, O Magazine, June 2003

My J Heroes

2008-09-06T18:50:00.002+08:00

Hey....

Don't worry... I'm still alive and kicking, fighting... whatever you call it.

Oh, call it a coincidence, but most of my favourite fiction characters start with the letter 'J'.

Let's see...

Repairman Jack, from Paul F. Wilson
Jean-Claude, from Laurell. K. Hamilton
Jack Reacher, from Lee Child
Joe Krutz, from Dan Simmons
John Rain, f rom Barry Eisler
Jason Bourne, from Robert Ludlums

Oh, and Gaignun Jr., from the Xenosaga games.

See?

Haha. I better take off. Gotta run. Catch ya, or catch me sometime...

But in the meantime, Happy Ramadan and Happy Hari Raya.

Take care.

He who makes a beast out of himself, gets rid of the pain of being a man
- Doctor Johnson
- Avenged Sevenfold, Bat Country

A Kiss of Life.

2008-08-20T13:32:00.001+08:00

Hi, people.

I am pressing for time, but I'll try to write in a few thoughts. Yeah, someone insisted me to do so... to at least give this blog some life since it has been dead for ages... and here, a kiss of life..

Life has been hard, but so far, amazingly I have been coping rather well. Trying not to feel the strain, trying not to think of anything in particular except to keep on going really does take a huge chunk of my strength but doesn't everyone pretty much the same?

Compromising... 'I feel insane every single time I'm asked to compromise'. Yeah, the first line from A7X Almost Easy. I really does feel righteously insane every single time I'm asked, I'm forced to compromise. Cutting away all my interests, needs and wants to fit and suit theirs... how much soul they want to rip out from what is left of me?

Still, I keep moving on, keep on believing that someday I will get that shining light I sought after, admist the darkness and anguish that I fought my way through.

You, too, should do the same.

I'm sorry if this entry is sooo dark... but hey, my blog is known for its dark content. So yeah, bear with it, and don't complain, for I am not sure when will I write in again.

For now, dear Chronicles of the Heart, of MY Heart, close your eyes and rest in peace.

Update, finally.

2008-03-10T11:32:00.002+08:00

Hey...

Nowadays sooo lazy to update blog.... sooo lazy and sooo busy...

Exams are JUST tomorrow and Wednesday, and here I am, typing away...

I need to somehow summon enough urgency within me to actually START revising.... or I'll be in SERIOUS trouble. Final exams, hello.

But....

I seem to look forward to work nowadays... ever since I've realized that I actually have crushes on my colleagues. Really. But at the same time I'm not. Because I'll be teased to death.... and I can't take that! No way. Cloud 9 I'll be, I just wish a big hole will open up beneath me and swallow me whole...

A mere smile on his face, or just a mere glance of him to me will melt my lady heart, and then I can't seem to stop grinning...away like an idiot...

And he isn't the only one I have a crush on... remember the one who I was rumored to have something with? Well... it seems I do have a crush on him too...

My god... this is bad... Two crushes at once! In the same place! Never it has happened to me... I am indeed a BIG trouble... of epic porportions... let just hope my little crushes wou't be discovered or else I am in BIGGER trouble...

I heard that the guy, ehem, Zah, you know who... is going to Causeway Pt McD for an attachment or something... oh man... I'll be soooo heartbroken....

Sigh...

So many things... and I am just a girl.... I hope that I can brace it all...

Oh yeah...

Bought a few things... new wallet... (finally!), new bag (finally, too!) and a perfume... now I am aiming to buy a new pair of black shoes so that I can toss the current shoes away...

And most importantly... I have settled all of my monetary debts. Save for two persons. Zah, I owe you so much. Let me pay you back slowly but surely. Don't worry. I've told you right, I won't stop until I am happy. Haha.

Okay... guess I have to stop now. See you around.

Warmest Regards

Me

Sometimes you don't find love, love finds you.

Quick Update. (Again)

2008-02-26T13:47:00.002+08:00

Hey....

I'm back. Finally.... been bogged down by a lot of things.

First things first... I have left what I thought was haven and now residing in hopefully a true, or close to, haven.

Really... try and imagine someone whom you had placed so much faith in, whom you have thrown so much away for, had let you down. A lot. I was horribly mistaken.

That taught me to NEVER expect someone to be who you want him/her to be. Because he/she can jolly well turn out completely what you DON'T want him/her to be...

Do not expect details, for I will not be revealing it. Unless I wish to. I rather forget them, because the facts are painful... and best left forgotten.

I am not kidding when I said I am shagging my ass off working. I am not complaining, but I can't help thinking that I should be like other teenagers out there.... having fun, hanging out, shopping... I have barely enough money for myself... let alone for others... and yet...

It's all right. I will do what I have done for years... taking a thing, a day, a step at a time. Why think far when it will only give you stress now?

Haha, anyway... projects done. Finally. Phew. Now got to find the DISCIPLINE to revise my modules for my exams which are coming NEXT WEEK. Geez. If only... huh?

And tomorrow is Grad Nite! Yes! I can wear my newly-bought stuff and then well... yeah.... (smirks)

And I got a big trouble ahead.... I can't believe I have fallen for a colleague! A really cool, handsome and (blushes) ehem, colleague. Damn. Right now I am grinning away like an idiot just thinking about him. Oh man, boy am I thoroughly smitten. His smiles, grins, anything... melts my heart and I can't just stop grinning away around him. I am not nuts, just.... smitten. Haha.

Then there is a silly rumor about a guy and me... I mean.... what the hell? I think the person got me with the wrong person.... Haha! So amusing... and last night, I did runners with them both! You can imagine how I feel. Haha! Oh my god.

Okay... leaving now. Will gush about him later. See you around...

Warmest regards

‘Well, no need to brood on what tomorrow may bring. For one thing, tomorrow will be certain to bring worse than today, for many days to come. And there is nothing more that I can do to help it. The board is set, and the pieces are moving."

Gandalf, The Palantír, TTT

A Day At Work

2008-01-30T09:38:00.000+08:00

Hey...

Last night went on quite well... I guess... Luckily I had the kind managers to help me but damn, I screwed up big time. Also luckily it's nothing serious. Phew.

Oh, I neglected to mention that I was nicknamed as 'Kak Cik" by one of the infruriating colleagues. Seriously, Kak Cik? As in Kakak Kecik? (arch an eyebrow) Doesn't make any sense. I couldn't help but grin away like an idiot whenever they tease me. I don't know! I just couldn't stop smiling! Oh boy... maybe I should cement my lips or something... because I know for these kinds of situation you shouldn't SMILE, because that will only goad them into teasing you more. I have tried to maintain a straight, or an impassive face but damn, I nearly failed every time. Not fair! I just got teased worse....

Still some of the guys are not that bad-looking, I can say that much. And that is one of the reasons why I am so nervous and embarrassed at every turn! Oh, and one of the male managers is also not bad... in fact, I found him... rather good-looking, and damn, he is younger than me... and yes, Zah, you have guessed it, he's Chinese.

Don't worry... this is minor crushes... nothing serious.... not like my hots for Jean-Claude. Or Dean. Or Legolas. Or... hehe.... oops.... (blushing)

Oh... I forgot... they also termed me as one of the guys' 'second wife'. I blushed but really wanted to roll my eyes. I know there's this girl with my name among us, and that she is like his sister or best friend or something, but why me as his 'second wife'? Doesn't make any sense, right?

I think I am beginning to like my working environment. I have made a few friends there... and have yet to remember their names (made a face) The rule 'Speak when spoken to' still applies. I am still stubbornly quiet unless they... you know... disturb me... Geez...

And to be called 'Kakak'... makes me feel so old... I am NOT that old! I would very much prefer if they just call me by my name... what is so hard about it?

But then again, I let it go. I can deal with that.

Ah, yes... I need to prepare myself to work long hours during Chinese New Year, and the coming weekends, though I know I had agreed that I am pretty much available to work during holidays and weekend (though I am happy to spend most of the time sleeping away. I do really need to regain my strength back). Thinking again, I can earn more money. (brightens up) Pay is doubled during Chinese New Year, and will get an hang bao, I hope so, and it will be slightly more on weekends. It might be tiring, no doubt about it but I am really need the cash.

Sigh... sucks to be on the hard part of life, but then again, who loves it?

Um... Damn... a minor distraction, and I forgot what I want to write...

Never mind I guess. I think it is a sign for me to sign off. Until then!

Warmest Regards,

“There is no greater sorrow, than to recall happiness in times of misery.”
(Hellraiser: Hellseeker )

Holding on, but Slipping Away

2008-01-29T15:06:00.000+08:00

Hey...

Another weary afternoon in school... with semi-hot rain outside...

And here I am... so sleepy and drained beyound words...

Perhaps I am not just physically drained...

My head is heavy, sleep or fatigue, I am not sure...

Sigh....

Today I am working again.... And as a runner.. You know... someone who set food on the tray? Yep, that's me, and that's what they want me to do later... I mean, crap.... I cannot do stuff like this... no when I know I will tend to be clumsy and make mistakes... and get myself confused witrh the orders.... THAT is not the work for me... but there's no harm in giving it a shot... maybe...

Then there's problem at home, too. It seems that whatever I do is wrong. Is not up to what she expected. So damn frustrating! If she doesn't know what to say, then goddammit, don't say it! Don't say anything! Why must every SINGLE thing I do... why must she be NOT happy about it? Why must she blame me for EVERY thing that went wrong? Why ME?

It hurts, you know. It hurts a damn lot. When I received the msg, I could barely restrain myself from lashing out at her in my reply. Really. The urge was so strong.... but I forcefully pushed it back down. No point in arguing with her. No point at all. But she is too much. Too much. So I just ignored. I just ignored the hurting message, but the stab of hurt, or anger is very much harder to ignore. She had cut me deep. Really she had.

I thought she could at least understand me better than him. I was wrong. She understands me no more than him. Than anyone else in my family. Home is no haven. Is no heaven. Home is not even a home. I don't feel loved at all... just a burden...

I am so sick and tired of all these crap. I just want OUT of it. Too bad I am stuck with this crap
until I can support myself. Then I can live my own life, my own way. Then I don't have to bother with all this crap.

Because truthfully, I just have about enough.

Of everything.

I surely hope my patience can last, because I have a feeling I will snap. Soon.

Warmest regards

Me

If your daily life seems poor, do not blame it; blame yourself, tell yourself that you are not poet enough to call forth its riches.

Rainer Maria Rilke (1875 - 1926)

In The JUMBLED Nutshell...

2008-01-23T10:25:00.000+08:00

Hey....

I am sooo tired... and I ought to be studying for my HRA (Human Resource Admin) but somehow the computer kept me trapped. I supposed I was actually ADDICTED to fanfiction... and now, more into LOTR. Haha... I am still obessed over Legolas...

Any forms of addiction is bad. I came to realize that now. It just that I love to read... and some of the stories are so damned good... can't seem to tear myself away from the monitor...

And my friends are already complaining that they always see me in the SC room, in front of a computer, everyday... without fail...

I turned defensive and indignant, then. I wasn't disturbing anyone, right? I was just getting intimate with the computer.... (shakes head) Geez...

Oh yeah... had the dreaded NAPFA yesterday... I failed all the stations and probably the 2.4KM, too... What the hell... it doesn't matter... At least I participated, right? And I am not athlete, so yeah... failing the NAPFA test is not a surprise... Geez... thought I have gotten rid of NAPFA after I ended my secondary life... guess I was wrong.

Still... it was good to run and listen to the songs I always listen to... And yes... my fingers can't stop tapping to the beat.

Music can't make me invincible... but it can surely make you tougher than you usually are.

I hate it. My shoes are hurting my feet. Walking is so much harder than usual. Every step is terrible pain. Even plasters over the chapped skin did not help to soften the pain. So I'm practically walking on my toes. Damn... that is why I hate wearing NEW shoes, because getting used to it is such a TROUBLE. And yes, such a PAIN...

Sigh... at times... I just wish I have a lot of money... then I wouldn't have to struggle... to struggle so hard... to curb my desires that tightly... Damn... it is just a pain to just look at the things you want to buy... then walk away... with your heart trying but failing to soothe you that 'Never mind... you can buy it when you have the money.' But the problem is... when is THAT going to be? When will the struggle end?

Oh... pardon me... for a moment I was caught up in the bitterness. It just popped out of nowhere. And now... I checked my sister's library account and a wave of love washed over me... God... I miss her so damn much... I wonder how is she doing now... if she still bears the memories of me...

Don't get me wrong... I am NOT intruding in her privacy... I am just taking a look... to make sure everything's fine... so glad to know that somehow she had paid off her fines and now had happily borrowed 5 books... See? She can live without me...

And then there's my mum, too... Somehow I felt that... (shakes head) Never mind... I guess I couldn't blame her... she must be under a lot of stress... to take it out on ME... sure... she might not want to hurt HIS feelings... but what about mine? Am I so inferior as compared to him? Is everything a lie?

It's okay. Serious... Or at least... as okay as I want it to be. For now I can only close my eyes and let it pass, though it left behind a trail of undeniable hurt and for me to pick up the pieces...

I just wanted to help her... the laundry load was heavy already... I washed them THAT night so she doesn't have to wash them TONIGHT. But she was angry with me, saying it'll be a waste of water and all that crap... Fortunately I was too tired to let the pain hurt me that badly... but pain is still pain... and it hurts...

What else?

Oh yes... Anita Blake is going to be in the movie soon! Bloodline, coming on October 2008!!! Whoa! I do really hope it comes out in Singapore, too, because I will be the first to watch!!

(grins) Actually... I just want to see Jean-Claude.

Haha... just a bit ago I celebrated my Committee member's birthday. Had a lot of fun. We came up with something like Punk'd or Wakenabeb. Hah! Wish I could see the expression on the birthday boy's (or man, he insisted now that he is 18) face but I was too busy keeping a serious face... and failing because grins kept wanting to betray my face... but it was all sooo fun! I just took the event as an excuse to let loose with my handphone camera! And updated my Friendster right away. As the result I multitasked... between chatting, uploading photos...

Haha! Okay, thought I had said enough. See you around, mes amis (my friends, in French)

Warmest Regards,
Me

"Well, no need to brood on what tomorrow may bring. For one thing, tomorrow will be certain to bring worse than today, for many days to come. And there is nothing more that I can do to help it. The board is set, and the pieces are moving."

Gandalf
The Palantír, TTT

Grumblings and More Grumblings.

2008-01-18T11:44:00.000+08:00

Hey...

So we meet again, for the last time this week. Heh, I hope this entry will not be as dark as the others.

Yay! Today I'm off. Phew... I don't realize that I really need a break from the work. And thankfully, I only did lobby last night... I was so relieved... You have no idea how happy I was.... When I was doing lobby, I glanced around and was proud that the area was as clean as I can get it to be... I am, afterall, a bit particular about cleanliness... so it is in me to make sure it is as clean as possible...

But... I was soooo tired. Actually... tired of the damn Dumpster... Can you believe it? I had to go to the big smelly dump beside the carpark for FOUR times last night. In the rain. Not that I mind... but... geez... (shakes head)

Got my pay today... and it is lesser than I had expected. Not even a hundred. Just ten bucks short, and there is so much things I have to settle...

Never mind... slowly. One at a time. I don't have to settle everything at once, now can I? (closes eyes for a while) It's my first pay and I can't get to splurge myself a bit... (shakes head again)

Oh yeah... can't believe what is wrong with the system of my CCA this day. A member of my committee was thoroughly disappointed, and so am I. What the hell had happened to the phrase 'forgive and forget'? Just because of a mistake he had done he was striked off as a nominee and was not slotted to be an ExCo. I mean, come on! He had sacrificed so much time and effort in the CCA and is this how he is being recognized?

He has a lot of potential. As a leader. And so much more. Why am I the only one who can see it? Who acknowledge his potential? Why can't they.... (fuming) Never mind. Just freaking forget it. It's too late to do anything now. The damage is done.

Sigh... I can only tell him not to feel THAT disappointed... to get over it, because there is nothing else we can do. I even told him that that was just a minor setback, and this CCA is only a tiny, tiny thing, that there are many other opportunities out there, that someday he will become a great leader of a great organization. Someday. So I told him to smile. He did, but it was full of pain. I could see it as clear as day.

If only the system isn't too rigid, if only people aren't too stiff, if only they open their hearts, minds and eyes a little wider, then such disappointment will not occur. Such pain will not be sown. Now I am worried if he still has the spirit to continue in the CCA. I hope he still does, because then my committee will be in safe hands... I will entrust my committee to him... for him to look after and manage. If he decides to withdraw... the CCA has no idea what they will be losing. And they will regret. Deeply.

Sigh... aww... dammit... Can you believe it? On the day I got some cash my court shoes decided to FAIL me! So now I got to hunt for a new pair of shoes. Why can't they hang on for another two months? Fancy dying out on me on this day! Grrr... But it's okay. On the other side... lucky I got the means to buy another.. if not... how am I going to go to school? And looks like I have to familiarize my feet with the new shoes all over again. So expect blisters and grimaces and limpings thanks to the new shoes!

Am in the rush now. Going to hunt for the shoes, then meet my best friend in Woodlands. Gonna give her back her stuff. I vow one day I am going to pamper her real good... as my heartfelt thanks for being my friend. The closest person I have to a family...

I will take my leave... until then, take care.

Warmest regards

Me

"You take insult where none is intended, but if you will find insult where none is meant, then perhaps I should try harder to insult on purpose."

- Jean-Claude, The Harlequin (hardcover), pg 189

PS : Aww... isn't he cool? I really love that phrase! I really do!

Of Fantasy and Reality, and The Men of Both Realms.

2008-01-14T15:15:00.000+08:00

Hey!!!

Last entry for today. Promise. Been wanting to put this entry since goodness know when, so today will be it.

And don't get me wrong. I am not a... manizer.. (opposite of womanizer). Men DON'T revolve around me. Or me around them. Not least, not in this reality.

That is why I love the fantasy. It is MY world. MINE to command. I can twist stuff to my liking. Haha. A big meanie, am I?

I know I gush about lots of guys in my entries... so it's time to ... put them in a list, and take note... in NO particular order. Don't wanna make them all jealous, now can I? (winks)

Jean-Claude
Asher
Angel
Dean Winchester
Legolas
Lu Xun
Zhou Yu
Ling Tong
Sun Ce
Jr. / Rubedo
Lavi (D-Grayman)
Allen Walker

Erm... not that many... Wait... there are propably some I have forgotten. (Oops... sorry... didn't mean to...) Hehe... But right now, the ones in my list are my personal favorite!!

If you ask me to choose... I don't know which one to choose from. Really. I will just end up take them all!! Because there is NO way I will NOT take any of them. (grins) I am greedy, I know. Haha!

(becomes solemn) At least I know that these guys will not hurt me in any way. They will be there for me whenever I need them, without complaint, without hesitation. They will let me drool all over them and they will not be mad at me. Great huh?

Not exactly. Because true, they might have heard my silent pleas for help, my pain, but there isn't a thing they can do to ease them away. Except that whenever I think of them I will start grinning away like an idiot... if the pain isn't that sharp. But other than that, they could not offer me any words of solace, not like what my best friends can do. Right here, in reality.

But these guys are one of many of my different motivations to hang on, hold on, move on. I compared my life with theirs, (as in Dean's... no idea we have sooo much in common) If he can still lives on after what Sam had done to him, why can't I live on after what my sister had done to me?

True, you may think that I have taken things too far... melding fantasy with reality, but if that is one way for me to cope with the harshness of life without backing down, then so be it. Fantasy is but a temporary respite, a short relief from the pain of reality. Don't worry. I won't run away from reality, from life. I know it is fruitless, futile, useless. There's no way I can hide, either. Not forever. But I can, only for a moment. And I will withdraw in MY world, heal, prepare myself then come back out to reality.

I am not running away. I am just dealing with reality the way I can. My way.

Warmest Regards

When I am attacked by gloomy thoughts, nothing helps me so much as running to my books. They quickly absorb me and banish the clouds from my mind.

Michel de Montaigne (1533 - 1592)

Of Light and Dark. Again

2008-01-14T13:54:00.000+08:00

Hey.

Actually I want to say, "Dear Jean-Claude" but I guess that's pushing it. It's not like he will read this anyway, right? (grins)

Anyway, I just had the sudden urge to post another entry, which is going to be in all shades of light. Including a shadow of darkness. Don't worry. It will be a fleeting one.

Want me to enshroud you in brief darkness first? Or blind you with the light?

....

Oh well... If it is up to me to decide... (which really IS up to me to decide) I rather take on the bad news first, then the good ones. So that is exactly what I am going to do.

Sigh.... Sometimes I got my fatigue to thank for, because I was too tired to argue, too tired to feel hurt. I just swallowed her accusations like I swallow bile, and chuck the pain elsewhere. Stow it away. Far away. Deep in some place I don't even know exist. Though I know when it did find a way to get back at me, it will get back at me real hard, real fast. Pulling the world under me, drown me in helpless agony and bitterness, suffocate me with unending torment. That will be when there will be no turning back. Once I shatter, I might not know how to pick up the pieces. How to put myself back together again, even.

But for now, I'll hang on. Hang on real tight to the thin thread of sanity left dangling, to the silver sparkle of hope shot down from the heavens, amidst the threatening thunderclouds. I don't know how long they will be there for me to hang on, but until then, I will hold on, until there is nothing to hold on to...

Accusations... (close my eyes briefly) Nothing to change, will it? It is just like last time... Like always. And I will do what I ALWAYS do... say nothing in defense and hope it will be over soon, and hope that it will not hurt too much...

Ehem...

Now for the bright part.

Recently (not exactly) I had sent an email to the MediaCorp. Just an honest, innocent one. Click on the link below to see it. December 2007 Winning Email. Whoa!

http://mediacorptv.sg/franklyspeaking/

And I am head over heels over Jean-Claude. (though that is not exactly new.)

Ehem...

You know I am recently shagging at McDonalds, right? The guys are sure a noisy lot, but I speak only when spoken to. Made that a point ever since I joined in the 'club'. Don't think I can ever fit in, though. I just murmured an appropriate response and then fell silent and concentrate on my work. Nothing much more to say. Guys are guys, I guess...

But (grins) Some of them are not bad too... Not bad... (winks) You know what I mean. BUT... none of them can ever come as close as MY Jean-Claude.

Haha. Guess I will lay off for now. Until then.

Warmest regards, always

Me

I write entirely to find out what I'm thinking, what I'm looking at, what I see and what it means. What I want and what I fear.

Joan Didion (1934 - )

Favorite Funny Scene in Burnt Offerings.

2008-01-10T14:28:00.000+08:00

Hi!!

This is one humorous excerpt in Anita Blake the Vampire Hunter novel: Burnt Offerings by Laurell. K. Hamilton, pg 51-52. The 'I' being Anita. And he, being Jean-Claude. Read on, and you will know what I mean.

"If you mean what do I want for dinner, that is a different question," he said.

"You are a pain in the ass," I said.

"And so many other places," he said.

I didn't think I could blush more. I was wrong. "Stop it."

"I love the fact that I can make you blush. It is charming."

The tone in his voice made me smile in spite of myself. "This is not a dress to be charming in. I was trying for sexy and sophiscated."

"Can you not be charming as well as sexy as sophiscated? Is there some rule about being all three?"

"Slick, very slick," I said.

He widened his eyes, trying for innocent and failing. He was many things, but innocent wasn't one of them.

"Now, let's start negotiating for dinner," I said.

"You make it sound like a chore."

I sighed. "Before you came along, I thought food was something you ate so you wouldn't die. I will never be as enamoured of food as you are. It is almost a fetish with you."

"Hardly a fetish, ma petite."

"A hobby, then."

He nodded. "Perhaps.

"So just tell me what you like on the menu, and we'll negotiate."

"All that is required that you taste what is ordered. You do not have to eat it."

"No, no more of this tasting shit. I've gained weight. I never gain weight."

"You have gained four pounds, so I am told. Though I have searched diligently for this phantom four punds and cannot find them. It brings your weight up to a grand total of one hundred and ten pounds, correct?"

"That's right."

"Oh, my petite, you are a growing gargantuan."

I looked at him, and it was not a frienfly look. "Never tease a woman about her weight, Jean-Claude. At least not an American twentieth-century one."

He spread his arms wide. "My deepest apologies."

"When you apologize, try not to smile at the same time. It ruins the effect," I said.

His smile widened until a hint of fang peeked out. "I will try to remember that for the future."

Then, after Anita ordered her food...

Jean Claude gave a small smile. "I will not be ordering food tonight."

"Would you like wine with dinner, then?"

He never missed a beat. "I do not drink - wine."

I coughed Coke all over the tablecloth. The waiter did everything but give me the Heimlich. Jean Claude laughed until tears trailed from the corners of his eyes.

He is sooo cute, isn't he? And funny. I love him!!!

Ehem, that's it for now. Gotta go! Will be back with more funny scenes from the novels!

Warmest regards

Me

Friendship improves happiness, and abates misery, by doubling our joys, and dividing our grief.

Joseph Addison (1672 - 1719)

I Will Love Him Till I Close My Eyes

2008-01-10T07:28:00.000+08:00

Dear everyone,

In this early morning I must be crazy enough to dedicate this song to him. Only him. Him and him alone. If only he knew how much I love him....

(sighs) Never mind. I am willing to wait. I have waited for seven long years... what's a few more, right?

You can call me names, but there's nothing wrong in hoping, right?

I will keep on hoping, that he will be mine to hold, someday.

Sampai Menutup Mata

Acha Septriasa

Embun di pagi buta
Menebarkan bau asa
Detik demi detik ku hitung
Inikah saat ku pergi

Oh Tuhan ku cinta dia
Berikanlah aku hidup
Takkan ku sakiti dia
Hukum aku bila terjadi

Aku tak mudah untuk mencintai
Aku tak mudah mengaku ku cinta
Aku tak mudah mengatakan
Aku jatuh cinta

Senandungku hanya untuk cinta
Tirakatku hanya untuk engkau
Tiada dusta sumpah ku cinta
Sampai ku menutup mata
Cintaku sampai ku menutup mata

Oh Tuhan ku cinta dia
Berikanlah aku hidup
Takkan ku sakiti dia
Hukum aku bila terjadi

Sampai Mentup Mata
(Till I Close my Eyes)

Acha Septriasa

Dew in the wee morning hours
Spreads the scent of hope
The seconds I countIs it time I go?

Oh God I love him
Please give me life
I will never hurt him
Punish me when that occurs

(Chorus)
I don't easily love somebody
I dont easily confess I'm loving
I don't easily say
I fall in love

My song is just for love
My isolation is just for you
No lies, I swear I'm loving
Till I close my eyes
My love is till I close my eyes

Oh God I love him
Please give me life
I won't hurt him
Punish me when that occurs

(Repeat chorus)

There. I have included the translation of the song, too. Scrutinise the song carefully, and ponder of its deep meaning, because that is how I feel towards him.

Truly.

Warmest regards,

Me

If you think you can win, you can win. Faith is necessary to victory.

William Hazlitt (1778 - 1830)

Jean-Claude Master Vampire of the City of St. Louis

2008-01-09T10:52:00.000+08:00

Hey, haha!

Guess that last entry was too dark, huh? But trust me, nothing's darker than this, but oooh yes... in a absolutely good way.

I have fallen in love with yet a character of a book, Anita Blake the Vampire Hunter novels by Laurell. K. Hamilton. And that character is Jean-Claude, the Master Vampire of the City of St. Louis.

He is a vampire, around 400 plus years old, and he is very ehem, gorgeous. Black curly hair, midnight blue eyes that bled to solid blue light when he is filled with power, he has a cross-shaped burn scar on his chest and he is a vision of absolute loveliness, and absolute perfection. He is described as beautiful, but there is something on his face that separates him from being feminine. And oh boy... I love his eyes....

Have I mention his voice? His voice is soooo cool... you can feel his voice, like fur sliding across your skin, or a silk linen brushing at the nape of your neck. His voice can send you shivers, in a good or a bad way, depends on how he wants you to feel.

Oh yes... he is incredibly sexy, too... (blushes)

Here are some of his details:

Stuart Townsend as Jean-Claude

Jean-Claude

His voice was silken whispersin the small hours of night.Damn, he was good.
(Guilty Pleasures, page 14, paragraph 3)

Race: Vampire

Status: Undead

Title: Master Vampire of the City of St. Louis

Description:
Dark blue eyes with long, perfectly black hair. He stands just shy of six feet tall at 5' 11" and is the epitome of the sexy vampire.

Commentary

* Jean-Claude's self-proclaimed age is about 205 years old in GP.

* His nickname for Anita is ma petite (my little, in French), much to her chagrin.

* He is a master vampire, and as such, has the ability to call an animal. His animal to call is the wolf, and as a result, he also can control werewolves to a certain degree.

* Jean-Claude also has the additional ability to feed off of sexual energy. He is from Belle Morte's line (Beautiful Death) of the Vampire Council. She created a 'race' of vampires that were stunningly beautiful and often used sex as a means of gaining power.

* Jean-Claude is also able to touch a person with his laughter.

* He has a dark colored cross-shaped scar on his chest.

* Because he hid his powers when Nikolaos was the Master of the City, many vampires think that Jean-Claude is not powerful enough to hold the city. It also doesn't help that at first, Anita refuses to be acknowledged as his human servant.

* Jean-Claude was the one to introduce Richard to Anita, and is jealous when she starts to like him. But he wonders, "Do you lust after Richard because he's handsomer, or because he's human?"

* He is very calculating in his dealings with Anita, and it's never really certain whether he has Anita's best interest at heart, his own interest, or a combination of the two.

* Jean-Claude understands Anita much better than Richard ever does. He knows that for her, once she has had sex, it would a commitment for her.

* His taste in gifts is much better that Richard's. He gave her a glass sculpture of penguins on an ice floe for Christmas in LuC. He is always sending her a dozen white roses. After they had consummated their relationship, the white roses included a single blood red one.

* He is part of a triumverate, including both Anita and Richard. At Christmas time, they discovered their link to each other. Jean-Claude's power and Richard's power rushed through Anita, who acted as a focus. Jean-Claude's power is like a cool rushing wind.

* Jean-Claude has made several vampires, including Robert and Gretchen. One of his powers is the ability to drain the power of his own vampire so that they are a dried husk.

* In the past, Jean-Claude used to be in Seraphina's care, along with Kissa. Approximately two hundred years ago when he was still considered a catamite for the other master vampires to use.

* Anita hears Jean-Claude giggle for the first time after he drinks the blood of both her and Jason. Necromancer, with a chaser of werewolf. This was done in order to save his life after he was nearly killed by Janos.

* Before he was brought over, Jean-Claude was a whipping boy for an aristocrat's son. There are white scars on his back which attest to that fact and Anita sees them when he is bathing. He was born a French peasant. He was chosen because he was fair of face.

* Bella Morte brought him over, he was brought over for lust and used by other vampires. A catamite.

* His hair is longer in BB than it was when Anita first met him and she comments on this. He evades the question by simply saying she prefers longer hair on her men.

* Jean-Claude admits that he loves Anita in BB, but she cannot respond.

* Up until KD, Jean-Claude had backed Marcus for Ulfric of the Thronnos Rokke clan. But he then withdrew his support and threw in for Richard instead.

* The Vampire Council has chosen Jean-Claude to represent them in public and ordered him to stop hiding behind an imaginary higher master.

* During the time that Jean-Claude was "competing" for Anita's affections against Richard, he was celibate.

* His living room in the Circus of the Damned is all black and white with silver. Hanging above the fireplace is a painting from the 1600s. It portrayed himself, Julianna and Asher. They had traveled together for twenty years. Because of this painting, Anita had to rethink his age. Now she believes him to be at least 400 years old.

* He also owns Danse Macabre, a new dance club, with Raina Wallis as a silent partner.
* Jean-Claude made Robert and had him for a companion for over a century. Jean-Claude truly grieved when he was killed by Dominic, Sabin and Cassandra.

* Jean-Claude and Richard mingled their power in Anita for the first time, and she used it to raise zombies from the dead, and three vampires: Willie, Liv, and Damian. Jean-Claude cautioned not to speak of it because the Vampire Council would kill Anita. She was able to control Willie more than Jean-Claude and told him never to threaten her again.

* Jean-Claude knew not to give Anita the first mark again when she was hurt, even though Richard encouraged him to do so. However, Richard accepted the first mark for himself so that their initial triumverate could be in contact when Richard and Anita went to the Lupanar.

* After the Lupanar, Jean-Claude was the one to comfort Anita and was the first to sleep with her. *.*

* Dominic chained Jean-Claude using a cross to keep him subdued with Richard. Still, he managed to give Anita two marks so that she could escape Raina and Gabriel. When she managed to free them, he protected her because Richard would kill them both with his death if he did not. Anita refused this option and demanded that he save them both. Jean-Claude had to give her the third mark in order for him to save Richard, who had had a sword thrust through his chest.

* Jean-Claude gave Anita a black satin nightie. The night she wore it, he was able to invade her dreams until the phone rang, waking her up.

* When Anita goes to Myerton, TN to "rescue" Richard, Jean-Claude makes her take werewolves, wereleopards and other vampires because he wants her safe and he cannot go there himself, thanks to Colin. He also informed all of them that if Anita is killed, he will have all of them killed.

* Because of the marks, Jean-Claude is able to give Anita memories of Asher and she ends up feeling more comfortable around him because of it.

* Jean-Claude has always loved Asher as well as Julianna, and had nicknamed him, "mon chardonneret," which means, my goldfinch.

* After Anita and Richard consummate their passions, Anita notices that the marks between them are stronger and Richard admits that Jean-Claude thought that this might happen between them, which of course, annoys Anita.

* When she is attacked by the snake lycanthropes, Gregory comes to her aid, but "inadvertently" uses his claws on her, There is the possibility she will be a true Nimir-Ra by the next full moon. But she appears dead and Jean-Claude is arrested for her murder and Richard takes Gregory because he killed their lupa.

* Jean-Claude admits that the reason he fell in love with Anita, from the first moment he saw her (or heard her interacting with the police, as the case may be) was not so much her voice as her words - he knew she would never die waiting for him to save her because she would save herself.

* Jean-Claude gives Anita a list of acceptable partners should she need one to appease the arduer. They include: Nathaniel, Jason, Asher, Richard and Micah, although he is not pleased with the last one. Damian is a possibility, but Jean-Claude doesn't elaborate.

* Although he has intimated otherwise earlier in the books, Jean-Claude was actually created by Lissette. His master, though, was Julian and he was with him for five years, unable to control the arduer and at Julian's whim. When Lissette finally brought him to Belle Morte, she taught him control.

I know you are puzzled by most of these facts but... haha! I just love him so much. Followed by Asher.

I will gush more about him later. See you around!

Warmest Regards

Me

If you don't get lost, there is a chance you may never be found.

Unknown

Painful Realizations

2008-01-09T09:16:00.000+08:00

Hey, told you I'll be back, and here I am.

I am going to be a little pessismistic. All of us are entitled to be down once in a while, and that moment has come crashing upon me.

I noticed it last night. No, scratch that. I have noticed it long ago, but I just pretended that I know nothing about it. But whatever I have been pretending not to notice is damn persistent to surge up from within the darkness to torment me.

And what is such fact?

The fact that I am actually a burden to my family. That they are better off without me. It is a sad, hurtful thing to realize, but I was trapped. I wanted out, but I can't. The laws say no, and I have not enough to support myself anyway, but god, I want out. I want to live on my own, own my own house, my own things and live by MY rule. Then I would be a burden to no one.

There's another fact, too.

The fact that she loves him more than I do. I saw that clearly last night. He was having some sort of fever, and she tended to him. Before that she scolded me severely just because I did things my way, not her way. And guess what, she grumbled that she was better off living on her own. I was too tired to feel angered... too tired to feel hurt. But I did feel a stab of hurt, and it showed on my face. Just a flicker, then I schooled it back to my blank countenance. And throughout the whole night I did not say a word to her, because she did not talk to me. It hurts. It hurts a lot.

Sometimes it got me thinking... am I that too much of a burden, when I know I have tried my very best to be very accomodating, very understanding? Why can't they see it? Why can't anyone see it? I guess no one ever did, no one will never really understand me. Some are really trying, and they are some of my best friends, and I truly appreciate that.

But the fact that my friends understands me more than my parents, than my family will ever do hurts me.

I am just a girl, a girl whose heart can only hold so much pain... I am not sure how much longer I can hold out.

Sometimes I just wish I can roll over and die. Really, sometimes I wish that.

Even now.

Warmest regards

Me

Pain is inevitable; suffering is optional.

Unknown

School is FINALLY Open!

2008-01-08T14:26:00.000+08:00

Hello...

Haha, I know I should have done this as soon as school reopens, but I've been busy. And tired. But I try to do this quickly.

I was involved in a MIC Studio Orientation Skit. Guess what? As a dying mother. I mean, geez, I am a reluctant, inexperienced, nervous amatuer actor. Not even an actor. I thought I wanted to join the cast as this year will be my last year here in this school, so I thought I want to act before I leave the school. And I did. It was tiring, with the intensive rehearsals and a sleepover just before school reopens. And there was a short dance at the last scene. I love that, but just a little miffed because I couldn't get the steps right, though I know I had done my best, and I had a feeling some of them were just picking on me. I was cool most of the time. Most of the time. In the end I snapped a little, but that was it. (grins)

For a dying mother I needed to act like I was in pain from hunger, stumbling in the scorching hot sun, crying, weak and all that. Please. I love to smile and laugh, so it was super hard for me to act like that. So emo... that's SOOO not me. And when I 'died' I need to let all the control of my limbs go... and went slack. (shakes head) And that is not the worse of it. The make-up was horrible.... I didn't dare look at myself in the mirror when I was donned that make-up. I mean, I had to me made up with wrinkles, eye bags, sunken cheeks, pale lips... no way, man.

But it went well. I enjoyed myself very much. I am not ashamed to say that I was truly waiting forward to Scene 4, for the dance. And I want the song, Victory, from the movie 300. As a memory for the skit. And I had grown to love it anyway. (smirks)

Oh yeah... hehe... I went to a friend's house during the holidays, and guess what? I went berserk at seeing my darlings again. Lu Xun, Ling Tong.... I love them all! I don't know I miss them soooo much!! He said I was a noisy fellow... none of his friends were as noisy as me when they were in his room. And I did taught him a few pointers. (winks) I am the expert after all.... (laughs)

One more thing.... I am working in the McDonalds now. Part-time. Okay, I guess... quite tiring... but fun.... the employees are friendly... make me feel soooo nervous... and hell... I blushed a lot. First I worked in the lobby... clearing the trays, wiping the tables, clearing the litters, mopping or sweeping and all that... I love that. Then they had to put me to deal with the frying of patties, nuggets and pies... that task is so demanding. I hope that I can survive there.... (shakes head) I better.

And yeah... I better get going soon... Need to attend last two performance, to be video-cammed. Then I can put it behind my back already. Regretfully. (sigh)

Okay... see you tomorrow... with another entry. Let me warn you first, that entry is going to be a tad depressing, so be prepared.

Warmest regards

Me

Worry does not empty tomorrow of sorrow - it empties today of strength.

Corrie ten Boom

Tears and Grad Nite and Love

2007-11-26T14:04:00.000+08:00

Hey, people... guess what? I'm back.

Again. Told you I'm still alive and kicking. Nothing is going to bring me down... but then again, I can't wait to bring someone down... So fun. Playing with a friend is lots better and different than playing with myself or my sis. So that's why I can't wait for that day!!!

Ehem... time to get serious... Later I got to type the questions for the interview, and send it through the email to the executive... so tedious... if I'm too lazy to do it today... maybe tomorrow... and it got to be tomorrow. There's not enough time left... sigh... so exasperating...

Oh yeah... been gushing on about the Grad Nite... did I? Oh... I didn't? Okay, here it is...

Grad Nite was on 22nd November 2oo7, Thursday. A day BEFORE my Dean starts. So yeah... I wore like an exhausted businesswoman with a broom for my hair... (It's THAT messy...)

WL: I think despite the messiness, you look good.

Gee, thanks, WL. Of course I look good. I am me. And I am proud of myself. Of how I look... but that's not the point.

The Grad Nite was sooo saddening... (is there such a word? Probably.) I can't believe I shed tears during that event... Actually I was a pretty good at holding back my tears but when it came to the hugging the people... the tears just flowed... oh dammit... Never mind... the time with them just flitted by so quickly... like it had been just yesterday... they are going to graduate soon... and then so am I. But... I am, like the others, have grown so close to some of them... I can only hope we can meet again someday...

Right. Before the hugging session, I looked around and saw a lot of others crying... the ExCos... I only arched an amused eyebrow... but I understood. Because that was how I felt, too. I just didn't being so loud about it.. (smirks) But then again... none of us actually wailed or bawled out loud...

Oh, yeah. I was like a mad woman set loose with a camera. (Yeah, even WL agrees) So, now I got a cameraphone, expect even more moments of 'Hey, care to pose for a picture?' If I feel like it, I just snapped a photo just like that. Haha. Caught in the act! At times I took snapshots of the sky... or something.. see? Camera and me? Bad combination! (laughs)

Wait. Was rambling off again. The emcee for that Grad Nite had done an absolutely good job, despite being teary and all... he still managed to carry on. I almost got off the chair to go towards him to give a comforting pat on the shoulder or something... but I couldn't... so shy... there's people watching...

Aww... so sweet... I wish my Grad Nite is that sweet too... Wonder if there's anyone who will miss me or such... or whether I have created an impact on someone's life... It is always nice to know that, right?

One more thing for me to touch on here...

It is sometimes quite hurting to see that my closest friends are engaged in relationships that are beyond friendships... is in or used to be in... I'm not. I haven't. Not yet. And still unsure when. But I will still be waiting for him... waiting to the opportune moment to meet him, tell him and hear what he got to say. I have waited 7 years... what's a few more? Only after then I will decide what to do...

Sigh... at times I wonder if I'm delusional... if all that wait is just plain meaningless...

Oh well... gotta go. Someone beside me is nagging me to end the post... and all... (roll eyes) Okay, fine... already reaching the end, okay? Patience!

Alright, will be back, hopefully soon with brighter post... this one is a little emo, I guess...

Warmest regards

Me

PS: There's LOTS of references to WL because right now where I'm writing this post, he is right beside me. So, please, do NOT mind him alright? Peace! =)

Catch ya later!

Tears may be dried up, but the heart - never.

Marguerite de Valois

Life's Got to Go On

2007-11-21T08:35:00.000+08:00

Hello, people.

The storm had evened out, leaving only traces of strong winds that rocked my ship slightly. Still, the dark clouds hover in the sky, threatening to unleash another storm, but for now, the rays from the long-forgotten sun shower on the ocean. Whatever it is, I'm ready. Sort of.

Quite hectic these few weeks. There's SHRI Challenge going on... AFTER we are forced into it. Now only first two laps... still got the questions for the interview the the NUH Representative to be confirmed, still need to call her up to set up a date for the appointment... holy crap. And my team members are not showing any signs of interest. At all. So looks like I am going to shoulder most of the work. Again.

And there's PR project too... Good thing I'm not the only one, and good thing my new, or rather, somewhat reluctant team members, had got the most of the work done. I just need to settle the Bugdet (man, I hate that part!), Media and Recommendation sections of the report. And gotta do some editing. And maybe lend a hand in the PowerPoint Slides.

Oh yeah... tomorrow got Graduation Night for the Jan Intake 2007 councillors... can't believe it has been a year with them already... Good thing I have a camera phone with me... Haha, it is dangerous to let me loose with a camera, I can go around snapping everybody's photos, anytime, anywhere. At least I have a visual memory of them, not just ... you know... memories... And what is bothering me is that the theme for the night is GEEKY. I mean, geez, what I am supposed to wear? There is NO WAY I am going to dress up strange, dress up weird, dress up as someone who is NOT me! So what now? Hope I can grab several formal clothes.. hehe... and then get someone to tie my hair into two. But then I will look cute, not nerdy... but then again, who the heck cares? Coz I'm sure as hell don't!

And YES!!!! Supernatural Season 2 is just TWO days away!!! Can't wait to see my DEAN all over again!!! I have been waiting for ages and ages and centuries and he is finally here!!! Oh man, oh man, oh man!

Ehem... hehe... sorry for that little outburst... guess I wasn't thinking straight, but then again, I wasn't thinking straight when there's Dean around!

Oh, yeah. Hopefully next week I can scoot over to a friend's house to play PS2. Oh, yeah, man. Can't wait to get my hands on the game. It HAS been so long. TOO long. And yes, I am going to bring him down. Haha, always wanting to show that hey, girl gamers are not bad, too! Can't wait for the ultimate showdown!

Alright, guess I better get going. See you around, and I hope the coming entries wouldn't be so... dark... so emo... haha...

Warmest regards

Me

The words you speak today should be soft and tender. . . for tomorrow you may have to eat them.

Unknown

Life's real failure is when you do not realize how close you were to success when you gave up.
Unknown

When will This Misery End?

2007-11-14T08:42:00.000+08:00

So it is finally here...

HE is finally here... after two weeks only NOW he came looking for me, armed with that custody paper. (snorts) And what? He wants to call the police and drag me to Pertapis? Fine. Do as he pleases. I don't care. What matters is that I WON'T go back. It's time for him to see why. It's time for him to accept that I'm NOT going back to him. Ever.

I am already 19, for goodness sake. I am entitled to make my own decisions. I am entitled to set my own path! Why can't he let me GO? Why can't he see that I refuse to get back to him? Why can't he let me do what I want to do? Why?!

I wish tomorrow will never come. Because tomorrow will be a hell lot chaotic. He will make my life more miserable than he already did. He won't let me have my own way. He won't want to back down. He won't stop. Dammit, he won't listen to me or even let me say what I want to say!

Look, it is not like I do not appreciate him. I do. I know he struggles to bring the family up. I know he shags his ass for us, but c'mon, I rather suffer with someone that understands me than having it easy with someone who won't, don't, can't understand me. Who looks down at every single thing I do. That alone is a torture. A torment on my side. It is worse than physical wounds. I can't live like this. I can't!

And I do not want to face my sister again. She is the one that triggered the whole damn thing! Now thanks to her, my life is in shambles... Can't believe it. Can't believe she has the heart, the guts, the cheek to do this to me. Way to go, sis. Fine way to show me how much you love me. But then again, maybe she didn't even care.

It seems that everyone is out to make my life's a complete misery. My father, my siblings... goddammit. This don't have to proceed this way. There's a lot of alternatives, so why must he choose this one? One that hurts all of us? God, I wish I can roll over and die. Maybe then everyone will be satisfied. I'm tired of fighting. Tired of staying and being strong when I know my soul is crumbling. What's the point?

I am so not looking forward for tomorrow. No fucking way. I tremble in righteous fear at the thought of it.

Fine. If Dad wants to send me there, go ahead, just send me. It beats returning to that place. To where everyone has blacklisted me. I can deal. But I wonder... I am not THAT rebellious... I do not smoke, I don't hang out with barbaric teens, I am not aggressive, I am not wild... why send me there? Will they accept? God I hope not.

I don't care. If this is the kind of life I will be having, then live it I shall. I can only hope that I can hold on till the darkness and pain and storms are all over... but how long? How long will it last? How long can I hold on? I am not sure anymore...

.......

I really wish I can watch Supernatural Season 2. Really. Dean... I wish I can as strong as you... but... I am only me... I am just a girl... and my heart can only hold so much pain...

Please... I have enough... I have only one wish... why is it so hard for it to come true?

Warmest regards

Me

You can't love anyone until you understand that you can't love everyone.

RealLivePreacher.com Weblog, October 20, 2003

More Storms

2007-11-07T08:38:00.000+08:00

Hey, people

Got a lot to say, actually... but not sure where to begin.

I try not to think about it but hell, I miss my sister a lot. Sometimes when the thought just flutters to my mind I can feel myself crumbling from the inside. Sure, I am angry and upset at her for what she had done but at the same time I miss her so much... I just could not help wondering if she misses me too... does she?

And then THAT man. Like with my ex-stepdad, I have this dislike for him at the first sight. I don't quite like him, I told my mum, but the truth is, I don't like him. Not at all! Something about him turns me off. He is just... dammit, words fail me. When my mum tries talking to him he only grunts in reply or just answer in a disinterested manner or sometimes not reply at all. When mum asks him to help with her with something, he just plainly ignores her. I don't know what my mum sees in him. Really... if it is up to me, I just feel like kicking the man from here to the end of the world, or bash him up real good until he is nothing more than a bloody pulp. But for my mum's sake I will tolerate him. I will torelate him for as long as I should.

He betrays my mum, in a way. Chatting with women in his mobile, then calling her up... Mum knows all about it. Not the woman's fault, she said... He was the one who started it first. Calling her and then she gave him her number... he had the cheek to do it in front of her, and me. Chatting, I mean. Geez, doesn't he have any shame at all?

Nevermind. I so do not want to talk about it. Has given me, like what Dean had said, 'a headache the size of Texas.'

And now mum has a pain in her mouth... got something to do with her wisdom tooth, I guess. Wisdom tooth, huh? Wisdom.... it is NOT supposed to cause you any pain... whatever, though. It pains me to see her hissing in pain everytime she attempts to talk or to eat... I wish I can take that pain into my own, so she don't have to suffer any pain. Don't think that's possible. She will on medication of antibiotics and painkillers until she got her wisdom tooth removed on Monday... then it will be a week until the stitches will be removed... So that means it will be two weeks for me to tolerate her being... snappy at me. I understand why. Having a toothache beats having ulcer, but to me there really isn't any difference.

Oh yeah, one more thing... I found HIM. So impossibly near yet achingly distant. Leave TWO comments on his profile but he didn't reply... If I can wait for 7 freaking years, what's a few more? For now I just step back and let time unfold the Fate lying in wait.

Maybe it's ridiculous. I don't even know why I can't seem to let him go, why I can't forget him. It has been so long, and I doubt he ever remembered me. He only adds me as a friend in his friendster. A friend. A friend that he has long forgotten... He doesn't even remember... Heh, I must be delusional, right? Damn right.

Sigh... apart from my wayward stomach who seems to repel everything I put inside (now I feel like going to the ladies. Again. Twice in a day. Can't believe it) I will get on with life.... life huh? Meanwhile I will try to repel what's in before getting food in before heading for class.

Goodbye, for now.

Warmest regards
Me
Gale
Estelle
Estelwen

Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength.” –August Wilson

Another Day, Another Wound To the Heart

2007-10-31T09:42:00.000+08:00

Hey, people...

Finally, I'm OUT of that place no longer my home. OUT, and will NOT return. Ever. I can breathe easy now, feel so much calmer, and yes, happier definitely. Just need to adjust myself to the new environment, but that will be a piece of cake.

My father (He will always be my father, no matter what) told me through my stepmum that he won't allow me to go to school on Tuesday, which was yesterday but I was already determined to leave that place on Tuesday itself, so at the dead of the night I packed my clothes in the darkness, then lay in wait for dawn to come. Of course, I took some shut-eye in between... even considering not taking a shower before I bailed out of there... but in the end took a shower anyway... hightailed out of the there and grabbed the first cab I saw... Goodness, the fare was a whooping 20 bucks! Got a feeling he cheated... but doesn't matter.

Before that message he asked to talk to me. I complied, knowing what to expect. For goodness sake, my Committee Manager called me and he thought someone else! I mean, GODDAMMIT! He smashed my phone into the wall and expect ME to remember ALL the contact numbers in that little SIM card? I could barely hold back my rage! He said something about me or my mum dying and how could he find us and I almost said "Don't bother find us' but I bit off the last minute. He said that the house is not a hotel, but really, even a hotel offers a BETTER service than that sorry excuse for a home. Geez. He told me to get the numbers... sure, after HE was the one who destroyed my phone. He called me stupid. So what? I am ALWAYs stupid in his eyes... After the one-sided conversation I slammed the phone down and stormed into the room. I was so ANGRY!

Then I heard my stepmum saying to my sister to separate my laundry from theirs. I snorted. Do what they want. I don't care anymore. I'm leaving anyway. And I have EVERY reason to. Just look at how they treated me. WORSE than a dirt. And they want me to stay? NO FUCKING WAY! Grr....

I'm NOT going back. Ever. Not anymore. Not after they have treated me. Not after had been said to me. Not after what had NOT been said to me. Not after I had gone through. I'm NOT going back. There's NO point! So, yes, I'm saying goodbye. For good.

But they will not be forgotten. Their words, their behavior, every single memory I had there will NOT be forgotten. Even though some are best left forgotten, not to be remembered or kept.

Don't get me wrong. I DON'T hate them. In fact, I love them with all my heart and soul. But they will NEVER understand me. They will NEVER do. I cling to them with both hands but they are shaking me off like I'm a nuisance. My own family. The ones I hold dear in my heart... they have the HEART to do this to me... how could they? How could they NOT see my sincere intentions? Why must EVERYTHING went ABSOLUTELY WRONG? Do they HATE me that much? I am not WORTH their love?

At least I am with Mum now. I can breathe easy... everthing is back on the calm... but I have to be cautious... Father will definitely NOT be happy I ran off to find solace in Mum, so maybe he'll go pay my school a visit to give me an earful. Or maybe he'll stand in the shadows watching me, then tailing me back home. Or maybe he will go straight to my Grandma's place to 'attack' her. Yeah, he THOUGHT they BRAINWASHED me. POISONED me. Yeah, RIGHT. Like I can't make my own decisions. Like I cannot think for my own good. For goodness sake, can't he just leave me the hell ALONE? He ruins MY life, and he't not going to stop until I am really broken? What EXACTLY does he want?!

(breathes deeply) Okay. Okay. Okay. I try NOT to think about it. It hurts. It hurts a DAMN lot btu sometimes no matter how hard I try the nasty words and the nasty looks just keep appearing, mocking me, sneering at me and each time they do that, it hurts a lot. To be treated like THAT by your own family... tell me straight in the eyes... how would YOU feel if you are in my shoes?

Sigh... Yay. Mum's gonna get me a new handphone tonight, hopefully. An LG phone with all the features inside, MP3 songs, camera, bluetooth, FM radio... all in a slim, black, light phone. Perfect. Sort of. But doesn't matter. Am not choosy. Just can't wait to get my hands on that phone and then life will get a hell lot easier... somewhat.

Soon I gonna have my hair cut or trimmed, and my spectacles changed. One by one, slowly. Thanks, Mum.

Alright, gotta go. Lesson not even started yet and am already so sleepy...

Hope the days ahead will be a lot brighter... Not sure I can handle storm right now.

Warmest regards
Me

Storms make oaks take deeper root.

George Herbert (1593 - 1633)

Opting Out Of This Life

2007-10-24T16:28:00.000+08:00

Hello, people...

Finally... the long day has come to an end... I'm so unbelievably tired and sleepy even though I slept at 9+ last night. I wonder why. Maybe I am under serious emotional drain... or maybe because whenever I reach home, I took a shower and just stay in the room, pratically doing nothing except fiddling with the computer. Thank goodness the machine is there... if not... I'll be bored to death.

I have slowly but surely remove my most precious belongings out from the house. I can't stand to live in that kind of environment anymore... where everyone in the family looks down at me in disdain... heck, they don't even look at me. I'm being completely ignored. Again. Sure, I can do ignore, but not from those I love. So that's why I'm moving out. To live with my mum. I don't care anymore. I doubt they care, too. They might even be happy because I'm out of their hair.

Since THAT incident I always dread going home. (Home? Is it really appropriate to consider it a home anymore?) I spend more time in school and/or with friends so that I have lesser hours spent at home. When I reach home, I don't eat anything at all... except for a couple of peanuts M&Ms (Heh, Dean) to quiet the hungered rumblings. I've lost weight, yes, I've noticed that. All for the better, eh?

Damn... (rubs eyes sleepily) C'mon, eyes... this is not the time to be pathetic.

Yeah... had posted a Supernatural fic Incomplete, centered on Dean, and received two positive reviews... and then two days ago just posted the second chapter with was 6 times as long (or close to). Crawling Back to You. Gotten several encouraging reviews... they liked it. I was swooning with delight. So my first two Supernatural kicked off quite well... I was thinking maybe...

Stop it. I gotta hafta COMPLETE my other fanfictions... hell they are waiting in my thumbdrive, looking at me with pitiful eyes begging me to finish them off... (sounds cruel, right?) Sorry to disappoint, right now I have a writer's block and a damn heavy load on my shoulders so the completion work can wait until I can sort things out. Which, hopefully, gonna be real soon.

Sigh... to think that... never mind... too tired to bring the matter up.

2 weeks. 2 weeks and I'll have to say goodbye. Finally, huh? Grandma's there... but... I have to go. HAVE to. Because... I am a burden. A disappointment. Tried to strike a conversation but they just ignore me... so that's it... I'm leaving. For good. Wish them eternal bliss without me by their side.

Oh wait! Found some really HOT pictures of Dean. I'm practically drooling over him. Haha. You just see, but don't look at him for too long, coz he's MINE. All mine! (smirks)

There! He's incredibly HOT, right?

Ehem, okay, gotta go. Catch ya soon, and don't worry, I'm NOT depressed, because I got him! (laughs) Nah... kidding...

Warmest Regards
Me

Better to write for yourself and have no public, than to write for the public and have no self.

Cyril Connolly (1903 - 1974)

A Weary Warrior Drops to her Knees, and her Sword Falls to the Ground

2007-10-19T08:17:00.000+08:00

Wednesday, 17 October 2007, 7.30pm

It wasn’t as bad as I thought, but at the same time, it is worse than what I had in mind… but then… like what Dad had said, let’s leave it to Fate. Let Fate decides what going to happen to me. Be it I suffer for an eternity, or get knocked down by a car or something much worse… I’m tired. I’m tired of fighting, of fighting to be strong, to be tough when I know deep inside I couldn’t… I couldn’t hold on much longer… I just want to let go… let it go… give up… surrender…

I’m sorry. I’m really sorry for whatever wrongdoings I have done. I know some of the things I’ve done are unpardonable, and the word ‘sorry’ doesn’t even come close to convey the actuality of the regret festering in me. But I’m sorry. I’m sorry for such being a burden, a trouble to everyone. I’m sorry.

Saying ‘sorry’ is cheap, I know. It’s too pathetic and too cheap to even patch up the injuries I have inflicted, unintentionally or otherwise. But my apologies are heartfelt, and the regret is deep. I didn’t even mean to break their hearts, to hurt them this bad, but I guess I did, and I’m sorry.

Goodness, Dad’s freaking mad at me. If I’m uncertain whether he hates me in the past, I am 100% sure now that he hates me. Despite what he had claimed, in my eyes, he loves my elder brother and my younger sister more, a lot more than he loves me. He had given up on me that night. He had washed his hands off me. He had CURSED me. At first, I was stricken. Did he HATE me enough to do that? Did he just curse me? But then, I felt nothing… just numb. I deserve this, I supposed. I deserve this. Maybe I deserve a fate much worse than this.

I don’t blame him, though. It was my fault entirely. I knew from the start I won’t be able to live up to his expectation, the way he wants me to be, and I apologize for being such a failure. A terrible disappointment.

If… if I am really going to leave this family, one I’ve grown quite attached to, it’s alright. It’s alright. Dad had smashed my phone into the wall, but it’s alright. I can ask for my friends’ numbers again. I can start anew. One day. Good thing I am not one to remember phone numbers. That means I don’t remember this house phone, my Dad’s, brother’s, sister’s and stepmum’s phone numbers. At all. It is all for the better, I guess. I can start anew and will not bother them anymore, if that is their wish. But like what I’ve said time and again, it’s alright. No matter where I am, who I am with, I will keep them close in my heart. They will not be forgotten. For as long as I live, they will NOT be forgotten. And that’s a promise.

It is because I hold them dear in my heart… I want to leave… I do not wish to cause them any trouble, anymore pain… They don’t deserve someone like me in their lives. They… don’t NEED someone like me…I am sure they will be much, much happier without me… so I guess… I’m happy too… because they are happy… without me…

But why? Why must this happen this way? To me it is a minute matter but to someone like Dad it is a HUGE one. Because I lied. My intention is to just keep in touch with my Mum, and I don’t recall ever corrupting my siblings about it. I lied, because one, I did not want to be suffocated with questions, and two, I did not want to be watched over like a hawk, and three, Dad wouldn’t like it if I went to see Mum. Ignorance is bliss afterall… I thought as long as I don’t return home late, as long as I don’t cause any trouble like other teenagers do… everything will be fine. But damn… should have known better than that.

Way better than that. I just wished Dad would just say ‘You don’t have to do this behind my back. You can just tell me beforehand and I will let you go see your Mum’. Simple as that. If only Dad is THAT understanding… but then again… this family don’t do understanding.

So everything transformed into something really ugly. Like Dean would have said… something really FUGLY (smiles wistfully).

He said I’m the devil… A devil, huh… (sadly now)

I’m tired, really tired. Numb. Empty. Hollow. Cold inside. No anger. That rage had ebbed out of me awhile back. Perhaps a little bit of sadness, a deep feeling of regret and guilt and a lot of hurt… but they are numb now…

Dammit… I love this family. I love Mum. I just want to hold them both with both hands. Want to let Mum know that she has someone to fall back on, that at least one of her children still remembers her, and at the same timer I want to connect to my Dad, my siblings and my other family and to show them that I love them, too. Why isn’t that too difficult to understand? I am in the middle, standing in a very shaky middle ground. Why must I be forced to choose? Why can’t they understand?

If Dad leaves me to decide entirely, I know what my decision will be like. I still want to stay with my Dad and his family, but I want to see Mum whenever I feel I want to. Why doesn’t he agree with this? Why doesn’t he let me SAY anything? If he allows that, I’ll be happy, because that is ALL I ever wanted in my life. Because I can see both of the most beloved persons.

If wishes can come true, I wish them to be together again. But this is reality. And wishes like these are impossible. Almost laughable. Downright ridiculous, so that is the reason why I resorted to stand in the middle ground. Even that is so wrong…

But it really saddens me… I can’t recall any memories of me asking my Dad for anything. Except to get him to sign consent forms so I could go and do as required, but other than that I never ask him for anything! And I’ve tried so damn hard to do as he says. I’ve tried my damnedest. Why can’t he see that? I know I had obeyed his orders as best as I can. Most of the time I decline the urge to hang out with friends, to take part-time job during the holidays because I thought of my stepmum at home juggling between the household chores and her two small kids. She desperately needed a hand, and I knew that hand was going to be mine, because it is my responsibility, so I say ‘no’ to my wishes to fulfill the responsibility. I guess that went unnoticed, too.

Why isn’t my ONE single wish granted? Why must it transform into something hideous, something difficult, something painful?

One thing I know for sure… being the second child of the family sucks out loud. Now the fact that my Dad hates me, curses me, washes his hands off me, and this family hates me just as well, are undeniable. Of course I feel sad, a bit horrified too, but the fact only confirm the suspicions I have all along; I wasn’t loved. Wasn’t appreciated. Wasn’t understood.

I understand, though… I try my hardest to understand them. The hardships they got to go through to support this family. That yes, my family loves me but the reason why I said that I feel that they hate me is because they are not good in expressing their love. They did not express it the way I want. So that’ why even though they love me, I feel like they don’t.

All I ask is simple. For them, any of them, to understand me. From the within, to the outside. By understanding me, none of this would have happened. Really. I am sure of it. But it is too late. It is always too late.

God, I am so sleepy. Just wanna close my eyes and let go. Stop holding on. But there is still so much I’ve got to say, to tell, then when I sleep I hope I wouldn’t be disturbed… Just leave me alone, please… I have been hurt enough. Can’t they see how much I am hurting? Or are they too wrapped up in their hatred and anger and ego to see me in turmoil?

It is never my intention to ruin the family, to bring storm, to –what, start- again. It is never my intention to disrupt the family’s peace my father had worked so hard to construct. No, I didn’t even THINK of that, because such thing is downright unthinkable. I am NOT like that. I don’t have the heart to do that. To destroy the ones I hold dear in my heart. But goddammit, but why can’t they see it? Why must things progress this way? It could have progressed into gentler, less painful alternatives. It doesn’t have to proceed this way. This painful way.

Goddammit, if my sister hadn’t blab on me, none of these nightmarish days would happen. Ignorance is bliss, afterall. I had hoped that this will stay for 2 years more, until I move back to my Mum, with the intention of dropping by the house for a visit, but no, it is not to be. I should have known. Dammit, I should have known. It is all out in the light, and it’s too late for anything now. Except for me to grit my teeth and brace through the storm until it’s all over. I hope I can last that long. I don’t even know how long I can keep holding on.

In spite of everything, I want to thank them all. Thank them all for those happy moments, for everything they had and they had not done for and to me. I really do appreciate it, and I’m sorry because I had caused them nothing but trouble. Too bad things will have to end this way. I still wish things will end in a more civilized manner.

It never fails to hurt me to recall my sister’s and my father’s venomous words so filled with hate. God… why must it be me? Why must the one, the sister I love more than I love myself do this to ME?

And it also hurts not to be able to watch D-Grayman and Cowboy Bebop… those are really COOL anime, and I kinda like them. Especially Allen, Lavi, Lenalee, Kanda, Krory… (so cute!) and of course, I definitely won’t be able to watch Supernatural later… and that HURTS a damn lot… Dean…I wish I can be just as strong as you. Really I do.

I’m not blaming anyone. I’m not blaming anyone but myself. This is my fault entirely. I chose to walk this path. I brought this catastrophe upon myself… so I just surrender to Fate, to time, to Allah … because He knows best.

Warmest regards

Me

Some think it's holding on that makes one strong; sometimes it's letting go.

Sylvia Robinson

The Pain of Being in the Middle, of Being a Sister, of Being a Daughter, and the Pain of Betrayal.

2007-10-17T09:33:00.000+08:00

That fateful night, Monday, 15 October 2007 at 10.15pm.

I just couldn’t believe the idiocy of the reason that led to this agony. It was all because of pent-up anger, clashed shows and the unfairness of it all. Because of that my sister, whom I love with all my heart, whom I had put before myself, whom I had done and care so much, betrayed me. She double-crossed me and did not hesitate in doing so. She stabbed through my back with multiple, sharpened knives and the pain in my soul were unbearable. God, it hurts so much. Just thinking of her betrayal opens up wounds that are still healing; that I thought should have healed long ago. Just thinking of her betrayal strips down all my defenses and walls I had erected around myself. She had torn them all down and tossed them far away, revealing the vulnerable, scarred me. And what hurts most she did not hesitate to do that. She did not even pause to think about the things I’ve done for her. She did not. Not one bit. It makes me think if she realized anything at all. It makes me think if I’m appreciated, if I’m loved, if she loves me the way I love her.

Maybe not. It pains me because I could not recall one memory of her apologizing to me, thanking me. There isn’t one memory in my mind that shows her saying, ‘Hey, sis, thank you for everything that you’ve done for me. I’m sorry for being such an asshole. I want you to know that I love you so much, and I’m glad that you are my sister.’ She didn’t say anything like that. Not at all. Not even close. So maybe... maybe... she doesn’t love me. Even if she does, she doesn’t know how but... it ought to simple, right? I haven’t asked for anything complicated... just a heartfelt ‘thank you’ will do.

Dammit, Dean, how the hell you handle Sam? Despite all those things he had done to you, despite all those things you had done for him? I don’t understand how you could be this strong in the face of betrayal from someone you love most? How, Dean? Tell me how, because I am on the verge of breaking down.

Me and Dad had a talk this morning, Tuesday. Well, he did most of the talking. I just bowed my head and focused on the design on the mattress at my feet. A hell lot better than staring at my father’s face, or his eyes for that matter. I was too tired, too sleepy to argue, to defend myself, so I let him talk and accuse me and the others. I wanted to close my eyes, then. He was proud of my brother, proud of my sister but not me. He told me I was the one who caused trouble; I was the one who is the storm in his ocean of life. I was the one who destroyed everything. I am a burden to everyone. Am I really? I feel that way.

It was really hard, really, goddamned hard to live up to everyone’s expectations, to be what everyone wants me to be. Hell, it was equally hard and painful to be myself. To be misunderstood. To be a disappointment. Even though I’ve tried my best. But it seems that my best isn’t enough.

Dad is hopping mad at me. He cursed me. Said if I lied again I would get knocked down by a car. At first, I was dumbstruck. That he had the heart to do this to me. And a little scared. But then I just narrowed my eyes. Fine. All the better if I got knocked down by a car while crossing the road. Perhaps the pain might cancel out this pain I’m feeling right now. And no one will care. No one will get all worried, all teary, all regretful. They will just turn up their noses and snort, “Serves you right. You deserve this.”

But do I really? I am just a simple girl, with simple wants. Why can’t that be noticed? All I want is someone to understand me. To share my pain with. Is that too much to ask? I will be happy to have that someone. But… looks like I need to look harder.

I just want to see my mum. My other family. Without having anyone breathing down my neck and watching my every move and listening to my every word. Questioning me. I don’t like that at all. That’s why I choose to do this; leading a ‘double’ life. But I am not a hypocrite. I do not encourage nor disagree with everything that mum said about Dad, though inside I was countering every point. Same goes when my dad is dissing at my mum. I wanted so badly to argue, to defend or something, but I couldn’t. Dad has that effect on me. Lock my capability to speak whenever he is telling me off. So I just sat there, without any shields to ward off the insults he had unleashed on me. Without even bothering to defend myself. Why, you might ask. Simple. I do not want the lecture to lengthen any further. I do not want the lecture to erupt into something much worse. And to do that I got to keep my mouth shut and let them come at me. Even though they hurt me, even though they rip the soul inside.

I’m so tired. I just want to fall back and close my eyes and sleep forever. Or at least sleep this thing through. Hell, yeah, fat chance. I’m hungry, but somehow I couldn’t find the appetite to eat. My throat just closes up on me at the thought of food. So I didn’t have any solid food since last night. Only bits and pieces that will only quiet the hungered rumblings of the tummy for a while. But overall, I’m just tired. Empty. Cold and dead inside. Too tired even to shed any tears. Yes, I’m tired. Tired of staying strong. Tired of trying not to break down. Tired of living, even. Sometimes I just feel like letting go. Just close my eyes and let go. Give up. Give in. But that would mean disaster, for me and for everyone. A catastrophe. So that’s why I hold on, hang on even when the thread is so thin, is about to snap, I hang on.

I can’t help thinking; Hey, sis, are you happy now? Did you feel the sick satisfaction watching me in agony, watching me on the verge of breaking down, watching the family fell apart because of your betrayal? Are you happy now? Did you also think, ‘hey, sis, serves you right. You deserve this.’?

Maybe I did deserve this. I didn’t do enough to be a good elder sister. I didn’t do enough to make her as happy as she should be. I had no idea when she started sowing seeds of anger and hatred at me. Even though I damn well know I love her to pieces, love her enough to put her needs and wants before myself most of the time. Love her enough to forgive her for what she had done to me, even though it hurts like hell. I don’t want to lose her, to let her go. I can’t imagine a life without her by my side.

But I guess that little gesture of affections did not go appreciated. Was not even treasured. I doubt if she remembered me taking care of her when she had a fever, me attending her Starburst performance, me attending the Meet-The-Parents session on Dad’s behalf, me fetching her from school when she wasn’t feeling well, me asking her about her school, her class, her friends, her progress… I doubt if she knows that whenever I buy something I never fail to think of her first. Hell, I even buy for her, too. Whenever she voices that she wants something, I try my best to get for her. Did she even care?

Does she really hate me that much? Hate me enough to tell on me? Hate me enough to betray me? Dammit…

Hell, she tells on me, causes this hell, but I didn’t go around telling on her. Didn’t tell Dad that her teacher was the one who buys for her the swimming costume. Who pays for her courses. No, I don’t. He will defend her anyway, and blame it on me. So it is useless. And my brother… he is just as unreliable. I just don’t understand them. I tried, but there’s no way I could. Because they don’t want to understand me. Refuses to understand me, and even if they do, I don't know why they refuse to show it.

Forget it. I'm tired of everything. Tired of being strong, tired to being tough when my soul is crumbling into pieces inside. Even now I dread going back home, facing my father's wrath... unreasonable wrath... his hurtful accusations... insults... I don't want to go back if I can help it... but I got to. There's no running away from it. God, I wish time would stop... just this once...

Whatever. I'll do what I have always done... grit my teeth and hang on... brace all the storms and push on forward till I reach the light... The journey is going to be tough but it will come to an end somehow. I just have to perservere... to go through it no matter how painful it will be...

God... please give me strength to carry on...

Warmest Regards

Me

Knowing that there is worse pain doesn't make present pain hurt any less.

Real Live Preacher, Real Live Preacher weblog, 03-22-05

Good to be Back

2007-10-15T11:28:00.000+08:00

Hey, good to be back, after a month of total abstinence.

Yeah, good guess. I'm in school now. Thank goodness school vacation's over but I'm soo not looking forward for the lessons, because the timetable sucks out loud. Start in the late morning, and ends late in the afternoon! Excuse me, I am a morning, or close to, person. Lessons in the afternoon will just make me feel dreary. Tired. Damn... why the hell did the school have to take in so many classes when it doesn't have enough rooms for all the classes? Damn... it gotta work on the organising of things and all...

And this morning was a hell of a morning... Well... not exactly but it was... a disaster. Yes, that's it. A disaster. The PA seemed to have gone for a vacation too. The anthem could not be played, the microphone was not working, and the whole school snickered when the SC VP hollered them to rise for assembly, then told them to proceed to their classes. And the flags had to be raised without the song.. Everything was just so wierd...

Fasting month was a drag... Long, and a mite tiring. Got to help out with the pre-dawn breakfast... and help out with the preparation of the break fast. And those small guys are not helping matters. Sigh... and geez, I just felt that this year's Raya isn't going to be as fun as the previous. I don't know... the spirit just isn't there...

Damn... actually I got so many to talk about... wait, I did. I almost forgot! (grins excitedly) Haha, prepare yourself!

I just wanna make this clear... I don't fall in love with Jensen Ackles. I am NOT head over heels with him. I am so deeply, madly, truly, crazy in love with Dean Winchester. That damn hot guy. Jensen Ackles is nowhere that hot, nowhere that cool... and whenever I see Jensen, I see Dean.

(Well, duh... obviously they are of the same person... but at the same time, they're not. You get my drift, don't you?)

Ehem, that's done. Hope he hears that... (laughs)

Ooh, right... Just now in the morning, in the bus, when I was sleepy and yet fully aware of the song blaring in my head, two ITE students clad in white top uniform were so damn close to each other... like they were attached to the hips... And that wasn't all. They sat in the seat right in front of ME, and got even closer! I mean, for goodness sake!! Don't they have any shred of dignity at all? Morning or not there are people watching! And if they are so desperate to get even closer, go get a room or something! Just don't go around getting intimate in public in school uniform! Not only they smear their own names, their family's name with shame, they also smear the school with shame! Have they even thought about that? No, I guess not, because they are so lost in their world. Goddammit!

Hmmm... what else?

I think I better sign off for now... Gotta recall back what I initally wanna write and I will do that in the next entry. See you soon.

Warmest Regards

Me

What man does not understand, he fears; and what he fears, he tends to destroy.

Unknown

ECO Camp

2007-09-03T15:52:00.000+08:00

Hey, everyone!

It has been two days after the ECO camp, and the memories are fresh in my mind. Don't think I will forget them anytime soon.

ECO camp was held directly after Teachers' Day Celebration. 1st Sept to 2nd Sept, Saturday and Sunday. I was intially hoping for it to be postponed as the week had already been tiring, but looking back at it now, I am glad it was over, so that I can focus on other stuff, like the encroaching examinations, the reivision that I always put on hold (gotta get myself to START revising...) And then fasting month is near, too. Glad it's over.

Though, obviously, there are some good and bad memories. I will relate them as best as I can, and you decide for yourself if it is a good memory or a bad one, but like I said, it is pretty obvious.

And I'm gonna warn you, this entry is going to be the longest yet. I think I am most likely going to recount everything in detail, complete with my thoughts and feelings regarding such events, so buckle up your seatbelts and bear with me.

Okay, so where shall I start? Right, the first day in Ngee Ann Poly. Seriously, I was excited. It is going to be my future school afterall as I planned to take Early Childhood Education course there but the thing is, when I reached there, I couldn't help grimacing in disgust and disappointment. The school is OLD. It has clearly seen better times. Old and huge. Damn. Sigh.

And the moment I saw the so-called Ngee Ann student leaders, I knew right from the start that they are NOT leaders at all, just someones who are RELUCTANT to become leaders. Yeah, right. They DON'T have the look of a leader, the personality of a leader, the attitude of a leader, the bearings of a leader, the DISCIPLINE of a leader. See? They are NOT leaders... not at all. They don't have a single bit of the leadership personality in them. Hah! They seem younger than us, than me, and they... I don't know, just bother with among themselves and left us, the group they were SUPPOSED to lead, alone. Can you just see what GREAT leaders they are? (snorts) Sure, they planned and organized and all, yes, I appreciate their hard effort, but seriously, I am thorougly disappointed. Poly students like them, yeah, right! I think ITE students are a LOT better, thank you very much.

You know how I guess correctly? I CAN tell if someone is a good leader or not or things like that. From the moment we assembled at the -what?- lobby?- they didn't come out to greet us. Or escort us to their - whatever- room. We were their guests for goodness sake! Is this how they treated guests? And we -or the school, rather - paid them, dammit, and they EXPECTED us to find our way to their whatever room ourselves. Good. Great. PERFECT. Way to go, people!

Once we reached into the whatever room, we were made to wait for a while before they commenced the whole thing. Here is the brief summary of the entire time spent in the poly; boring presentation, boring speeches, boring games, yeah, you get the idea. Did I mention that they don't quite know how to deliver instructions effectively, CLEARLY? I did now. At times they weren't loud enough. Damn. And there was something much, much worse.

I know it was not the Vice President's fault, but seriously, he ought to know better. Dumping HER in MY group... thank you, man. The three of us, could only tolerate her presence, her voice, herself. And the other one was so ANTI her he either had to leave the group or leave the camp, so in the end he joined other group. But me, us, we just rolled her eyes and made snark comments about her to ourselves. She was SUCH a pain -forgive my language (glares at Dean)- in the ass. In the neck. Everywhere. Dammit. There was one time when we were doing our first discussion, she yakked and yakked so much until I could not voice my opinions. Frustrated, angered, I snapped. Snapped at her to SHUT the hell up and LISTEN to what I had to say. I literally SHOUTED in her face and I knew I slammed my palm on the paper to prove my point. The look on her face was PRICELESS, and hell, it's worth it, because she shut up for a time being, and would not LOOK my way. And my three friends were applauding me. Heh. (smirks) I never felt so much better in my life. (winks) Maybe I should shout at people often (laughs).

Oh yeah, the 'leader' of my group doesn't know how to spell shit. (DEAN!) At all. Dammit. She always get the simplest of words wrong, and the whole paper was untidy and messy. I could hardly resist the tempation to rip the marker off her fingers and rip the paper apart and screamed for a new one. It was THAT bad.

And god, the lunch was PATHETIC. The food's in a lunchbox, was cold and hard and so UNAPPETISING, but since I was starving I ate it anyway. Food is food afterall.

In the afternoon, after I pretty much domninated the discussion (alright, my handwriting isn't much better but at least the things on the paper was organized) we could EVEN take a nap, and they let us. Wonderful for us, but it reflect not so good about them.

The shower room was okay, good even. And then we buckled up for the next, much-awaited part of the camp; the Underwater World!

Boy oh boy, was I excited! First time being in such a beautiful world of a lot of fishes, I get to realize further my 'Nature-Lover' self. Some of the fishes are way HUGE, the stingray, the sharks, the dugong (sea cow) and whoa! Every single thing is beautiful! I know I gushed 'cute' in practically every of my sentences. I was overwhelmed. Being surrounded by the marine life, I felt like I was in heaven... the underwater heaven. And god, the Japanese Giant Crab are, well, giant. There are like, three of them in a tank. There are Dory (blue surgeon fish), Nemo, Marlin, Carol, (anemone fish, or rather, clownfish) Bubbles (sorry, forgot to check its name) starfishes, Gill (forgot to check that name, too) um... there are sea angels, too, sea dragons, and tons more. Yes, how can I forget, GIANT stingrays... yummy... thought of Asam Pedas and Curry Stingray was enough to leave me drooling.

There are tanks for visitors to touch the elegantly swimming stingrays or a bunch of other fishes, too. My sister gonna LOVE this! (hope will be able to bring her to Underwater World someday) I touched the forgot-the-name sharks (they ARE friendly). I let my fingers to trail the length of its body, the fins.. And the stingray, too. I practically touched every single fish I can get my hands on. (grins)

The food's great. Much more yummy. I 'experimented' some of the food on each tray, and yes, I was satisfied.

Watched the videos on sharks. Yeah, I didn't realize that sharks swim by swishing their tails sideways... always thought them to be mammals when they are actually FISHES. Beautiful, deadly, elegant fishes. I was enthralled just by looking at them.

Then at night, we slept in the tunnel... where above us the fishes are swimming happily. The huge stingrays are the ones that always ghosted above me. And damn, the place was so COLD. Burrowing in my newly-bought sleeping bag didn't help one bit. And the ground was so hard my whole body was aching. Makeshift pillow didn't help either. Tossed around in the sleeping bag until I fell alseep. Even then, it was un uncomfortable one. I had weird dreams, none I remembered but I DO remembered that I yelled at her face, and it felt so good.

Next day, after we had the breakfast, we played a quiz in the Underwater World before heading out to the Dolphin Lagoon. The dolphins are so cute! So intelligent, and what's more interesting is that when they are young, they are grey but when they grow older they grow pinker. Interesting, huh? Posed with the dolphin, and the photo was a freaking $10. Ripped a BIG hole in my pocket, but guess it was worth it. Memories are best captured in a photographs, right? (Take a photo, Sammy. It'll last longer) Hah! Bought a strawberry smoothie (It was rather a big hole in my pocket, too) cost $3.70. And a pendant plus black choker was $4. I changed the pendant to my Keyblade pendant... gotta find the right time to wear it.

Going back was exciting! We took the double-decker without the top and loved it! It was exhalirating. The winds, the freedom, the FUN. It is as close to roller coaster ride I ever exprienced in my life! Especially the part where there was a slope and a hill and there was a bridge above and the bus like jump... It's the best I can describe it. Hard to even put it into words... but I HOPE you get the idea.

Because it was so fun, we literally begged the driver to bring us for a second ride. Not as much fun as the first, but I would be contented if only the ride went on and on and on and on... and because of that, we missed our bus that was supposed to bring us back to Ngee Ann Poly to resume the anti-climax event. Heard some of them said that the bus left because when it reached here there was no on and he assumed everyone had left. Crappy, right? And it was RAINING. In the end we headed back home ourselves. And my ezlink was depleting fast. Sigh... been counting on my mum to transfer some cash in my account on that day but well, she only gotten her pay this week, so, yeah...

Am so tired... this blog is soooo long... guess I omit some details that I think are not important, not interesting...

Had a lot of fun in Sentosa. I wish I can exprience it again! Too bad I wasn't able to let THEM know what I thought of them. If they happen to stumble to this blog entry, well, you get it. The cold, hard truth. Everything I wanna say in the feedback has already been said here. And I am incredibly tired now. So sleepy and hungry.

I'll be signing off, now. I promise there will be an entry tomorrow. About a bunch of other things. Alright, then, people, see you around.

DEAN! You just wait!

Ehem, hehe...

Warmest regard
Me

Getting fired is nature's way to telling you that you had the wrong job in the first place.

Hal Lancaster, in The Wall Street Journal

Tiring Week and Something Much Worse

2007-08-30T12:53:00.000+08:00

Hey, hello!

It is raining way heavily outside. Torrents of rain pour down from the weeping sky to drench the earth below. Whenever the door is opened, I can hear the lashing of rains as they hit the ground one after another in relentless determination. And in here, this room, I feel like it is too bright, and the fact makes me a wee bit uncomfortable.

.... A little descriptive, am I? Well, I can be descriptive if I want to, if I feel like to... don't know why I am feeling that way today....

Maybe I am just tired. Sleepy. (As always...) And perhaps... there is another reason too...

But before that, I am somewhat happy that my Marketing Project was FINALLY, COMPLETELY over. Phew. One down, many down to go. Sigh... exams are, like, a week away and guess what, I haven't start any revision yet! (sighs again and rubs eyes wearily) and later, very soon I gotta continue with the Teachers' Day gifts thingy. Still got to print the little greeting, paste it on the stupid bottle and fill it with red fine stone or something and I think that's it. And did I mention that there gonna be 96 of them to work on? Yeah, but with helpers around it wouldn't be so bad. But dammit, I am sleepy. So are others but... (sigh)

Then on Sat there will be an ECO camp in NP and Sentosa where we will be sleeping in the Underwater World. I know it's gonna be fun and all but damn, I am already tired now, will be again tomorrow and how the hell am I supposed to remain how I am when I am in my peak condition on Sat? Doesn't make any sense. And then on Monday there's still school... Crap.

When I was in my Primary School, after a medical check-up, a nurse told me I got -what?- a heart murmur or something. It was after she asked me whether I exprienced some problems. I told her the only thing that had been bothering me; my heart just started acting up suddenly, during a perfectly normal day. I would suffer anxiety and fear, you know, the kind of feeling that something bad will happen soon but as the day comes to an end nothing happen. I dismissed it as inane paranoia. It has been quiet for years now, coming only once or twice but now I have felt this for days. I am beginning to get really worried. Because it isn't just the unusually rapid beating of the heart, I feel slight pain, breathlessness, slight dizziness and a sense of always wanting to drop off to sleep.

I asked my SW teacher about heart murmur, and what he told me frightened me a little. One with heart murmur should not do any physical exercise. Not at all. And that... But I don't have heart murmur, do I?

I am not sure, so that is why I have to go visit a polyclinc to confirm if I have it or not. It is better that I don't, because I don't want to die so soon. There is so much ahead of me... I want to see my future, who will be my Mr Right, what is my job, what will become of my family... everything, everyone... Furthermore... if I do have the condition, it will mean that I will just be a burden to my family... the treatment will use up a lot of money and time which both can be used for another more important matters... not wasted on me... And I haven't done much good in my life... still need to repent, ya know... sigh...

Okaylah, still struggling with the gift and other stuff. So sleepy... Gonna leave for home soon and YES! Tomorrow night at 1am has Supernatural Asylum. My Dean! Haha, I can't wait! He is just soooooo gorgeous! Love him so much! And no, I have not forgotten the rest! (winks) Only set them aside for now. (chuckles)

Alright then, gotta go. See you again, and wish me luck (I need that!) for my coming exams! And that reminds me to study, for goodness sake!

Thank you, and take care!

Warmest regards
Me

Be like a turtle sometimes. Slow, sure, steady. One step at a time, one day at a time, one thing at a time. Don't worry, don't panic, don't rush, and everything will be fine.

Me (smiles) (1988 - )

Right Here Waiting

2007-08-30T12:33:00.000+08:00

RIGHT HERE WAITING
- Richard Marx

Ocean's apart day after day
And I slowly go insane
I hear your voice on the line
But it doesn't stop the pain

If I see you next to never
How can we say forever

Wherever you go
Whatever you do
I will be right here waiting for you
Whatever it takes
Or how my heart breaks
I will be right here waiting for you

I took for granted, all the times
That I thought would last somehow
I hear the laughter, I taste the tears
But I can't get near you now
Oh, can't you see it baby
You've got me going crazy

Repeat chorus

Iwonder how we can survive
This romance
But in the end if I'm with you
I'll take the chance

Oh, can't you see it baby
You've got me going crazy

Repeat chorus

-----------------------------

Another song for him. That him. If only he knows that I am still waiting for him... if only he knows that I will never stop waiting for him, will never stop thinking of him, will never stop .... loving him then... maybe... maybe...

It's alright. I will keep waiting, even though I know it will be futile, fruitless, meaningless, useless... I will be right here waiting for you.

Warmest Regards
Me

One of the most important ways to manifest integrity is to be loyal to those who are not present. In doing so, we build the trust of those who are present.

- Stephen Covey, 7 Habits of Highly Effective People

Hellish Week

2007-08-23T11:29:00.000+08:00

Hey, Dean.

And yes, everyone else, too.

Just feel like talking. Really talking. Not babbling, not gushing, not rambling. Not anything. Just feel like talking.

Wait... am I starting to babble, am I? Sorry...

Guess you can see how deeply troubled I am. Been so these few days... strangely troubled. Tired. Empty. Despaired. Like I am so tired of being strong, of staying tough, of fighting, of trying to stay positive when in reality my heart can only take so much. I feel like breaking down at times, or maybe even scream until i cannot scream anymore. The feeling is that bad... but I don't why I am still standing, still smiling, still struggling. Why? Beats me. I don't know. Maybe I need to carry on. Carry on... huh? Carry on what, though?

Marketing Plan finally done. Because it was done in a rush, I am not satisfied by it. I could have done better, do it better but time was really against me. Everything was cramming up, closing in, strangling me. Stress was sky-high, the worst I've ever felt in my life before. Glad it's over. But there is still one more part to do.... the damn Presentation Slides. Somehow need to get it done by next week, by next Mon or Tues and get the CD burned for that to be handed in to the teacher. (slumps wearily) Projects sucks big time.

And now, I am not feeling well. Even when I slept this morning, my eyes hurt, but I was so sleepy they drew shut again, but damn, they hurt. I hope the feeling will pass soon. Cannot deal with this weakness with so many things coming up.

Yeah, today I got ADN mock test. Guess what? Haven't revised anything yet. Gotta depend on what little of my knowledge of the module and luck to make it pass the test. Mock test, huh? My definition: A test that mocks my understanding of the subject. Well, it can mock all it wants. For now I don't care.

Haha, yesterday after that strenous ordeal in the hub in the bid to get the project done, me and a fellow councillor went to J8 to buy some gifts for my mortal (oh yes, the SC got this game going on. The Angel-Lite. I am the 'angel' of a 'mortal') and my mum. Her birthday's yesterday, but meeting her today. Thank goodness we are going to meet today. Missed her a lot.

Alright, people, Dean, I got to go. Class is starting, or maybe has already started. Sigh... even if I have more than enough time I won't be able to extend this entry further. My body and mind won't allow me so. So I guess, we meet another time?

Of course. That is a definite.

Warmest Regards

Me

I believe in an open mind, but not so open that your brains fall out.

Arthur Hays Sulzberger

Brains, like hearts, go where they are appreciated.

Robert S. McNamara (1916 - ), former U.S. Secretary of Defense

I'M SO BORED!!!

2007-08-17T10:14:00.000+08:00

Hey.

I am bored. Seriously. I have enough of facing the computer yet am reluctant to break away from its hypnotic hold. My body and eyes are literally screaming 'Hey, enough! Knock it off!" but somehow my butt refuses to move, my fingers won't stop typing and I am still BORED I feel like jumping up and scream until I cannot scream anymore. Chill, relax. Calm down. But heck, I am BORED!!

Pardon my language. Is a little harsh, rude I know but I think you should blame Dean. Yes, Dean. He and his 'wonderful' language never ceased to amaze me. No, I mean it. Wait, I did roll my eyes when I said that but then, I think I mean it. Hell, I don't even know what I am rambling about.

So tired... later after school I don't know what to do. Stay in Hub to do project. Crap, damn, project. (sighs wearily) I HATE projects. Hate it with a passion. Damn. If only my team members are more co-operative, more willing, more enthusiatic, more helpful... but just freaking forget it. I might as well wish for Mount Everest to come crashing down, right?

Haha, last night I had a lot of fun teasing my little sister. (She is NOT little, though) Calling her Sammy (grins) like Dean does to Sam... oh my god... and when she stumbled over a crack in the road she did not see and I casually asked, 'Hey, are you okay there, Sammy?' Then, when realizing how much Dean I sounded, I broke out laughing. Damn, it was a really good feeling. She muttered 'Shut up' and I laughed even harder. She sounded like Sam.

Don't look at me like that. I know I am nuts. (grins) Nuts about Dean. He is just gorgeous. I try divulging into his favorites... you know, M&Ms? And I put the picture of Dean sitting as my wallpaper so that whenever I switched on the computer he would be there, sitting, waiting, smiling. It is all I could do to stop myself from melting all the way to the floor! Dean, oh Dean, why must you be so damn good-looking?!

My brother was in a good mood recently. I don't know why. Most of the time he is usually pissed and annoyed and would snap at me and I would barely able to frame a scatching remark at him. But I am not complaining. Just wondering. And wondering is harmless.

Got to get away, before I fill up the entire entry muttering how bored I am, how gorgeous Dean is, and how nonsensical this whole entry is. I think you already had enough of my ramblings, right? Okay, I get your point. I am already on the way out, so hey, chill, will ya?

Sigh. Hope the day will be looking up soon.

Warmest regards

Me

Work saves us from three great evils: boredom, vice and need.

Voltaire (1694 - 1778), Candide, 1759

DEAN WINCHESTER!!! And A Whole Bunch of Other Stuff, too!

2007-08-14T08:13:00.000+08:00

Hehe, hello!!

Haha, look at this!! Look at HIM! Dean Winchester/Jensen Ackles is soooo gorgeous. Hot. Cool. And soooo... (sighs contentedly) whoa! (Damn, this is so embarrassing! (blushes) ) Just the type I dreamed of... so tall (well, not exactly), dark (not exactly, too) and handsome (ABSOLUTELY!) (laughs) He is my latest obession. Dammit, even now I can't stop blushing and grinning away and try NOT to melt under his intense, smouldering gaze while I get this done. My fellow friends will definitely think I'm way outta my head, and they are not far off. I am WAY outta my head over this guy.

(coughs) Ehem, anyway, there are a bunch others I wanna talk about too. Instead of gushing over this guy. Actually I can, and I will, but I guess I have to put this off first until I get the matter done. Now... what am I going to say?

Oh... I have finally gotten my hands on Harry Potter's last book, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, thanks to my best frie It is like, the BEST book of Harry Potter's books ever, apart from The Prisoner of Azkaban and the Goblet of Fire. I clean forgot what The Order of Phoenix and the Half Blood Prince are all about but I don't seem to care much. The last book was simply great! All the questions were aptly answered and it had a wonderful ending! Turns out that Snape loved Harry Potter. He only seemed to hate the boy because Harry reminded Snape of James Potter, the one who managed to win over Lily's affection. Snape was jealous of James, because he loved Lily. And all the while he was Dumbledore's undercover spy when he was under Voldermort. Aw, it is truly sad to see his demise. I liked him towards the end.

Several main characters died, too... Quite sad, really. I did not count on anyone dying but I guess that couldn't be helped. Casualties are all part of war. And Fred died... I can only imagine the
grief and pain George and Ron felt...

Hermione and Ron. They are good together... Harry and Ginny? They seems okay... All in all, the book ROCKS!! Way to go, Rowling! Glad you didn't kill off Harry. You will cause the whole world a lot of distress and yourself, too if you do that. Arthur Conan Doyle once killed off Sherlock Holmes in his last book but due to a lot of demand and pressures from everyone else, he revived Holmes. Then I heard that Agatha Cristie was murdered. Maybe because she killed off her character. (shrugs)

Another thing; when that time I watched NDP parade from my TV, (so sad, really) I was ALMOST moved to tears when I saw the Singapore spirit. Everything. I was touched. Then the old National Songs, my particular favorites ... man...

Happy belated birthday, Singapore!

Oh yeah, I got a Marketing Plan to do... (sighs tiredly) And it is due next week. As usual I am barely started, but already gotten the structure. Just need to fill up some holes, and put it into words and powepoint slides. Easier said than done. And that requires a LOT of effort... (mutters) As if I hadn't contribute enough already... I have contributed MORE than enough, MORE than I should. Believe me, I tried to urge myself to rely on my team members to play their part but time and again I decided against it. They couldn't be relied on, not at such a tight time like this. They couldn't be depended on. If I were to leave it to them, I may have needed to re-edit everything again. Why suffer so much? Might as well do it myself and declared it 'teamwork'.

I tried NOT to think that they are getting all the credit for the hard work I put in; it will just stir the anger that simmers within me. Besides, I ask them to leave it to me. Not their fault. They only listen to orders from their leader... But still...

Gotta rush. Class commencing soon. Oh, that is right! I've promised! Dean is the absolute perfection! He is such a wonderful brother to have! Sam is sure lucky to have someone like him as a sibling. Someone who is willing to do anything for him, for his safety. Someone whose world revolves only around his family and their safety. Someone who throws his own life and caution and dreams to the wind just for his family's well-being. Someone with simple wishes. Someone who is sooo... gorgeous! (laughs) There I go again...

Anyway, I've heard from here and there that Sam was John's favorite, but Sam doesn't like his father for all sorts of reasons too long to be stated here, and I have't got much time. Dean was the perfect son any father would love to have; blind obedience, strong, caring and all... yet, yet... Poor Dean. Even if doesn't symphatise with himself, I do. Deeply.

Alright, gotta go now. Already running late. Catch ya soon!

Warmest Regards

Me, a.k.a Estelle, Estelwen

We must learn to live together as brothers or perish together as fools.
Martin Luther King Jr.

(1929 - 1968), Speech at St. Louis, March 22, 1964

PS: YAY!!! DEAN WINCHESTER ROCKS ON!!!

MEIO. Many Entries in One.

2007-08-03T11:33:00.000+08:00

Hello.

Okay, this time i promise to finish up this entry, okay? And mind you, I am doing this in class. What to do? I am so bored, so restless, so hungry... figures... always start off with complaints. Don't mind them a single bit, would you?

Today I am sorta going out with a 'date' with a friend who is bringing in a friend that I don't know anything about. He says that this friend of his has interest in anime and Kingdom Hearts and Japanese, just like I do, and he figures it would be best to hook us up. (rolls eys) And that guy is 17, and I am what, 19? Hope he is a gentleman, or at least decent. Anything worse than that is a big no-no.

The meeting will be at 2.30pm today, at Junction 8's MacDonalds. Hmm, wonder how does he look like. Maybe we should just stay as friends. Can't have a relationship with someone I barely know. It is just me, I guess. But if he is handsome... heh, might give it a second thought. Kidding!

Speaking of today, today at the same time I have a meeting with MIC Studio meeting. Am backing out, though. Feel like I am not a part of the Teachers' Day Skit. Did not do the script and don't want to act. And they got all the cast members. I am just an extra and might be a hindrance. I hope they understand. It is not like I dont wanna help, but I feel like they somehow don't need me. Like I am not needed. And boy, that hurts.

Besides, I am involved in the Teachers' Day event. In organizing. Because I am in Projects Committee and it is our job to do Teachers' Day. And I am the Assistant Manager, so my role is pretty important, I think. Busy busy busy... not yet, but soon.

Yes! Tomorrow I am getting my money I have waited for so damn long! Already have plans on how to utilise it as efficiently as I can, which benefits everyone and myself, too. Am aiming that 2 GB (for me) and 1 GB (for my sister) Creative Zen Stone mp3. Gotta have that! It has been so damn long since music had been roaring in my ears, and my sister's. And I am a music person. Am hoping to be able to use it during the coming NAPFA test. Haha, then I can run with ease.

Oh yeah, and forgetting something important. My dad was involved in an accident some time back. On a Sunday. When he was heading home. When he almost reached home. When he swerved his motorcycle and a black car suddenly blocked his way. When my father lost control over his vehicle in an attempt to avoid crashing into another cat and he crashed into the road divider. Suffered a somewhat deep cut over his eye... (courtesy of the helmet which is supposed to protect) like a wedge had been taken out of him. So scary. And there was so much blood... on his undershirt, his helmet, his jacket, his motorcycle... even I who was strangely calm throughout the entire trip to the accident site felt tears pricking my eyes when I saw his condition. Right now, I shudder at the memory.

And damn, the hospital wait was soooo long! From 11am to 6pm. My sister went in with my dad in the... um, forgot what area while I waited restlessly, impatiently, worriedly outside. Even managed to take a nap on and off. Damn hospital...

My dad got a five days MC. Apart from that cut over his eye, he had bruised his knee, lacerated his arm and shoulder and suffered slight abrasion on his hand, thanks to his newly-made acquaintance with the road divider. Will have an appointment on August 6 and 10 to check on his eye.

And since then, my grandma stayed over in my place. She was not feeling well, anyway, and my father's brother is always away at work and she is afraid to stay in that house all alone at night, so she scooted over. Not that I mind. I don't. Don't get me wrong.

Sigh... during that whole incident I realized that my sister was closer to dad than I was. Which reminds me of Supernatural. Sam Winchester is a lot closer to his dad, John Winchester, than his older brother, Dean Winchester, is. Like me and my sis. Haha, it fits, somehow. I am Dean, and my sister is Sam. Haha. I love this. I love Dean. Promise will post up Dean's picture here for you to drool over... but just don't drool too much. (winks) Or I'll get really jealous.

Oh, and my friends are out in Batam today. So sad. Wish I had a passport so that I can go with them, and more importantly, to somewhere else other than Singapore. Hey, I love Singapore and all, but even the most patriotic person is bound to seek respite elsewhere first. And then again, absence make the heart go fonder, am I not correct?

And yes! My friend, thank you so much, had managed to get me most of the songs I wanted! I am soooo happy! I then had to trouble him again to find for songs I forgot to ask him that time. So embarrassing. (smiles sheepishly) But I am determined to get what I want, so yeah...

Hmmm... and what else? I think I ought to stop before I got waaay out of control. And I can't seem to recall what I want to convey here. I will make it up in another entry, okay? It is a promise!

Well, then, I better sign out. Take care, everyone. And have a good time!

Warmest regards
Me
a.k.a Estelwen, Estelle

Many of life's failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up.

Thomas A. Edison (1847 - 1931)

Last Week - In Brief (Or not)

2007-07-20T08:25:00.000+08:00

Hello, people.

I am so sorry for not updating for days! Maybe, weeks? Sigh... I'll let you know that this is my busiest week yet. I spent the first two days finishing up my ADN project... all of which I do it on my own. I just can't leave or rely my friends to do it. I know. I do not trust their capabilities other than my own. It's not like I don't want to... hell, I want to but... Never mind. It is hard for me to say it. Anyway, it's finally done, so there is no use for me to dwell on it, though maybe I should, for I am certain that there are more projects coming up...

On Tuesday, there was a MIC Studio meeting and pre- camp committee meeting. Both started at the same time, and both are equally important, so I did not know what to attend to first. I asked my fellow friend for advice, and she only confirmed on what I should do. So in the end I attended the MIC meeting first (turned out that I just sat there chatting with the EXCOs while waiting for the rest to arrive), then the camp debrief. Thank goodness it wasn't as difficult as I thought it would be. All because that particular person could not attend to gun us done. The SC EXCOs were great; they were gentle and not harsh. Still the atmosphere was tense, though it couldn't be helped. I was caught off guard because I couldn't expect to be the one taking down the minutes. So yeah....

I see I ought to end now and start a fresh new one. See? This is the problem with saving drafts and continuing it at a later date; I don't know how to continue.

Anyway, am really sorry for the late update.

Warmest regards

Teachers open the door. You enter by yourself.

Chinese Proverb

Welcoming Speech + Brief Updates

2007-07-09T11:38:00.000+08:00

Tadaima.
(I'm back)

It has been SO long since I last checked in. The holidays came rolling in and I was not able to use the net because my home is without one. Hence that is why you have not heard from me for so long.

Anyway, as you have noticed, I have changed my blogskin to that of my previous ones. With a few changes, of course. I'll be damned if I know what I put in my last skin. I am curious, did the skin turn out right?

Feel so listless now. So sleepy. Guess it always feels like this during the first day of school of the new semester. Kind of school blues, but I am sure to get over it soon. Hopefully.

Am really glad to be back in school after weeks of lazing around at home. (Even that alone was tiring) And can get to use the net, too. Free, but I am very frustrated that I cannot download songs here. Damn restrictions... There is still so many more I want to get in my grasp... Sigh, anyway, I supposed to be able to use it as per normal is good enough, right?

Went to Sentosa's Palawan Beach on Saturday, 07 /07/ 07. Haha. Nice date. And we had a lot of fun. I have forgotten how salty the sea is. And how good it was to be in the sea. And how hot the sun was glaring above you.

Sunday supposedly got to meet Zah for a usual girls' hangout at Lot 1, but was too knackered to go after that day at the beach. So sorry, Zah. Next week, I promise, if Luck is smiling on us. Am missing you a great deal.

Ah, yes. I have managed to post up a new fanfiction, Dynasty Warriors, The Song of the Stars in the midst of the holidays. Am now working on the sequel. Hope to get it done as soon as possible, among other things, so that I can quickly post it up and get it off my chest.

Hahja. Start playing Xenosaga III all over again. Got no other good games to play, so yeah. The game is still good, though! Miss my Jr.! He is still so cute! My Red Dragon.

Am not quite happy with the new skin. Still got to eidt here and there. I will find time to do it, I swear. I need this to look... flawless... even if the person is not.

I have to go. Don't wanna be late for class. Start of school, change of timetable, so yeah, a bit of miscommunication. School... what do you expect?

Until then, everyone. Take care.

Warmest Regards,

Me

To be alone is to be different, to be different is to be alone.

- Suzanne Gordon, Lonely in America, 1976

Sorry for the LATE update!

2007-06-13T16:58:00.000+08:00

Hello, everybody!

Sorry for the long absence! Been busy and distracted and all... ehem... and as you have already noticed, I have changed my blogskin yet again... And this is a temporary skin only... I am going to hunt for another one... one that is nice and dark and... This skin is okay, but too bright for my taste, so... hehe...

Missed me yet? I promise to post up a longer entry next time, with lots to tell, lots to complain, lots to say, and not necessarily in the order. Actually am rushing now... got some camp shopping to do with a best friend. And we are kinda (It is an understatement) late.

And speaking of camp, it is this Friday. Am part of the camp committee, so yeah, the camp gonna be a whole new angle to me. Instead of having fun, I will be helping stir up the fun. And will be having fun, too.

I am sleepy and hungry now. Serves me right for staying up til 1am to watch the Midnight Mania. Girl from Hell, and Witchhunter Robin. Girl From Hell is a little slow, but a plot has started to appear, however vaguely, and Witchhunter Robin... the lead character Robin Sena (Not Cena!) is very pretty. Only 16, can you believe it? And cool, too!

Haha! Have a great chat yesterday at Alamak Singapore Chat with my great pals DarKormissar, mashi, and a new pal too, MacJunkie. We chatted about a lot of things, and the best fun is when I kinda fought with an 'amusing' guy/girl/thing 520. Had a lot of fun, seriously, but too bad he ended the duel too quickly... (pouts) Then there was this once when I defended my friend and scolded the offending nuisance back in Malay and was summoned to Alamak Malay Chat and was unable to return to the main. I was so upset, but then remembered that I have an OP as a friend and quickly asked him to summon me back. He did, and I was overjoyed! Thank you! (winks) Good thing my charm had charmed an OP. (chuckles)

Anyway, gotta go! Have overstayed my welcome... Will be very late! Hope I didn't miss Conan on TV3 later at 7.30pm... Sigh...

And not forgetting, my eternal beloved Legolas! And yes, Nicholas Tse, too, I have not forgotten you! Miss you so much! Both of you are so.... gorgeous!!!

And Zah, you got a little something from me from M'sia? What is it? And why trouble yourself so much? But, whatever it is, I thank you so much! You will be always hold a special place in my heart reserved solely for you! Hope to see you again soon!

Warmest regards
Me

Always behave like a duck - keep calm and unruffled on the surface but paddle like the devil underneath.

Jacob Braude

Of Not Being Me and Friendships

2007-06-04T16:13:00.000+08:00

Mae govannen, mellyn.
(Well met, friends)

Actually, truthfully I have naught to tell. Just felt that I have to type something now that I am physically here. And maybe something will come out of this. Who knows? A writer such as I would surely have inspirations rolling to my fingertips, at one time or another. Would surely, huh? I must have forgotten to add 'uncertain' to the 'A writer such as I'.

Darn it. I cannot seem to stop sounding so formal. So... stiff. You have realized it, do you? I do not talk like this, but whenever I type something, in a chat or whatever, I tend to sound like this. Without meaning to. Even when I attempt to sound casual. Flippant. Me. Always end up in vain. Why? The answer is eluding my understanding.

Perhaps I read too much LOTR fanfiction, too much till I slip into their way of speaking whenever I am in the literal mode. Not verbal, fortunately... but to my horror, it is slowly picking up. I hope it will never fully catch up to me, because I will probably sound like a freak by then. And I will have someone to blame for that. A lot of someones, in fact.

So tired, and even though I do not wish to admit it, I am silently worrying. My project proposal deadline is due 3 days from now, and guess what? I have not done a single thing yet. Tried, but it is a futile attempt. I have no idea on how to begin. Yes, I am a writer, but my talent lies not in this area. It only lies in fictionous writing, fanfiction writing, to be accurate. Damn. Now I got to be disciplined enough to get working on that accursed project and get it over and done with. Humph, easier said than done! Writer's block is not easy to overcome, ya know?

Am so drained, now. Wish I can go back home and sleep... but I pity my (not even mine) rabbits. So dreadfully skinny... I want to buy them their food later... but aw, shucks. Monday the shop is closed. So... it might be postponed to tomorrow? Wed? I am sorry, dear rabbits. Please hang on a little longer.

So thirsty. Want to gobble lots of drinks... hmm... gassy icy ones would be nice. Really nice. I am not one to drink plain water. I do not know why. Not my favorite, I guess. But if there is no other alternatives, plain water would be fine. But as long as I am able to, I will avoid plain water at all possible costs.

Ah yes, my bestest mellon (friend) gave me the nicest of slingbag! I love it so much! Thank you, Zah! I will treasure it as I will my precious stuff, and will treasure our friendship like I treasure my life. Like what Legolas said in My Immortal in Chapter 2, ".... Our friendship is not as immortal as elves, as me, but as eternal as time. Time will not die.”

Yes, friendships, one that is sowed from the heart and showered with love, understanding and warmth, are immortal. Eternal as time. Time will not die, so will the essence of friendship.

Speaking of best friends, these are the ones who deserve that highest, most hottest recognition of all:

Nurfarizah
Hafizah
Charmaine

Though in my perception Hafizah is a little of Farizah's double. (grins) They are alike in so many ways, like liking Doraemon, for instance. And look at their last name. Zah. (chuckles)

Okay. I guess I better take my leave. It is 5.00pm now. Damn... don't wanna think of that stupid proposal... so idiotic... but what can I do? Sigh... anyway, tonight I MUST get on to it.

Hannon le, mellyn.

Namarie.

Warmest regards
Me

True friends are those who really know you but love you anyway.

--Edna Buchanan

Yesterday.

2007-05-30T10:15:00.000+08:00

Mae govannen, mellyn.
(Well met, friends)

Yes, I know. Been away for a long time.... Guess it can't be helped. In the midst of fighting bouts of illness, weakness, discomfort, weariness... and in the midst of excitement of producing more oneshots of fanfictions from different category, ooh, also in the midst of chatting up with nice friends, mainly DarKommissar, Chironex, mashi... whenever I can.... You got it right. In other words... I was DISTRACTED. To the point I just closed off the blogger New Post window without actually written anything inside.

So much had been going on since I last posted an entry... and that was eons ago. So now I have difficulty recallin the 'so much' that had been going on'. Maybe I just zoom in straight to the events that occur during the last few days, yes? And of course, in no chronological order. This is dictated as the thoughts flowed through my fingers.

Yesterday was my birthday. One of the best I had ever had in my entire life. Blushing in embarrassment when the whole council sang the birthday song, and my committee sang in again... is an exprience that might be the last....My two best friends gave me presents, which I will hold dear. And in the camp committee meeting they sang me the birthday song again and presented me a birthday cake. I preferred chocolate, though... but... a cake was still a cake. Thank you, everyone. It was indeed, a birthday to be remembered by.

Because of this, I took an AL to meet my mum in CityHall during her lunch hour. Was really happy to see her again. Had a bit of cough, but she was fine, I sure hope so. She gave me 5 Detective Conan books, a cute Garfield keychain... and a beautiful Columbian rose. Yes, a rose. Cost 8 bucks a stalk, and she bought me one. Told me to keep it in an air-con room, to dry it as it should be more beautiful when dried. But it was still embarrassing, though. To carry that flower the whole way from CityHall back to Bishan... I could not help but wonder of what would the people be thinking. She treated me to a meal in BK... honestly BK is not that delicious, not at all. I could not even finished the meal.

I miss her alot. I hope we can be united again one day.

Oh yes, back to the meeting. Let me skip the part of the birthday thingie... so embarrassing... Luckily they didn't sabo me or something... Haha... I hugged my cute teddy cat Blue Eyes the entire meeting. It was good to have a presence that was brought from home. Ehem... now where was I? Yes, the meeting. I was mildly (mildly was an understatement, actually) pissed off by... a certain someone there. Always made so much noise when she didn't even attend the previous meetings in the first place yet had the CHEEK to make so many comments and critiques. I could barely hold myself back. Any more nonsense for her I will swear to let my ugly side show. She shot down suggestions made, and we argued for a moment. It was fun, in the perverse sense. I finally relented but not really giving up on my idea, afterwhich I smugly insisted that the campers would not fall. She did not even look at me. Hah! All the better if she hates me. Makes things so much easier.

If I were to go on about her, it would take pages. So let's just leave at this.

After the meeting, I asked my other close friend, Hafizah to accompany me to buy a new pair of black court shoes. In the end there were three of us went there... look at shoes and stopped by at Best Denki to buy Hafi's mum a pair of earpiece. Then Hidayah bade us farewell... In return for her kind gesture, I accompanied her eat at Macdonalds. Hehe... I ate a meal there, too. McSpicy EVM. My favorite. BK for lunch, McDonalds for dinner. Fantastic. Anyway, we chatted about a bunch of stuff, mostly about the camp committee and the camp meetings. Had fun.

Then at home, I discovered that my little, annoying brother had knocked my sister's specs off her face and cracked one of the lenses. Poor thing, but was comforted by the knowledge that she would be getting a brand new specs. Haha... good for her!

I will be very brief from now on, because I am actually VERY late for lesson and still have so much more to write.

Today will be going to the library to help a friend borrow a book. Will be going out with the same friend on Sat to celebrate my birthday. Maybe go to Woodlands Causeway Point.

My Immortal, that story, had received 6 positive, encouraging reviews. So excited! Didn't expect that story to be so well-received! Yay, well-done, Legolas, Aragorn! The credit is yours!

Alright, time for me to go!

Hannon le! Namarie!

Warmest regards
Me

What greater thing is there for two human souls than to feel that they are joined... to strengthen each other... to be one with each other in silent unspeakable memories.

George Eliot (1819 - 1880)

Short Update

2007-05-23T14:24:00.000+08:00

Hello.

Hehe... I am doing Student Hub duty right now... but then again, I am good at multi-tasking. Ehem, real good. It is quite cold but so far, bearable. My head is throbbing, which I guess from either sleepiness or exhaustion, or maybe cold. Doesn't matter.

What miffed me off was that I couldn't, and don't bother to keep my eyes open throughout the last lesson of the day. So sleepy. Even more sleepier than what I have ever felt in days. So tired. Wish I can curl in a corner and sleep for a week straight. Yeah, I wish!

Yay! I am determined to make the Guitar Hero songs MINE! Found one in a website, Carry on Wayward Son, but haven't download yet. Perhaps later. (winks)

Anyway, continue some other time, okie? Until then, take care!

Warmest Regards
Me

Walking in a dark with a friend is better than walking alone in the light

--Helen Keller--

I am Back!

2007-05-22T14:05:00.000+08:00

Hey, how is everyone?

For me, I am fine. I apologise for not updating my blog for weeks. Reasons? Simple. Lazy, distracted. Way distracted. No idea I am so obessed with Fanfiction.

Oooh, yes, I am still very much alive and typing, thank you very much. For asking and for not asking.

Hmm... this few weeks gonna be quite (quite is an understatement) busy for me. Sigh... I have a drama workshop to attend, every Friday from 2.00pm to 5.30pm starting this week until June 15, and yes, so that means I have to miss the camp meeting my kind camp chief decides to hold on Fri. Humph, what coincidence. And also, June 15 is also the 1st day of the camp. Meaning I got to miss the first half of the camp. Great. Really great.

Speaking of camp, my sis will be off to her own camp this Wednesday till Friday. Will be lonely without her by my side... Really... will miss her a lot. Hope she will feel the same way... Probably not. She will be having so much fun (or not) with her peers and the activities lay out for her.

And oh yes, I am in a tight spot right now. Financially. I need money to pay this and top-up that... So sianz... Just this week I used my $10 to pay for the stupid workshop and will probably use another $10 to top up my EzLink, and if I am very disciplined, I might have used the remaining $5 to pay the camp fees. But I gave in to my troublesome hunger and now intend to use that remaining $5 to last for the whole damn week. Hopefully I can. See? This is how I lose weight. (rolls eyes) Yeah, right. As if I care about my figure. I am happy enough with my figure as it is. Besides, the cafeteria is much too far, and the food is unappetising. More reasons to starve myself.

Ah, yes. Mentioned that I am totally obessed with Legolas right now. Can't keep the grin off my face whenever I think about him.

Legolas: Please do leave me out of this.

Me: Shut up. I will deal with you later.

Legolas: (sweatdrops)

And right now I am working on my LOTR fanfiction. Working on Chapter 2. Actually pretty lazy to even work on it... heh, but the thought of people out there waiting for the damn chapter, might as well open up the doc and start typing. Now halfway done.

Legolas: You sure do love to put me and Aragorn in such an ... angsty spot, do you?

Me: (smirks) Uh, well... my mood happen to be rather angsty at the moment. And it is my first LOTR fic!

Legolas: (sighs) And it is a great way to start, too.

Me: Hah, thank you.

Legolas: At least I should be grateful that you do not 'torture' me or Aragorn.

Me: I am grateful to myself too. But maybe, perhaps...

Legolas: Do not even think of it!

Me: (smirks)

Anyway, (shoots Legolas a whitering look and dares him to interrupt again) I have to submit a project proposal soon, on the 7th of June. And guess what? I haven't start working on it. Got the ideas all set, but have not quite put them into words. Really ironic. I am a writer and cannot put things into words. Go figure.

Have trimmed my hair shorter than the original length. Even with some fringe. Got some trouble tying up the newly-trimmed hair but I managed, though. Thought you wanna know, Zah!

Anyway, gotta go. Getting cold in here... and have a card to top-up.

Until then, hannon-le. (thank you)

Naamarie. (farewell)

Warmest regards
Me

While one person hesitates because he feels inferior, the other is busy making mistakes and becoming superior.

Henry C. Link

The Past Returns to Haunt Me

2007-05-03T09:59:00.000+08:00

Hi, morning everyone.
It is good to be back.

Actually pretty lazy to update blog, and pretty tired, too. Very sleepy. Last night I was supposed to sleep at 1am after watching Midnight Mania, and was barely sleeping when my father entered my room with two girls. Our neighbour's daughters. He took them in when he found out that they ran away from home due to stress and family problems and misunderstandings and conflicts. And he almost beat up those tattooed guys who were found to be in the company of those girls.

I sleepily arranged for them to sleep on my bed and my father brought in a mattress for the other girl and I climbed up to sleep next to my sister, in a single bed, mind you. (Hehe.. At least I could get my arms around her... so warm... ) Anyway, I tried to go back to sleep but couldn't. Eyelids were heavy, and my head was throbbing with fatique and sleepiness but somehow I could not fall asleep. So I just covered most of my face under my small pillow and couldn't help listening in as my father gave them a lecture.

It was strange... It almost felt like I was yanked back into my past, whereby I, too, faced with similar situations. Having parents that won't understand me while I tried my best to understand them. No fair. Then having your parents to accuse you of something you didn't do, blame you for everything that did not happen their way, badmouth you AND exaggerate your weaknesses... yeah, c'mon, I know all that. I have been there, done that. I have exprienced all that before, so of course I know how they feel. Really know. I feel pity for them. Really I did.

Unlike me who had no courage to run away from home, they did. I was surprised by their boldness, but could not fault them. Still... running awaty from home isn't the best of solutions. Will not make things right. Will not solve the problems. Will just make it worse. A lot worse.

Guess I will stop here. My head has already begun to start throbbing.

Until then.

Warmest regards
Me

...obstacles do not exist to be surrendered to, but only to be broken.

Adolf Hitler (1889 - 1945), Mein Kampf

Quick Update! It's True!

2007-04-27T16:17:00.000+08:00

Hello, minna-san!

It is very cold, and body is giving involuntary tiny shivers and my head is pounding. Badly. To make it worse, the rain is battering really hard outside. Sure, I like the rain... but it did not help at all that walking in the rain would be enough to make me feel very cold on a normal rainy day. To walk in the said rain (not yet) and already is cold has been a very bad idea.

Anyway, putting that aside. I actually have good news to tell. (skips around happily) I can't believe it! I actually managed to complete a LOTR fanfiction entitled 'My Immortal' in a day and without drafts! Yippee! Another is going to come up, hopefully soon. I want to see how the reviews are coming in. I do hope I will get good reviews... Ah, yes, while I am at it, I have put the link of the story in the 'Linkie' page. Do check it out and leave a review, please? Hannon le!

Tomorrow ia going to be a long day. Has a Special Olympics event going on in my school. Got to help out (no choice given, even if it is, I know what to choose!) Special Olympics, in which the intellectually disabled will play soccer. Yes, you heard right. That is why it is called 'Special'

I hope I won't miss Prince who turns into a Frog. I don't want to miss my two handsomes!

Alright, I got to go! The lab is closing in 5 minutes time, so see ya!

Warmest regard
Me

Adversity does teach who your real friends are.

Lois McMaster Bujold, A Civil Campaign, 1999

Elusive MP3 Songs

2007-04-26T10:55:00.000+08:00

Hi.

Will be brief. Lesson's gonna start soon, so here I go.

These songs are on my Most Wanted List:

----------------------------

Samurai 7 - Unlimited by Nanase Aikawa

Sonic X Opening theme - Gotta Go Fast

Totally Spies Opening theme

TMNT Opening theme

Teen Titans Opening/Ending theme

Gransazers Ending theme

---------------------------

Well, actually I have more but...

Anyway, I have the 1st song in my hand... just look at the ETC section in here. There's a miniplayer of that song. I know... it took awhile for the song to load but... just listen to the song! I love it! So sad, touching even though I don't understand one bit. So near yet so damn far! How can I download it?!

I can find the others easily, so it is okay. I will search for them later. Sigh... doesn't matter. I will NOT give up until I have the song in my hand. For real. Only then I can lean back and rest and celebrate my success.

Ah, yes, while I am at it... do you know any websites that I can download any of these songs? For free, of course? I really appreciate your help. Even if you won't tell me, I will search for them myself.

Okay, gotta go!

We'll meet again! Promise!

Hannon le.

Warmest regards
Me

Failure will never overtake me if my determination to succeed is strong enough.

Og Mandino (1923 - 1996)

Treasure my Heart

2007-04-19T13:28:00.000+08:00

Hello, konnichiwa, minna-san!

Good to see you again. Good to be back. I have promised, didn't I? Wait, before I went on I have a really nice poem to share. It's cute, it's sweet and touching... Here goes:-

---------------------------------

Treasure my Heart
(Taken from Treasure my Heart,
by Gingivere the Shadowreaver)

'What had happened to the Rose I left you
You seem to not recall that night
Did it die away, as most roses do?
Or is it there, locked up tight?

You can forgot the one who loved you so dear
Loved you enough to give you the necklace and rose
But do not forget, for I made it so very clear

That the chain of love, those silver beads
And that lovely rose I sent to you
That night we last met; I looked to you on the steed
It was love I sent to you, my love was very true

We were young, as most lovers take flight
I simply called you Lady, as you called my Yi
Lady, my Lady, I cannot forget that rainy night
I gave you my heart, and you kissed me

Lady Qiao, Da Qiao, you gave your heart away
To Sun Ce, for I regret now is dead
He deserved it more than I, so you say
I do not cry, for no tears can be shed

For you found love in your heart so bright
To give my gift to him, from me
Now I ask to take your own into my heart tonight
From Lu Xun, from Lu Yi...

---------------------------------------

So how is it? Sweet and sad, isn't it? Heh, don't worry Lu Xun, should you give me your love I will hold on to it until the end of time and beyond. (sighs dreamily) And I will NOT give you back.

Lu Xun: Err, your compassion is appreciated, but it is not necessary... It is just a story...

Me: Doesn't matter. My love for you is real!

Lu Xun: (sweatdrops) Er... surely you don't mean that?

Me: Don't bet on it! (sternly)

Lu Xun: But I thought you are head over heels over... Legolas?

Me: Ah, yes! And I love you both!

Legolas: Hey, do not drag me into this.

Me: Legolas!! (rush over and give him a tight hug) Miss you so much!

Legolas: (grunts) Get off me... I can't... breathe...

Me: (lets go) Aww... no fun at all... who ask you to be so gorgeous in the first place anyway?

Legolas: I do not ask for this.

Lu Xun: Neither do I.

Me: Whatever... anyway, just step aside. I have to work on my blog!

Lu Xun: You are doing fine... until that paragraph after the poem...

Me: Hey, stop that. I know when to stop. Besides, I wouldn't be sidetracked if you hadn't interfere. Now where was I?

Legolas: I believe you are about to write something about Treasure my Heart...

Me: Hey, that's right! Hannon le, Legolas! And a bunch of other stuff, too.

Legolas: (blinks) You speak elven tongue?

Me: I wish! Maybe you can teach me? (looks at him hopefully)

Legolas: Perhaps... but you are going to continue with your... blog, are you not?

Me: (slaps forehead) Argh, that's right. Damn, stop interrupting me. I need to get started!

Lu Xun & Legolas: My apologies.

Me: (shakes head) Not necessary. Now shoo! I'll be back soon!

--------------------------------------

Haha! That is truly unexpected. I am not counting on the emergence of a skit, but it did. Jess is going to be happy that she has managed to rub some of her vibes on me. Though, it may seem that I am... not sane. You think that, don't you? Don't worry... you are not that far from through. Like what I have said in my previous entries, I have my insanity moments... and it happens to be, oh, half a minute ago.

Treasure my Heart. Chronicles of the Heart. How ironic. Uh, never mind. Heart is a fragile thing. Seems so strong yet so fragile. Look at the scientific point of view. The heart, yes, our organ that pumps blood around our body, is susceptible to diseases, fatal and not. And the heart, the poetic version of it, is also fragile. Fill it with too much darkness, hatred, despair and anger, it will shatter. Followed by your soul. Or both can shatter all at once, and once they do, you are nothing more than a human deprived of sanity. Dakara, so that's why I pour most of my troubles here. In the Chronicles of the Heart. Because I treasure my heart. And you should do the same, too.

Dammit... actually I want to convey something else, but this crops out. What can I do? Just let it flow through my fingers and here it is. Maybe I will write whatever I intentionally want to write on my next entry. Which will be next week.

Hannon le.

Warmest regard

Me

The face is the mirror of the mind, and eyes without speaking confess the secrets of the heart.

Saint Jerome (374 AD - 419 AD)

Blogskin Headache

2007-04-18T15:08:00.000+08:00

Hello...

(stretches whole body like a cat after its nap) Yawn, I am so tired! I worked on my friend's blogskin and love the way it turns out, and it took me only an hour... but my blog... okay, it's quite done... but not perfectly. I don't like it! I want it to be perfect... but tried hard as I might I just not able to do it... Dammit... Just look at the font... fine, I can increase it a little... but just look at the poem.. I want it NOT to be bold... excluding the title, but I don't know how... And it's ugly... I don't like it. Not at all...

Please remind me how difficult it is to change a blogskin. (shakes head ruefully) At least, to my expectation... Life no fair... how I wish I have someone who knows his way around blogskins. (grumbles)

But I gotta admit, I love the blogskin. It's beautiful. I like the water fairy... (looks like an elf) Elf... huh? She reminds me of Legolas... Heh, he is an elf, too. A really handsome elf prince... Ehem... sorry, didn't mean to get sidetracked. Anyway... blue against black, my favorite color against my favorite color... Nothing is better than this...

Sigh, I know there is a lot, yes, A LOT, of beautiful blogskins out there waiting to catch my eyes. I wish to try each and every single one of them but look! A single blogskin can give me a massive headache... As soon as I perfect this blogskin I will NOT replace with a new one unless I have truly nothing better to do...

Doesn't matter. I will continue to try make this blogskin right. Until I am satisfied with the overall. I will not give up! For I believe that the blogskin reflets who the owner is, like a mirror.
Argh... damn my perfectionism attidude...

Am leaving soon. Got to head over to Bishan MRT Station to top-up both my Ez-link and my sister's. And when I get home, will try to catch some sleep.

Okay, thanks for tolerating my nonsense, but I really got to go. We will meet again, soon. Very soon. I will see to that.

Hannon le! (Thank you)

Warmest regard

Me

Stubbornness is also determination. It's simply a matter of shifting from "won't power" to "will power."

Peter McWilliams, Life 101

Of Holidays, BLAZE and Handsome Actors

2007-04-16T13:53:00.000+08:00

Hello, everyone, I'm finally back.

Miss me? Yes, Zah, I'm sure you do. I miss you too. I miss penning out my whims and whines and complains here, I miss sighing and grumbling and reminiscing, I miss everything about my blog. Yes, it is this place where I pour out all that needed to be poured out so that it will not fester in my heart.

Ehem... a little sentimental today, aren't we? What? Okay, my bad. It's just me. Hehe... Whatever, though... Let's get on with it.

Holidays finally over. You know, it is quite a dilemma. While I am welcoming the new term of school, I, too, despair the gone holidays. Interesting, huh? Yet not surprising. When in school we yearn for the holidays, and when the holidays come we desperately hope for the school to be reopened soon. Typical of us human, and typical of us students. What more can I say?

Hmm... during the vacations I had attended a Student Leadership Programme Blaze 1 and 2 for 5 days from 9.00am to 5.30pm. Yes, long hours, depending on how the theory went. Hai, it was quite fun, interesting, enriching, boring all at once and by now I know what is the qualities of a great leader by my fingertips. Huh, as if I don't know them in the first place. Oh yeah, the food was great! I enjoyed the food very much! I think I am going to miss the food. (smirks) And yes, there are quite a lot of dashing guys too! LOL.

On the last two days, I got the chance to really, I mean really, talk, with a particulay guy. He's quite a nice and decent guy, and to my greatest surprise, and his, too, we share a lot of same interests. Love anime, watch Midnight Animania in Arts Central, love Japanese songs, love Malay jiwang songs, love to sing, have crushes since 7+ years ago, doing household chores, and others that I can't recall... Damn... interesting, is it not? And for just two days, you know... Well, we do message each other a lot... sending cute messages (rolls eyes and shakes head) Ah, never mind...

Oh yes! I love the Taiwanese drama that is broadcasted every Saturday on Channel U at 5.00pm to 7.00pm. Title: The Prince who turns into a Frog. Hah! Sounds like a fairytale, does it? And the story is awesome. Funny, sad all the same. And with TWO handsome guys! San Jun Hao and Zu Zhiqian (Did I get the name right?) They are so gorgeous! But alas, if they are to put Nicholas Tse there... (sighs dreamily) I will definitely choose him! He is just way so gorgeous!

And that reminds me. I watched New Police Story last Sunday, and yes, I practically drooled over Nicholas! Oh... why must he be so darn handsome?! I guess I have a weakness for guys with soft, short, neat hairstyles, piercing eyes... (sighs and blushes) and maybe guys with shoulder-length hair that is neither too girly nor too ugly.... Aw, shucks... and most of my guys mentioned are all Chinese! Heh... not that I am looking down on my fellow Malay guys... but Zah... I think you know what I mean. (winks) It just that... they don't have the... um... well... the... X-Factor, I guess. (smirks)

Haha. There I go again. Gushing over guys. (chuckles) But I am just a girl... so excuse me for being so girly. (winks)

Alrightey. That should be enough for now! Catch ya later!

True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked.

---Erich Segal

It is better to be hated for what you are than to be loved for what you are not.

---Andre Gide (1869 - 1951)

Hannon le (Thank you, in elf language)

Pointless Babblings

2007-03-19T14:55:00.000+08:00

Hello...
Tadaima, minna-san!

Hehe... I'm back, everyone. Missed me? Doubt it. Oh well, I feel like blogging anyway... hmm, let's see... so many things to complain about... now where to start?

This week is so hot! So humid, I can't stand it! Even with the fan in maximum power is not able to chill the air. I hate it when it is too hot, and hate it when it is too cold. I wish that it would not be so hot... Damn...

Yes, damn... my gold chain is broke... and if my father knows it I will be as good as dead. I love the Kingdom Hearts necklace bearing the keyblade amulet... so elegant, so cool... I hope he will like it too... yeah, right, fat chance.

I am determined to finish my long-abandoned fanfic Behind these Amber Eyes by the time the school reopens again. Just a little more... but with this stupid writer's block it does seem like I have a loooong way to go. No fair. Once I can overcome that minor little detail I can work on the rest of the fic without hiccups. And then I can ask my friend to post it on the net, and wohoo! One fic down, and many more to go.

Getting cold now... but once I get out of this room I will start to sweat alomst immediately. Yes, the weather is that humid. So troublesome...

Finally... finished the script for Orientation Skit. Phew. Attended a meeting in the hope they said something about the script... but sadly, they didn't. Just discuss about who to act what, and the rehearsal dates. That's all. (read: It's boring) So in the end I left the meeting feeling strangely dejected. Sigh... Hope the skit turns out as good as the script. It is MY script they are acting on, so they damn well must make it real good.

Want to get a new mp3. A good one. One that will not disappoint. One that will last. And I want to get another one for my sister, too. And have to repair the gold chain. Maybe get a new computer, or at least repair the old one. Damn... if only money will fall from the sky... Yes, I know... fat hope. But it never hurts to hope, right? Even for the impossible.

Am sprouting nonsense, I know. See nothing wrong with it. Each one of us has our own moments of insanity, and mine happen to be right now. Bored out of my mind now that the school vacations are here... but when it opens again I will grumble of how much to do... Really... humans are like that. And I am a human, so excuse me.

Alright. I think I gotta sign off. If Fate will we will meet again. And hopefully, I will be able to make some sense.

Okay, see you soon!

Warmest regard
Me

To err is human. To forgive, divine.

- A quote from To Err is Human, a LOTR fanfiction. Gotta find out who the author is.

Carry On Wayward Son - Kansas

2007-03-14T15:55:00.000+08:00

Hello!

Last entry for today. About a song I admired. View the lyrics. They are beautiful, I'll tell ya. Downright took my breath away. See the lyrics, and if you know the song, sing along.

Here goes:

------------------------------

Carry on Wayward Son
Kansas

Chorus:
Carry on my wayward son
For there'll be peace when you are done
Lay your weary head to rest
Now don't you cry no more

Once I rose above the noise and confusion
Just to get a glimpse beyond this illusion
I was soaring ever higher, but I flew too high
Though my eyes could see I still was a blind man
Though my mind could think I still was a madman
I hear the voices when I'm dreamin'
I can hear them say

Chorus

Masquerading as a man with a reason
My charade is the event of the season
And if I claim to be a wise man, it surely means that I don't know
On a stormy sea of moving emotion
Tossed about, I'm like a ship on the ocean
I set a course for winds of fortune,
but I hear the voices say

Chorus

Carry on, you will always remember
Carry on, nothing equals the splendor
Now your life's no longer empty
Surely heaven waits for you

Chorus

-----------------------

Nice, isn't it? I came across this song while playing Guitar Hero II. Fell in love with it at the first introduction.

Going to stay a Medium, never again I will go to Hard, much less an Expert. Hate those extra button, the torturous X. I am comfortable enough with Green, Red, Yellow and Blue, meaning L2, L1, R2 and R1.

In that game I love Shout at the Devil, Sweet Child O' Mine, Carry on Wayward Son, Beast and the Harlot, Jessica, Gemini, Jordan... That's all I can think for now...

Anyway, thanks! Be seeing you again soon!

Warmest regards
Me

Promote yourself, but do not demote another.

-- Israel Salanter

Exhaustion

2007-03-14T15:08:00.000+08:00

Hello...

I am positively exhausted. Being in this room from 8.30am till now, about almost 4.oopm, wow, I have faced the computer for 7 and a half hours straight! Damn... what a feat...

Glad the script is over and done with, finally. Just wait for the teachers-in-charge to give comments and such. And will do the final editing after that.

Events Management paper is tough. I know I write nothing but nonsense in there... I hope that somehow I do manage to pass the paper, then my project will help pull the grades up a bit. Serves me right for barely revising, because if I revised, it wouldn't be so damn tough...

Tomorrow is Tourism Products and Services paper. Yes, will do another final last-minute revision and hope I can do the paper without flinching. Then, hooray... I can relax for awhile. And focus on my fanfiction... Damn... abandoned them long enough already... I am itching to complete Behind these Amber Eyes and post it on FF.Net... but still got a tad long way to go...

This entry gonna be short. Told ya I was exhausted. Maybe I will return tomorrow for a post. Maybe not. Not promising anything.

Okay, signing off now. See you soon, and take care.'

Warmest regards
Me

The greatest conflicts are not between two people but between one person and himself.

-- Garth Brooks, Country Music

THE LIGHT WITHIN THE DARKNESS

2007-03-12T16:45:00.000+08:00

My life had not been smooth-sailing from the start, but back then I was too young to notice anything. When my parents were teetering on the edge of divorce, I was only vaguely aware of the approaching storm but again, I was ignorant of the warning.

Maybe that was why there was an absence of sorrow in my heart. Just confusion, and that confusion mounted higher still when my father announced that he would take another woman to be his wife. To replace my mother. The very same one that caused my parents’ permanent separation. I took one look at her and my entire body seized with paralyzing fear.

That gleam of dark excitement in her eyes.

That twisted smirk of menace on her lips.

That silent promise of violence and unending torment.

My heart thundered in my chest with unparallel fear. What was this feeling? As I watched her kiss my father’s hand at the proclamation of them being an official husband and wife, I knew then, that somehow my fate was sealed.

Few weeks following, she was incredibly kind and loving. Almost like my mother. All my needs were catered to without questions, my fears and doubts were being tended to… I was led to wonder if that premonition was just a figment of my imagination.

It was not. I was wrong. Very wrong.

That was years later, as soon as I was able to think for myself and see things through my own eyes. With a start I realized that her motherly nature was an act all along. An act so smooth, a pretense so realistic, I was not expecting it at all. Now that she knew that I knew, her true intention began rearing its ugly head, and from that moment on, my world spiraled deeper into the darkness.

She was no longer the person I knew. In fact, maybe I did not know her at all to begin with. She was a monster, hiding behind the façade of an angel. A monster that looked down at me with such a sinister gleam in its eyes and a horrendous smirk on its lips I was, again, frozen with senseless fear. Apparently, I was in for a nightmarish life darker and scarier than I had braced myself for.

She took delight watching me suffer, relished the pain and despair she had brought on me and did not hesitate to treat me like her own person stress-relief toy. She somehow made it her mission to make my life miserable, because she never failed to find fault with me, to accuse me for things I did not do and blame me for everything that did and did not happen.

“Why?” I had asked her then. Tears of hate clouded my vision but my voice somehow` managed to sound even, even though I could not hide the rage from dripping off that one syllable.

“Because you look like your mother,” she had simply replied.

Her answer hit me hard. What kind of reason was that? She treated me like dirt just because I reminded her of my mother?

The sun had stopped shining its rays of warmth, then. It scurried to hide behind dense, dark thunderclouds of despair as winds of rage lashed out at the already choppy sea of remorse. I was falling. Drowning. Suffocating.

Thoughts of suicide had been tempting. There was no room in my heart for any more pain. No place in my soul for any more torment. Why should I live with the agony when I can just die and leave it all behind? If I die, would my family and my friends cry? Would they even care? Or would they trample on my grave and party?

In that interminable instant I knew I did not want to die. I realized that I did not want to give them the satisfaction. Not yet. Besides, the thought of swallowing poison, thrusting a knife into myself and plunging to my death was frightening enough. Yes, I am a coward, but that is not the point.

A life had been breathed into me, and it is not my right to snuff it away, even though the life is mine. Nevertheless I have the right to choose the path for my future, one that I believe to hold the happiness I have longed for. Even though many more pains await me in my journey to my own future, I will grit my teeth and take everything that Fate hurls at me in stride. Never will I scurry back into the shadows and whimper with fear. Like I once did. I am not a naïve young child like I once was.

Suicide? If I could kick myself I would have done so, and viciously. Why must I be so foolish? If suicide is the solution of all problems and the end of all pains the world will be without humans by now. That goes to say that suicide is not the answer for everything. All problems have their own solutions, suicide not being one of them. If I search hard enough I will be able to find them just fine. Should life be too much for me to handle, I have my family and friends to fall back on. If there is a need I will withdraw into myself for a temporary respite until I am brave enough to face the reality again.

Now that the monster had been banished from my life and though my father has married another one, the thunderclouds had drifted away and the winds had died down. The sun has returned to shine its rays, filling my heart with a new warmth. I could still feel traces of despair but they are mild now. I am much stronger now, and I will walk on the path I chose with my head held high, refusing to be deterred or daunted by the oncoming obstacles.

I have done it, and will do it again.

And if I can do it, so can you.

Right?

---------------------------------------

PS: Works with 2 drafts for this one. I think I like this one better. (grins)

Warmest regard
Me

Do not remove a fly from your friend's forehead with a hatchet.

- Chinese Proverb

REGRET

2007-03-12T16:42:00.000+08:00

“Regret” in Longman Active Study Dictionary, means “to feel sorry about something you have done and wish you have not done it”. However, in my personal inner dictionary the meaning will go like this: “to feel sorry, and extremely so, about something you have not done and wish you have done it”. In other words, regret could also mean “a golden and rare opportunity missed and probably will not return because you have not seen it nor made a grab of it even though it is dancing tauntingly right in front of you”.

Trust me. I have known this feeling called ‘regret’ intimately, and though I have several regrets – yes, every one of us has a couple of things to regret about – there is one particular regret that has been festering my heart for eight years. One that I cannot get rid of so easily. One that exists, thanks to my stupidity and naivety.

It had been eight years, since I was Primary 6, but I remembered the incident clearly as if it happened only yesterday. There was a good-looking boy in my Mother Tongue class, and he was the most good-looking guys among his group of good-looking friends, but back then I was too naïve to be affected by his charms. We got along really well; joking with each other, comparing exam results, caring for each other and creating uproar in the lesson. It was truly memorable, and the memory makes me smile everytime it surfaces to my mind’s eye.

Then one day one of my friends decided to ask me “Hey, Nadia, do you like him?” That question was like a bombshell being dropped with enough force to rock my world. Suddenly, my eyes became clear, and the mist that surrounded my head vanished completely as I realized, yes, I liked him. I liked him so, very, very much. If I could kick myself I would. Why could I not see earlier how really gorgeous he was?

Since then things had been different. At least for me. I could not look straight into his eyes without having to blush furiously. It was extremely difficult for me to maintain a cool composure while talking to him when my heart was thundering inside my chest. I could feel myself turning as red as tomato at the mere sight of him, the mere mention of his name and the mere sound of his voice. I knew I was head over heels about him, and up till now I have no idea how I managed to not make a fool out of myself in front of him.

Maybe I did. Maybe he just did not say anything. I did not know if there was rumors of me liking him going around in my school, and if there were, I wondered if he heard it or not. If he did, I wondered how he would react. If he did, I was lucky that he did not shun me and shut me out. I was lucky he still treated me as his friend.

This is how the regret came about. It was almost approaching the last few days of our primary school life. I had pondered, had contemplated on asking him for his contact number in the hopes of keeping in touch with him. Heck, I even thought of confessing to him. The moment never did come, though. Whenever I tried to convey my question, my mind blanked out and I ended up stuttering something else instead. So that was why up till now I have no idea where he is, and who is he with. Thanks to my hesitation and absurdity. Serves me right.

As the punishment I endure memories of him haunting my dreams and even in waking moments. At times when I am lost in thought, his memory would sometimes appear. I can still see his face, his sparkling eyes and cheeky grin. I can still hear echoes of his laughter resonating in my head. They are mocking me; mocking the despair, emptiness, loneliness and regret that nestled in my soul. Laughing at my foolishness. I could only close my eyes and let him laugh, because I know, that I do not have to suffer this agony if only I have told him how I felt towards him.

Despite the suffocating regret, I can still feel the warmth of hope. The belief that someday, somehow, I will see him again. The silent vow that if I finally do, I will not be a fool like I once was. I will tell him the truth, make sure he knows. I do not care if he does not return my affections because I will be comforted by the knowledge that he knows that I like him more that I do to a friend.

So what have I learned? When the opportunity arises, do not hesitate. Grab it and make full use of it because as soon as it is gone, it is gone for good. Never to reappear, unless Fate wills it to.

In another word, if you like someone, you must go ahead and make your feelings known. Quickly, before you might never see him again. Before he is taken. Then you do not have to experience the agony that I have felt due to my hesitation.

----------------------------------------

PS: Was done in quite a rush... hope it turns out well in your eyes.

Warmest regards
Me

I don't meet competition
I crush it

-unknown

Just Babbling

2007-03-12T10:34:00.000+08:00

Hello, people!

Guess what is the first thing I'm gonna say? Well, I'm hungry! Very hungry, very sleepy. Glad that BZC Exam is over, though. One down, two more to go...

Quite hard, even for me, the exam it is. Made quite a lot of mistakes, good thing I have correction liquid. Saves my hide, I daresay. Some of it are easy, though. Maybe the careless mistakes I made and corrected make it seemes harder than it looks. Thank god it is all over now, though not completely....

There has been something I want to rant about. I hate singing reality TV shows! There are just too many of them! In Malaysia particularly! Gangstarz, Mentor, Celebriteen... Damn! Why worship singing? Is singing the only way to make money? Or is there too few singers?! Or they have no other shows to put on? Then might as well don't! Don't ruin the goodness of TV with this junk! Dammit!

In fact I am starting to hate reality TV shows...

But I am glad, today. Tonight there is going to be my Nicholas on TV. Starring in the Moving Target... I think it's him... I can't be sure... but I can recognise those sharp eyes and handsome fringe... Must be him!

(frowns) My father was mad at me yesterday... for not answering his calls... I mean, damn. I put my handphone in silent mode because I'm afraid I might not hear it if it rang (yes, I can be quite deaf sometimes) and I still could not feel it vibrating when it is in silent mode, too distracted in me talking with my sister. Duh! He should have guessed that I was late going back home because I was fetching my sister from her school! He didn't and get riled up at me. No fair.

(shakes head) Dammit. Never mind.

I'm tired and I'm sleepy. Gonna head for home soon. Not before buying some toiletries. Now that the school is still opening Student Hub up till this week, I will make full use of it, because I might not have the chance to use it when the school closes... damn...

I'll be back tomorrow with longer entries. Promise... I think...

Anyway, I'll be posting the essays for my Inspirational Competition right after this. Yep, there's two. One is called "The Light within the Darkness" and the other "Regret". Enjoy, and do tag me on the comments on the essay, okay?

Thanks!

Warmest regards
Me

PS: I know... there's a lot of 'damn' and 'dammit' here.... can't help it...

You can cover a great deal of country in books.

-- Andrew Lang

Holidays Coming Up! and Some Pointless Musings

2007-03-09T10:26:00.000+08:00

So why am I dreading it?

Oh, hi! Sorry... just writing a response to the title... Yeah, holidays are coming right up, so why am I dreading it?

A part of me doesn't. A few stressful weeks in school are enough for someone like me, and I have no wish to do anything that gotta do with school and catch up with things at home. Like rest. And tidying up my room. And helping out in the household chores. Ah, typical me. Always trying to be a housewife when there is already one and when I am not even married yet. Heck, doesn't have a boyfriend then wanna talk about marriage... what is going on with me? Yep, definitely needs to loosen up and stay away from school!

The other part does dread the oncoming holidays. I can survive, in fact, look forward for school because I can surf the net -mostly read fanfiction- email and update blog. That's all. That's my only motivation to go to school. Holidays mean school closes. And when school closes, even when it's open during the holidays, the Student Hub won't be open, and even if it does, I can't go. In other words, holidays means that I'm grounded from internet. Sucks, right? Damn straight!

I was so damn tired last night. Attended the 1000 PeaceWomen thingy at SMU at 7.30pm, yes, I stayed in school till 6.30pm before we headed there. Yeah, like I have any choice staying there! Anyway, by the time I reached home was 10.30pm. I only had the energy to change clothes, eat, watched Arts Central Animania till 12am, then fell into a dead sleep soon after that. Still so tired. (sigh heavily) Wanna crawl in one corner and sleep for weeks!

Yeah, as if. I have exams next week, and hope that I will be disciplined and determined enough to start revising. Perhaps on weekends onwards. Got to revise, since the teachers have warned us that the exams gonna be really hard. I hope not to hard for me to handle... Still, can't count on my intelligence and luck to pass. I might not be that clever afterall, and my luck might not be always there, too. That's why I got to study, no matter what!

Today, huh? Now I am kinda multi-tasking. At one point of time I am typing this, then the other, typing another essay for the competition. In between I will read my favorite LOTR, involving mainly Aragorn and Leogolas fanfiction while trying desperately trying to ignore the clawing hunger in my stomach. Damn. And I need to rush because there are people to see, places to go... Sigh...

Maybe I have to buy 2 new MP3s soon... one for me, (I want 1GB!), and the other for my sister. Even her mp3 is going haywire. Makes me seethe in anger and frustration most of the time. Damn MP3. Dammit...

Oh yes, I have developed a new idea for that Legolas and Lu Xun story I've mentioned in my last entry. I have absently drafted it out, and it is now um, 8 pages long. Wow... can't believe I have achieved such a feat in such a short time. Maybe it IS going to be a story afterall. Another long one. One that I can post on the FF.Net. Maybe 2 years from now. Heh. (grins)

Oh yeah, that idea. Lu Xun (got to think of a better name to suit the story...) is from the Far Earth, right? Yeah, he rescued Legolas and Aragorn from the blizzard and blah, blah blah. While recuperating in the cave, Aragorn queired him on his past. He revealed that his mother was an Elf, and his father, human. Don't look at me like that! It just came about so suddenly, and I am truly excited by it! I am thinking that Lu Xun's mum, Alfina, is King Thranduil's (Legolas's adar, um, father) sister, who had ran away from Mirkwood with her love, a human and together they escaped to Far Earth. Hah! Imagine the shock of the King of Mirkwood! Can't wait to get to that part! So Lu Xun is now half-human, half-elf. I know, that doesn't exist, but it do, in my imagination, and that is what writing is all about, doesn't it? Unleash your imagination, free your soul. I like that!

Speaking of writing, now I am officially (or so I thought) the script-writer for MIC Studio... Got to draft several scripts for the coming orientation... Damn... Hope I can do it in this stressful week, amongst studying for exams and all that. Today I also hope to confront Miss Tay to consult her about my ideas. I need her, um, opinion, yes, that's it, before I can happily proceed to pen out the scripts. Damn, serve me right. I have asked for this anyway... Can't back out now...

Hmm... what else? I guess this is it, then. Until next time, mellon-nin (my friend)...
(smirks) Guess I've been reading too much LOTR fanfiction.

Warmest regards
Me

The bitterest tears shed over graves are for words left unsaid and deeds left undone.

-- Harriet Beecher Stowe

Pointless Randomness

2007-03-05T15:50:00.000+08:00

Hello, everyone.
Glad I'm back.

Actually to be honest I was typing an entry, but got so wrapped up in reading the LOTR, yes, Lord of the Rings, fanfiction I just clicked the window close, so now, thanks to me, I got to retype this all over again.

Oh yes. You must have noticed and are wondering why I am suddenly interested in that years-old movie. Truth to tell, I don't know either! All I know is, all of sudden my passion for Legolas flare. And I can't help thinking... how him and Lu Xun are very much alike. Um, not exactly appearance-wise, but both are damn good in archery and both wields twin swords, though in Lu Xun's case it's twin sabers. Both are polite, both are stubborn, both are warriors and both are cute! Heh!

Well, I fantansize them meeting each other, and how Lu Xun's skills caught even Legolas off-guard he was numerously mistaken for an elf when he was obviously not. In my imagination, if's there Middle Earth, there is also such place as the Far Earth. Haha... it is just barely an idea. Haven't thought of forming a story with it yet. Or ever. To start a story, I need to have the background information on what I will be working on. Then... it will be with substance. I also don't want to offend others with my lack of research, or wrong information because they know a lot more than I do.

Dammit, great time to be hungry. And I am wracked with coughing fits every now and then. I hate coughing. I hate cold. I hate fever. I hate hunger. Yes, there's no need to remind that I am a human, even moreso there's no need to remind me that I am weak. Yes, and that goes to say I hate feeling weak. I know I am weak, hey all humans are, but I am NOT that weak!

I am feeling better than last week. Definitely better. My projects are done and over with, except for one which I will be presenting on Wed, but that's easy so it's not counted. My stress are practically over! Yes, practically. You heard it right. I still have my exams, you know, and you don't even need to guess that I haven't started a revision on any subject yet. Just my luck the exams for my batch is super hard, that's what the lecturers are repeating. Have me worried. Hope I can do well for my modules. With last-minute revisions and what left of my luck in my inner storehouse. Please. Not gonna count on luck. Got to count on everything I have and the efficiency of my mind.

This week gonna be a little busy. There's an event coming up on 8th March about the 1000 Woman's Peace Across the Globe or something in SMU... just wanna know how to get there... I know it's in Singapore, thank you. And then on the 12 March or something... there is another event but I forget what and exactly when. Haha... my bad... my brain seems to be working ever so slowly after my bouts of fever...

Hmm, what else?

(snaps fingers) A-ha! Mustn't forget! This Friday I got to submit the Essay... Sad to say that I only have enough time to do one... Hope it is well... good enough to the eyes of my teachers... Most importantly... I do hope it inspires others... that is what Inspirational Essay Competition is all about. Still working on the drafts... hope it doesn't get too long...

Exams next week, and holidays the week after next. As much as I want the hols to come, I dread it, because that will mean that I will be 'grounded' of the Internet because there is no Net in my home, much less a working computer! Sob... Sigh... Damn...

That reminds me. I got to email my hopeless little friend, oh yes you, JrTheRedDragon, or FullmetalDragon or whatever... hey, I've been waiting for your email but it never did come! You better send me one before the holidays, you hear?!

Well, bet she doesn't. Gotta email her later. Or tomorrow.

I had resolved to end every entry from now with a quote. Hope I will stick by it... Sigh...Oh, the quote doesn't have to go with what I write for my entries, so don't worry.

Okay, gotta go. Legolas is waiting for me! Lu Xun's too! Oh, and Zhou Yu... hey, isn't that Ling Tong?! Oh my god, Jr. too?!

Ehem... see you guys tomorrow! It's a promise!

Warmest regards
Me

The mind is a fire to be kindled, not a vessel to be filled.
Patriach

Of Fever, Tight Schedule and So Little Time...

2007-02-28T11:54:00.000+08:00

Hello, everyone...

Man... Great time for me to be falling ill... when I still have so much to do... Not fair!

Last night I should be able to stay back to finish up on my projects, but I was shivering so badly I had no choice but to pack up and go. Slight pain accompanied my every step, and my limbs ached. My breathing was harsh, as I mentally cursed everything under the sun for putting me in such a troublesome condition.

I can't depend my friends to do the projects, because they won't do it the way I would like them to do... And even if they did, I still have to edit it for them. So... it is best if I do it myself. Besides they look like they are not interested, and I can't leave such important task to be done by someone like them, now can I?

Now I am feeling a little better. Not as bad as yesterday, but my throat is very bitter, and the aches in my limbs are back. The headache has backed off a bit now, but will probably return with vengeance. And no, I will avoid to swallow Panadol at all costs! Why must medicine be so damn bitter? I almost gag swallowing it, and it did not make me feel any better...

Thank goodness I have completed my damned TPS Powerpoint slides... now all that remains is for me to present it. Have no speeches in mind... will definitely ramble what I thought fits to the topic. No time for preparation. In fact, there is no time for anything else!

After the presentation, which is today, uh-huh, very soon, I can happily declare "One project down!" and then sigh "And many more to go". Tomorrow I got to present an Event Management powerpoint slides on T-Nets Sports Fiesta, and guess what? I haven't start anything yet! Damn, damn, damn!

Then on this Friday, the EVM report has to be submitted. Got most of them transferred on MS Word... then all that remains is to print them out and compile them. Then, yes, another project down.

Today I have to attend a Story-writing talk at 2.15pm, yes, in the middle of my BZC lesson and ends at 3.30pm. I plan to take AL because I don't think I can endure the lesson any longer... not in my weakened condition.

Tomorrow, on Thursday, there's a NYAA dinner with the old folks. Gee, I hope I was well enough to help out and stay back... If not, I can always back out... I hope...

Then on this Friday, I can get to watch Titoudao! Yay! Can't wait!

Alright... Gotta go. TPS lesson will start soon. And yes, my presentation of the project I just completed will begin shortly. Sucks, isn't it?

Oh yeah, next week I have to submit an essay for the competition, then on the next week after the next week I will be sitting for examinations. Yeah, spot-on. I haven't start on my revision yet. Soon, I hope. Sigh...

Okay... see you soon!

Random Thoughts

2007-02-26T12:39:00.000+08:00

Hi, there...

Yeah, I'm back, but in no better mood.

I hate February. And the first week of March. When I reach school all that are waiting impatiently for me are work, work, work. So much things to be done yet so little time! When the hell can i take a breather? No, doesn't seem like it will be anytime soon...

I hate Malaysia. No offense, but really, I hate Malaysia. Fancy cancelling out my anxiously-waiting programme just to accomodate stupid reality shows! Not fair! It has been two, three weeks already! I missed Bleach for two weeks! Dammit, Malaysia! It is bad enough you cancelled out M.A.R to air That's So Raven, yeah, I am still seething about it... now you give all kinds of lame excuses to delay Bleach! Grr...! I hate you! And will forever do!

This hate goes out to all the politicians of Malaysia, yeah, I hate them! Don't know why... just don't like the look of their faces... make me wanna gag. Big time. And this hate also goes out to each and every single Malaysian individuals who hurt, rob, injured, whatever to my fellow Singaporeans. Don't worry... the rest who I never mentioned, I never hate you guys.

Ehem... excuse me. Don't mean to get way off point... but (shrugs) it happens...

Anyway...

I did not come to school last Thursday. Nor did I attend the SC Camp. (holds up a finger) Yeah, wait up, I know, so let me speak, okay? My stepmum had just given birth to an adorable baby boy... which my father named 'Gusti'. A name which, when translated means, 'Boxing' or 'Wrestling'. Don't ask me why he named him that. But... it is unique, don't you think?

Boy... I was really exhausted back then. Handling the household... yes, cooking, cleaning, tidy up the rooms, is no easy feat. Especially babysitting. It requires a lot of patience and effort, which, in my exhausted condition, are close to none. And I did all that immediately after rushing home from school. I've never felt so tired before.... And they haven taken their toll on me now...

Oh yeah, this morning, my world is oddly silent. My sister needs her mp3, back, so I reluctantly returned it to her. Yes, mark that, reluctantly. It isn't mine, I know, but I've grown quite attached to it. Or rather, the songs inside. I can listen to the same set of songs again and again without getting bored. Oh yes I can. Can you? I bet not.

Alright. Lemme sign off. Can't think of anything to write.

See ya!

PS: I hope you can read the lyrics of the song on the previous entry. It is untidy, I know... but to hell with it.

BOA Every Heart, Original English, Edited, Japanese

2007-02-21T11:14:00.000+08:00

Hello, true to word, I'm back.

Right, Aisha, this is the Japanese turned English song, Every Heart by BOA. This is the lyrics of the song... sing along if you like... Here it is!

---------------------------------------

Every Heart - BOA
~minna no kimochi~ (english ver)

Lyric: Natsumi Watanabe
Music: BOUNCEBACK

Tell me babe, how many do I shed my tears?
Every HeartEvery Heart is not a gentle yet

Shall I do?I can never say my loneliness
Every Heart doesn't know so what to say oh what to do

Iwas afraid of darkness cause I felt that I was left alone
So I prayed for help to the distant million stars

Round & round the planets revolve round the sun
And we always seek after love and peace forever more
Growing growing woe baby we can work it out
Look up at the sky every heart is shining all today

Show me now, What kind of smile do I come across
Every heart every heart can take a step towards the dreams
All of us what to take a lasting happiness
Whenever you feel sad, I wanna hold you & give you a sound sleep

Someday every hearts gonna free and easy
We have peace of mind
Someday all the people find the way to love

Goes & goes the time goes on we are not alone
We live on together and we will find some precious things
Sometime we will smile sometime we will cry somehow
Don't forget believing yourself - Tomorrow's never die

There is the warm heart places on my mind
In my earlist day's there and it's so sweetT
here are many stars they have talk with me so kind
They say yes always time's friend of mine so shine

Round & Round the planets revolve round the sun
And we always week after love and peace forever more
Growing growing woe baby we can work it out
Look at the sky every heart is shining all today

Goes & goes the time goes on we are not alone
We live on together and we will find some precious things
Sometime we will smile sometime we will cry somehow
Don't forget believing yourself - Tomorrow's never die

----------------------------------

Haha... Look at the verses... the English is haywire, isn't it? I prefer the Japanese version, and I can sing it quite well. Utada Hikaru is also a Japanese singer. She also has English versions of her Japanese songs, like First Love, Sanctuary, Simple and Clean and they are excellent, I tell ya! I love them!

Anyway, forget about that. This is MY edited version of the lyrics. You will find it better, and a little bit different, without disturbing the music... I think....

So here goes!

----------------------------------

Every Heart ~minna no kimochi~ (english ver)
Specially Edited
Lyric: Natsumi Watanabe
Music: BOUNCEBACK

Tell me dear, how many times do I shed my tears?
Every Heart Every Heart has not been tamed yet

What shall I do?I can never reveal my loneliness
Every Heart I don't know what to say and what to do

I was afraid of darkness coz I felt that I was left alone
So I prayed for help to the distant million stars

Round & round the planets revolve round the sun
And we have always been seeking for love and peace everyday
Growing growing woe baby we can work it out
Look up at the sky every heart is shining brightly tonight

Show me now, What kind of smiles do I come across
Every heart every heart can work towards their dreams
All of us knows how to look for a lasting happiness
Whenever you feel sad, I wanna hold you & chase your tears away

Someday every hearts gonna be free and easy
and we can have peace of mind
Someday everyone will find a way to love

Goes & goes the time goes on we are not alone
We live on together and we will find eternal happiness
Sometimes we will smile sometimes we will break down and cry
Don't forget to believe in yourself - Tomorrow will come again

There is a warm feeling in my heart
I still remembered it and it's so sweet
The stars in the nightsky, they have talked with me so kind
They say yes, time has always been a friend of mine so shine

Round & Round the planets revolve round the sun
And we have always been seeking for love and peace everyday
Growing growing woe baby we can work it out
Look up at the sky every heart is shining brightly tonight

Goes & goes the time goes on we are not alone
We live on together and we will find eternal happiness
Sometime we will smile sometime we will break down and cry
Don't forget to believe in yourself - Tomorrow will come again

-----------------------------------------

There. Better, isn't it? The edited phrases are the italics ones (Duh!) Editing lyrics is harder than I have expected, so please excuse me if the lyrics edited is worse than the original. Anyhow, though I am proud of my efforts, I will review it and will try make it even better. One day. Will be easier to sing if there is no vocal... I tend to follow the original lyrics rather than the edited one.

Tag me okay? Tell me what do you think of the edited lyrics.

As a bonus, this is the Japanese lyrics for the Japanese version of the song. Presenting to you:

-------------------------------------

Every Heart
Japanese Version
BOA

Ikutsu namida o nagashitara
Every Heart sunao ni nareru darou
Dare ni omoi wo tsutaetara
Every Heart kokoro mitasareru no darou

Nagai nagai yoru ni obieteita
Tooi hoshi ni inotteta
Meguru meguru toki no naka de
Bokutachi wa ai o sagashiteiru
Tsuyoku tsuyoku naritai karaKyou mo takai sora miageteiru

Donna egao ni deaetara
Every Heart yume ni fumidaseru no
Hito wa kanashimi no mukou ni
Every Heart shiawase ukabete nemuru

Itsuka itsuka subete no tamashii ga
Yasuraka ni nareru you ni

Meguru meguru toki no naka de
Bokutachi wa ikite nanika wo shiru
Toki ni warai sukoshi naite
Kyou mo mata arukitsuzukete yuku

Osanai kioku no katasumi ni
Atataka na basho ga aru so sweet
Hoshi tachi ga hanasu mirai wa
Itsumo kagayaite ita so shine

Meguru meguru toki no naka de
Bokutachi wa ai wo sagashite iru
Tsuyoku tsuyoku naritai kara
Kyou mo takai sora miagete iru

Meguru meguru toki no naka de
Bokutachi wa ikite nanika wo shiru
Toki ni warai sukoshi naite
Kyou mo mata arukitsuzukete yuku

-----------------------------------------

I am running late for my class! Thank you so much!

See you soon!

Busy, Busy, Busy

2007-02-21T09:53:00.000+08:00

Hey, yeah, good to see you again.
And good to be back.

Firstly, I would like to take my hat off to those who had kindly reviewed my blog. I hope in one way or another that you are not offended with my err... use of language. I don't know how many people have read my entries, or if there's any at all... but doesn't matter. Keep on reading, keep on tagging. No one's stopping you... no one, not even me.

Anyway, let's get on with it.

SC Camp is approaching fast, and I am the reluctant leader of my own little group. There's so much to do, and so little time, dammit! One project down, more coming up... When will it ever end?

Projects after projects, events after events, courses after courses, activities after activities... please, I really need a break. My brain is turning into a blob at the thought of oncoming work. At home, yes, I seem free but when I'm in school the reality that I have lots to do come crashing back.

It's alright, I hope. I will take everything in stride. And I WILL. It is unlike me to get worried on things I can jolly well handle. I also fervently hope that when my projects are over, it will mean a deserving respite. Somehow, it's like wishing for a red moon to appear on a night sky. Yeah, like that would happen...

Exams coming soon, sometime in March... soon after I believed I should have completed what I should have completed. More stress. It's a miracle my hair doesn't turn white with all the stress... and like an idiot I am I didn'y let it show... except here.

Let me list the things I ought to do for this week and the next:

This week:
- Performance for the camp
- An interview for Student Seminar, which is tomorrow.
- Rigel (group's name) meeting
- Attending the camp
- Maybe attending the Chingay

Next week:
- Editing TPS Presentation slides
- Type an essay for the Inspirational Essay Competition
- Attend a Story-writing Talk on 28th Feb in the Auditorium
- Read, revise and edit orientation skit
- Attend the Titoudao play, if confirmed.

See? So much things to do, so little time...

Okay, I got another entry to post. It's an separate issue from this one, so get ready for more.

Warmest Regards
Me

7 Entries in 1!!

2007-02-06T13:18:00.000+08:00

Hi, afternoon, people!

I might sound cheery, but the fact is, I'm tired, sleepy and hungry. Yeah, I know you have seen this whine in many of my entries... What? Don't look at me like that! I can't help it. I am tired and sleepy and hungry by the time I am typing this... So I'll just tell you what I am feeling now. What is that? You rather not I don't tell? Haha... Too bad... It is not for you to decide. I can write what I want when I want, so give it up, okay?

This is new. Since my entry is going to be long, I will break it off with sections, so you can just choose to read what you want to read. And this entry is a mixture of Happy Nadia and Dark Nadia, so yeah, bear with it.

Psst: This gonna be my longest entry yet! Prepare yourself!

--------------
New Songs
--------------

First off, I am really happy. I am not jumping for joy now, but will probably smile like crazy later. Yay! I managed to get Braveheart from Shaman King and uh... what was that called... oh yeah... Barairo No Sekai from Getbackers! Yay! I'm so smart! Can't believe I'm so smart! Haha! And as you have also noticed, I've changed the background music to well, Braveheart. Tell me if you like it or still prefer the original, very slow song. How to tell me? Well, tag me! Like duh...

-----------------------
Rabbits Lost & Found!
-----------------------

And horray! (Still too hungry to jump for joy) Guess what?! I've found my rabbits! I mean, me and my sister had found my rabbits! It was quite sudden, really... Me and my sis went out to run errands for our stepmum and also to look around the Pasar Malam, funfair whatever you called it when my sis suddenly received a call. She said our neighbour had spotted the rabbits, so we ditched our errand and hurried to the place with all possible speed.

It was quite dark, and I was the first one to spot the rabbits. Their cage was covered with rags and slippers and their litter tray was, gross, so filthy! My sister was a little afraid, but I just went ahead and dumped those trash on the ground and proceeded to throw the eeky stuff on the tray into the nearest trashcan. Because it was so gross (eew!) I was not able to stuff the soiled newspaper into the trashcan's mouth, so I let it fall to the ground. Then me and my sis each carried a side of the cage and hurried off back home.

Upon reaching home we hastily cleaned the rabbits' cage. I changed the soiled newspaper, changed the drinking water and refilled the food. Thank goodness the rabbits are perfectly okay. Cute and white and fluffy as before. Now, every night I have an extra work to do: Chaining the cage up, on top of the usual routine of the above. Man... But it's okay. I'm glad the rabbits're back. Syukur Alhamdulillah! I am still angry at the culprits, though. Should I meet them, they would wish they had never crossed my path!

-----------------------
Detective Conan - Lies
-----------------------

Yay! I have successfully completed the oneshot and my friend had successfully help me post it up on Fanfiction.Net. And almost immediately I received a really lightening review, then the day after, that is today, I got two more positive reviews! Yay! I am so happy! Will continue working on more fictions to post on Net! And thank you so much, Zah, for helping me!

--------------------------
The Trip to Chinatown
and What Happened Next
--------------------------

I went to Chinatown last Friday, as you all know. The trip was quite boring, minus the old buildings and all. It was hot, because it was like in the early afternoon, and crowded, because it was lunchtime and working adults were heading for lunch, and there were just too many people tagging along for this trip, so most of the time I frowned.

We were dismissed really early, in fact, earlier than expected, so I decided to isolate myself from my friends to take a look around the bazaar. Wrong choice. Quite boring. And when I wanted to get to the MRT, I realized that I was lost somehow. Determined to maintain a cool composure, I kept on walking, never once hesitating or stopping, much less asked for directions. So I walked and walked, ignoring my aching feet until I reached -you know where?- Tanjong Pagar MRT Station. Damn... That's quite far, but as long as I reached a MRT station, it's fine with me.

Then I headed for Toa Payoh to buy a handphone charm. A black heart, which went well with my black Samsung phone. Too bad, though, my dear, cute little brother Alif tore it off, so my hp is heartless now. (grins)

After that I headed straight for Geylang to meet my other best friend from the SC, Hafizah. I bought some ointments in a shop my friend reccommended me, and a kilo of small, cute oranges. In return for her accompanying me (I asked her in the first place) I accompanied her to go Hougang Mall. We searched for her Nokia housing case, and finally found it at the central, not in the mall. (roll eyes). Initially she wanted to buy a sleeping mat, but Hougang Mall doesn't have Sports Connections or something like that, so well, we sorta cancelled it. We plan to go look for it this Friday, I think.

Which goes to day... the trip after the trip to Chinatown was fun!

------------
Classmates
------------

I am, was, positively annoyed with some of my classmates. What do I look like to them? A stationery loan store? A foolscap paper loaner? Heck, a sweets giver? Damn, if they asked me once or twice it's perfectly fine... but time again and again? Even my patience has its limit! Once there's this guy Fernandez asked me for a piece of paper, I gave him a dark glare and snapped, "No!" Really... this is getting on my nerves!

Then there's Sean. He is annoying. Nice guy, but annoying. I had returned from buying some items from the school's garage sales with two plastic bags when he remarked "Gone shopping, is it?" I was tired and sleepy and my head felt so heavy and pounding I glared at him and snarled "Yes. Shopping. Unlike you, I didn't buy a $300 jacket!" With that I stormed out of the room, ignoring the questions from my other classmates. Damn, that felt really good! I really wanted to snap at someone for a long time already. Serve him right!

--------------------
Hate at First Sight
--------------------

If there's love at first sight, there must be hate at first sight. I'm sure you immediately don't like some people even though you have just seen them for the very first time! Up to the point that whenver you see them you want to smash their faces into a nearby wall. But you didn't, because you restrain yourself from doing that. If there are no such thing as laws I would have done it. Really! I don't like some of my classmates for this reason. I know this is unfair and unreasonable but... I can't help it! And there are some in the SC, too, that I disliked. Even more so when their attitude is ... (shakes head) Damn... I won't tell who. So yeah...

----------------
Busy February
----------------

Man... this month is really busy for me. And I gotta lots to do and complete. First, there's TPS project, which actually needs to be submitted this Wed but my fellow classmates insisted that the deadline is Friday next week, so maybe tomorrow I'll focus on it again. Then this Thursday I gotta present a speech in my Public Speaking course. And damn... I haven't prepared a single thing. So much for Prepare, Practice and Present. I really ought to do it tomorrow if I don't want to embarrass myself in front of the class. Oh... speaking of which, next Monday, 12 Feb or so I gotta present an oral presentation for BZC, on personal topic. Damn again... And yes, you are right. I haven't even started. Again, tomorrow. I hope! I know. Last minute work... but doing things last minute seems to work fine with me. (shurgs) Even revision. I hope Lady Luck is with me again this time... else I'll be in deep trouble and you can happily said "Serve you right!"

Later on at the end of this month SC will be having its camp for the graduates and the newcomers. To be exact, it will be on 23rd and 24th. 2 days 1 night camp. Then on the same dates actually there is a kayaking expedition, which I really wanna go! But on 24th night there will be Chingay... I wanna go coz I got the tickets... Damn... And during that time, my stepmum is due to give birth. Argh, dammit... So many things happen at once! How am I going to cope? Either deal with one or ditch all. Bad timing. Bad timing! Why? Why? Why?

--------------------------
--------------------------

Well, I guess I better sign off now. I can continue tomorrow if there is something I have left out here, or if something new pops out.

Until then, take care!
And thanks for reading!

Quick Updates

2007-02-02T10:47:00.000+08:00

Hey, guys...

I only got a moment, so I'll be brief, so here I go.

I have finally completed one of my oneshots. Detective Conan. Lies. Yeah. Completed quite hastily, because I thought I could quickly post up in Fanfiction.Net, but oh, well... too bad. Damn computer. Ending's quite crappy though. Not even sure if it went well with the fic. No matter. I hope on Monday in the midst of doing my projects, I can email the fic to my friend and ask her to post it up on the website on my behalf. Yeah, that's it.

Speaking of fics, I have gotten my teacher (not exactly my teacher but... still a teacher and soon becoming my favorite) to read and review my stories that I've posted up on the net, which I hope she does. I'm sure she will not disappoint me. Yay! Thank you so much.

My shoulders, especially the right one, are aching mercilessly today. Serves me right. I ignored the warning bells of the sharp pain screaming in the shoulder and went on sleeping and now it hurts. And I am hungry. Don't feel like eating. Maybe later.

I'm going to Chinatown soon, at about 11.30am, together with my classmates and students of TPS. Yeah, hooray. I've never been to Chinatown before, so I'm a little excited. Yes, you read that right. A little. I'm still too wiped out to be actually aware of what is going on. Non-tired me would be literally jumping up and down with a grin huge enough to split my face into half. And yes, I've never been to Chinatown before. Or some other places in Singapore. Say what you want. I am not as fortunate as you people, okay? Happy?

Oh yeah, after this I'm going to Geylang. Got stuff to buy. Am bringing my other friend along. So yeah... gonna be quite a long day today but what the heck. Tomorrow's the start of the weekend.

Things gonna get real busy next week. I've been planning to participate as the NDP motivator but... it's only a plan... not confirmed yet. Then on Mon till Wed I have to really concentrate on completing my projects, now that I have the materials. Um... what else? The 15th Exco of the SC is planning - yes, planning, not confirmed yet- to make me the Asistant Manager of my committee, the Projets Committee. Yeah, another hooray. Even if it is confirmed that I am the AM, and that would mean that I can go to the Leadership Programme, I sure hope I can shoulder the responsibilty. Hell, my right one is already aching, but it's okay. I will take whatever thrown my way in stride.

I will be going to Chingay this month. Yay! Hey, Zah, if you are reading this, I got an extra ticket to give away. Do you want to come along? Please? I sure hope you can! It will be fun! My sister will be with me, too!

Chingay, huh? I've never been to one before, so I AM excited. But there's SC camp on 23rd to 24th Feb... You can imagine how tired I will be...

Okay.. gotta go. So much for a brief entry. However this must be my fastest entry... I have never typed so fast before...

Whatever. I'm hungry. Gonna grab a bite. See you around.

The Road to Madness (I hope not!)

2007-01-29T14:52:00.000+08:00

Oh, hi again!

Haha... The last entry was done by the Dark Nadia... She is always so dark and pessimist and such... Really... You need a torchlight -or something brighter- to find her... I am Happy Nadia by the way. You probably had seen me around, gushing about cute guys or things like that.

Anyway, this is going to be short. (I hope!) I am a member of this website called Flixster. Funny but interesting little website. Cool, too. Check it out... I can't tell you how, because me myself don't know. Hah!

As you have noticed earlier, I changed my music, from soft to well... uh-huh. Blame that Get Backers. I love the song, but can't download it. Not in this lame school computer anyway. Ah... but Kazuki is so cute!!! (There I go again)

Hmm.. what else?

Oh, yeah. I think I have 3 CCAs, now. SC, is one, MIC Studio is another, and probably (haven't confirmed yet) Interact Club. I am 'stuck' in SC - there's no way I'm gonna back out from that one, I want to script-write, so yes, MIC Studio, I'm in, and I love helping out those in need, so Interact Club is the best way I can really help out. So what now? If I am in 3 CCAs, I sure hope I can cope. Maybe I am having too much free time in my hands... and maybe I hope to get rid of them... but joining 3 CCAs? I think I must be outta my mind.

Oh well, outta my mind or not I will try my best to contribute my efforts. Once I've set my mind on anything, I will be it all the way. Besides, I am not one who can be easily pressurized. You will know when I am stressed. But don't worry... it will be over in a second, so yeah, there's isn't any need to be frightened of.

Okay... when Dark Nadia gets a little too dark, you better get ready to run. She tends to be very sarcastic. She shapes words like a weapon that hurts more than any physical blade. Serious. You will never want to cross path with her when she's in that mood.

Dark Nadia: Hey, stop talking about me and get on with it!

(roll my eyes) Fine. Geez. Ignore her. She just sometimes loves to pop out out of nowhere and interrupts me. It's okay, though. I'm fine with it.

Oh well, gotta go. This entry is a little bit of a nonsense, but oh well... an entry is still an entry. Now I have gotten this off my chest I can concentrate on something else. Until then, my friend, see you. Hope it will be ME in the next entry, not the Dark Nadia.

Dark Nadia: Shut up!

(chuckles) Haha! See you soon!

Year of the Pig = Unlucky Year for Me?

2007-01-29T14:03:00.000+08:00

Damn.... so many bad things happen to me.... Am I that unlucky?

Oh, yeah, hi guys.

Like I was saying, so many bad things had happened to me. In the first month of the new year. First, I lost my MP3 (I know, that happened last month of the last year. ) , then my computer broke down (my soul, too). Now my rabbits are gone! (Yeah, gone!) and my sister MP3's cracked. Could things get any worse?!

I was seriously devastated when I realized that my rabbits are gone! It happened two days ago, and I remembered that on Wednesday night after watyching Get Backers until 12mn, I was hesitating so as to feed the rabbits, clean them and change their drinking water. But I did, because I pity them. I can't believe that that was the last time I ever saw them, fed them... I can't belive it! It has to be a dream... No, a nightmare! They can't be GONE! They can't be! They were always there, right outside... now they are not.... the spot where they are is now empty! Dammit! Who have such a heart to do that?! Argh!!! I'll kill the culprit should I ever meet him! I swear! Damn it all!

Right now I am trying so hard NOT to think about it. Because if I do, I will start feeling the sadness all over again. Yes, I would break down and cry, and because I'm not THAT weak, I refuse to think about it. No, I am not merciless. No, I am not heartless. In my heart I weep for their loss. Not openly. Now all that remains are the half-empty container of their food. Half-empty... huh... just like my life now. Not half-full. It's half-empty.

This is utterly ridiculous. What have I done in my life, or past life, to deserve a life like this? Damn... it never rains but it pours... Right now I'm drenching wet and utterly miserable. When can I ever see the sunlight of happiness again? When?!

......... I have enough of this nonsense. I have enough of this sufferings. I need a break, and fast. I don't know how long I can hang on, how long I can hold out before I shatter altogether... into smithereens that can't be patched up. It is going to happen, but hopefully not anytime soon. I can still stand tall with my head held high, despite the storm raging behind my back. My heart can still take more darkness. I can still hang on.

Alright guys, I think I better sign off for now. See you soon. Hopefully with brighter entries. Not one as dark as this.

Yesterday's Fun!

2007-01-23T11:21:00.000+08:00

Hey, guys!

In hyper mode, aren't I? Haha! You bet!

Yesterday I end up downloading three songs, all of them are so cool! The ones I've been looking for for so long! Detective Conan - Truth, and Start in my Life, and Inuyasha -Grip. And I will continue my search for more! I will never stop until I can get what I want! Haha... I know... humans can never be satisfied... and I am one of them. Guilty as charged. But it applies to only songs, though... I hope....

Then after downloading the songs, my friend and her classmate invited me to play UNO Stacko, Jinggle-style. I am a risk taker. Daring to remove the tiles from the bottom part of the shaky tower and yeah, trying to make that thing stand on one tile. One-legged, as we called it. We had so much fun! And I was having the best fun in my life! And we plan to do it again!

Another short entry, I know... I might be coming back later today... so you just wait! If I can't make it, there is always tomorrow, right? (winks)

Okay, see you soon!!

Pure Pointless Randomness (Again!)

2007-01-22T15:00:00.000+08:00

Hi, good afternoon!

Haha... I don't know what's up with my brother... he never once utter a word to me ever since that computer incident... but oh, well, it's alright.

You probably noticed it... that my blog is showered by tiny snowflakes! It just made my blog awesome, right? All thanks to my other best friend, Cherlynn (Also a C, if you realized that) Though it seems to me that the snowflakes are just small asterixs! But who cares? At least now my blog looks real nice.

Hmm... what else? I am now trying to download one Inuyasha song, which, -can you believe it?- takes 1 hour and a half. Right now it is 35%. Still has 1hr and 3 mins to go. See if I can last that long.

Yes! Finally someone does agree that I am, indeed a great writer. My talent is about to be recognised! Well, at least I hope so. There are a lot of better writers than me out there.

Dammit! I can't believe I missed watching my handsome Nicholas Tse on TV! It completely slipped out of my mind! I can't believe it!

Oh well, I guess that is all for now. Until then, everyone! See you soon!

Darkness Reigns Again 2 (lack of better title)

2007-01-19T10:54:00.000+08:00

Hello, everyone...

God, I am so fatigued today. Sleepiness is filling up my head like a lead and weighing it down, accompanied by a dull, throbbing pain at the base of my skull. Almost at once the hunger in my stomach begins to growl and snarl, viciously ripping at my insides, but that is just a minor problem. Okay, not quite, but just as annoying.

Haha. (laughs weakly) I know. I started with a complain. Perhaps I rolled off my mattress the wrong side. Anyhow, today just feels... so different... I feel so different today... like an empty shell... Maybe it was last night's incident.

When my damned computer decided to break down. My brother is stressed, and so do I. We hardly talked last night, but it was alright, because I didn't really feel like talking. With the computer almost dead, there is plain nothing I can do. I am no computer expert, and what most ocncerns me is the huge data inside the computer. My music. My songs. My documents. My pictures. My collection of stories. Years of hard work and research are all in there. I just hope, and pray fervently that they are not affected. They are not gone. I will break down if they are. I know my brother has 2 disk drives, the C drive and the E drive, and most of the data is saved at E, but I am scared all the same. Those things are very important to me. Damn, why? Why? Why?

I supposed I should feel glad. Relieved even, that a few days back I had half a mind to save my a-year-old Behind These Amber Eyes fiction and a recent Detective Conan oneshot entitled 'Lies' in my diskette before the computer gone haywire. If the stories went down with the computer too, I will break down worse than the com. Really. I will be pratically inconsolable. Those are my hard work! My dedication! My commitment! My effort! I don't want them to vanish (snaps fingers) just like that.

I really hope the computer is going to be okay. Soon. Really I do. First my mp3, then this computer, then what? The PS2? Please, no way! I had suffered enough shock already. No more!

Oh, right. This morning is also unforgettable. An amusing turn of events, that, however short, is enough to make me smile. I didn't expect it to be a joke. Really. I told my best friend Charmaine that her duties have changed, that she got a flag duty in one of the weekdays, and she didn't believe me, which made me doubt myself. Then we decided to see for ourselves. I was right, and the expression on Charmaine's face was so hilarious I broke out laughing. Loud. And couldn't stop. Man, I know I was embarrassing myself with pratically unstoppable laughter but... whenever I look at her face and at the innocent grey file, I would remember the little incident and starting laughing again. (chuckles quietly) Geez, Charmaine, you sure know how to make my day, and turn something into a joke when I didn't really mean to!

But I am still quite anxious about something. The NEA Symposium, whatever that means, tomorrow at 9.00am to 1.00pm at ITE Simei. Wear smart casual. Uh-huh. Like what? And another problem: how to get there? Argh!

Another is the Public Speaking course. Apparently something is wrong with my Edusave Account and I got to check it out with the teacher in charge. Why me? Why now?

Last one. There is such thing as the Inspirational Stories competiton or something going on. Yup, you guessed right. I am very interested to join. But I got so many questions to ask, so little courage. And the teacher in charge isn't exactly easy to find. (sighs deeply)

Okay, I guess I better get going. I had gotten those... stuff outta my chest and do I feel so better. Only my hunger is starting to make itself known. Too well. Dammit.

Oh, yeah, see you soon! Hopefully the next entry won't be so angsty, so dark, so dull!

Have a great weekend! (to self and everyone)

PS: Haha, long entry, right? Sorry, can't help it. So many things to say.

Randomness Again!

2007-01-17T11:26:00.000+08:00

Hello there!

I have switched to the new version of Blogger, and also got an accompanying headache. See that email displayed oh so clearly on your top righthand corner? I want to get rid of that. It's not like I want the whole world to know my email, and for some reason I can't seem to get rid of it. Damn, damn, damn... I am such an idiot. Hey, if there is someone out there who know how to solve this annoying problem please do not hesitate to step forward. Just tag, and I will response. A huge bunch of thanks!

Oh yeah, baby, I am on the roll. My writer's block has backed off a bit and now I am working on not one, but two, and hopefully three, stories at once. Maybe I am just determined to complete them and get them up to FF.Net as soon as possible, because I have posted so few fictions, and I am so embarrased. I want to get my stories done so I can get them off my chest. And get reviews. Yay!

Okay, people, I know this is one of my rare shortest entries, but I gotta go. See you again soon!

Hi, people, I'm back.

2007-01-12T10:42:00.000+08:00

Hi, people, I'm back.

Yes, people, don't be surprised. I am very much alive and typing at the moment, not dead yet, obviously. Those who wants me dead... well, so sorry for disappointing. I am not planning to die anytime soon, so yeah. (winks)

Hah! Don't know what I'm talking about, so you gotta excuse me. I know, I supposed to shout 'Happy New Year!' or 'Good to be back!' or 'Good to see you again!' but then... oh well, it doesn't matters.

Yeah, school has started, so hello, guys, I'm back surfing the net and trying my bestest to update my blog and stuff whenever I feel like to. So sorry to keep ya waiting.

So school got new computers. Cool. Great. But I am unable to get in to my favourite net Fanfiction.Net because of stupid restrictions. What the hell?! What's there to restrict for? FF.Net has nothing to be censored... it's like an online library for goodness sake! If I can't go in to chatroom I understand, but FF.Net? Hey, that can only means half of soul is dead now. Why must I be restricted to go to such a harmless website filled with nothing but good fictions? Goddammit...

Now I am silently worried for my incomplete projects. Damn onichan for making life so much harder.... why must he reformat the whole PC? And damn me for misplacing the damn MS Office CD/ Product Key and thanks to that I am completely unable to install the MS Office. Argh! Why must this happen to me? Looks like now I got to turn my whole room upside down to search for the stupid code or go around beg people to give theirs. This is so embarrasing! But I am really desperate... what more can I say?

This week started off real slow and boring. Relaxed, even, if I have any say. Got a lot of free periods because Business Communication teacher is absent for the whole week. And it is raining and cold too... Yes, I am complaining. Me and cold are not exactly best friends. Rain, yes, cold? No no no. No way.

Ah, yes! My best friend Charmaine had managed to find me my most wanted song! The opening song of Proud of Twins, The Invincible Duo, The Amazing Twins whatever they called it... a Chinese drama stars now in Channel 8 every weekends at 7pm to 9pm, starring by Nicholas Tse (my handsome!!) and Dicky Cheung. Yay! I owed her so much! Now I can listen to the song however many times, where I want and no one can stop me! And I plan to listen to that song while running 2.4km during a coming NAPFA test. How's that?! Can't wait!

I still have a couple of songs to find... but yeah... I will take my time... there's no need to rush...

Well, I gotta go. Got a 'date' with my other best friend, and damn, it's raining damn heavily outside... I have to go, come hell or high water... I can't keep her - anyone- waiting... Just not my style. And rain doesn't hurt... just cold and drench you.

Okie then, gotta go.

See you soon!

Why? Why? WHY?

2006-12-15T09:50:00.000+08:00

..............

(Sighs deeply)

Aw man... Why... Why must this happen to me?!

I knew this would be happening someday, but I didn't expect it to happen so soon!

My beloved, most precious mp3... now missing and allegedly stolen.

So is my soul. It died along with the disappearance.

I never feel so empty and lonely inside. My world has never been so quiet... dammit...

All because of me. A stupid, stupid moron!

I can't believe I was so careless. I thought I put it back in my bag... never realized I didn't, until an hour later... until it was too late. I heard from an acquantance who was using the com I previously used that she saw it lying in front of her, yet when her friend asked who did it belonged to, and when she replied, 'I think a friend of mine' her friend just snatched it away, played around with it and claimed to have put it back, but no, I couldn't find it anywhere! I was so devastated and furious I wasn't sure whether to cry or to slam my fist against something repeatedly.

.......................... (trails off and sighs)

I suppose it's time for me to get a new one, but it's gonna be a long time before I can get it. And in the meantime I got to 'borrow' my sis's mp3 until I managed to get one. Man... this sucks. Why? Why?

I almost broke down yesterday... the pain was unbearable... and still is... but I didn't break down. I fought back my tears. I don't want others to think me as weak. Fancy crying over a missing/stolen mp3. But really... I love it so much... I bought it from my mum's Watson shop, and it had become part of me ever since. Even though its look was a little bit damaged (I don't even know how it happened), others may think it's spoilt but it's not and the only one who can operates it is me! Now it's gone... so is my soul...

............... (breathes deeply)

I guess the only thing I can rejoice about is that today is my last day in school, then BAM! Holidays! Finally... I am getting sick and tired of school already. Glad the vacation has arrived.

Okay, guess I have to go. Be updating this as soon as I'm able to. Pinky promise! Take care everyone, and happy holidays! An early Merry Christmas and an early New Year Greetings to all!

Pure Randomness Before The Hols!

2006-12-13T11:51:00.000+08:00

Brr... I'm freezing in here!

Goddammit, why must this room is so damn cold?! I am very sure the aircon is on the full blasty, and I'm right below it, and me without a sweater! (shivers uncontrollable) Excuse me, I can't stand cold that much!

Anyway... from this Saturday onwards till next year Jan, I think, my school's vacation is on. I mean, yay! No more school, because I'm already sick and tired of school. The time for the much-needed break is going be here soon!

But that means no access to the Internet, as my house doesn't have Internet. Which is so lame... School is the only place I can surf the net and save stuff. The other places I know can't. And I bet after the holidays my inbox gonna be way full! Which means I got a lot of stuff to delete!

Yay! I've finally uploaded my almost forgotten Forgotten Memories Saiyuki fanfiction in the Fanfiction.Net. I am still new in this stuff, though not new to FF.Net, so I apologise if what appear is crude and... well, untidy. And I hope to get encoraging reviews - yes, reviewS - during the hols.

Speaking on fanfictions, I am currently working on two, maybe three. Two of Xenosaga, one is the same Lu Xun's story, now Behind These Amber Eyes. The third one is finishing, but still a little way to go before I can officially declare the fic 'COMPLETED!' And it's a damn long one, one I've been working on and abandoning for months! Horrible, stupid writer's block! But I am determined to get it done by the time the school opens again.

Okay, I gotta go. Can't stand the cold, and class is 10 minutes away. Gotta get ready.

As usual:

I'm not saying goodbye, let's play together again sometime, so until then, take care, Rubedo, Albedo...

-Nigredo

Oh, he's so cute!

Anyway, yeah, I'm not saying goodbye, we will meet again sometime, so until then, take care, everyone!

Lots of love

Nadia

a.k.a Rachel Hunter/ Zarathustra/ Shimara/ Nadiana

Of Entries and Cold (again!)

2006-11-29T09:42:00.000+08:00

Yeah, hi...

Come to think of it, it has been a year or so (a year already? Seems like yesterday...) since I established this blog... and before I knew it there were so many entries... I am only aware of uploading an entry whenever I can, and now... there are a dozen or so of them...

Yet, none of them is short and sweet. Okay, only a few... very few but that doesn't count. Most of them are lengthy and long, and some, just draggy. I don't know... being a writer (yes, I would like to consider myself a writer) I always have something to write... something to add, hence the lengthy entry. I know... you guys take one look at an entry and decided that they just contain too many words for your eyes to feast, so you just turn away... or at least scanned through a little. Right? Doesn't matter. Really. I am not forcing you to read anyway...

As you have realized, my entries radiate a variety kind of emotions; sadness, anger, frustration, regret, excitement and such. Yeah, depends on my mood and emotions, and what happen for that day... it affects my entries a lot. Oh, some entries are very, very dark... others are bright and cheery. The rest are just plain babblings or just randomness. Like now. Truthfully, I have no idea on what to talk about, so I victimised my entries instead. See? It's already getting longer with each second.

Hmm.. enough with the entries. (frowns) Right. Today, like any other days of the week, is very cold. I couldn't go on sleeping with the sub-zero degrees. (I know... I was exaggerating) The fan was in the minimal power, yet it seemed to encourage the chill in the air... and since I was sleeping on a thin mattress, I could almost feel the coldness of the tiled floor sleeping through the mattress and gnawing its way to my skin and then into my bones. So cold... And being a someone who don't like to use a blanket, much less a comforter, I was even more exposed for the cold to devour on. Hey, what is the use of the blanket if when you wear it you can still feel the cold? Yeah. It defeats the purpose. So trembling with the chill I off the fan and tried to go on sleeping, but too bad, the cold was just too intense. Miffed I rose to the land of consciousness. It was time for me to wake up anyway. And to make things worse the water was just as cold, if not colder.

Maybe cold is my enemy, or I am cold-blooded, so something. But it's okay... at least I haven't turn into an icicle yet. Thank goodness.

Alright, lemme sign off. Love to stay and talk and all, but there's an errand for me to do. So yeah, we will meet again sometime, until then, take care, everyone...

Randomness and Insanity

2006-11-27T13:28:00.000+08:00

Hey, hello, everyone!

Yeah, another entry from me. As usual will be real quick, and of course, random. If you don't understand what I'm rambling on about, well, that's your problem...

I have met a great friend over the net. And she's really great. We share the same interest, like the same guy, (uh-huh... cute lil' Jr.), hate the same people, play the same game... It is really hard to find such a person with so many similarities... and now I've found it I can get hyper with her and not get embarrassed about it.

Though she seems cheery and hyper and bright, it had taken me totally off-guard that she is actually undergoing a terrible crisis, one I can never find myself in. I mean, I should have known that not all people are not what they seems... like me... and everyone else... And I was really horrified that she actually contemplated suicide for abt 5 times... and there are 4 swords in her room... I tried all I could to deter her from even thinking about that ever again... and yeah, I managed to convince her not to give up on her life. I was really scared, and worried. For the whole weekend I couldn't stop worrying, but then today she sent me an email saying she's doing fine, and I could finally release my breath. At least for now I know she isn't doing anything stupid. And she better!

And in addition, my ulcer's getting better, too! I could now smile and sing and laugh without grimacing in pain, but I still have to keep that in check... too much strain will worsen the ulcer, and I don't want that. Damn ulcer...

Dammit... one of my rabbits... It's head is... is... locked to the right... I don't know... Like it was sprained there or something... and I feel so pitiful and scared for the lil' rabbit. Even though I don't love rabbits as much as I love cats... I love them still (they are cute lil' creatures) but I am no animal doctor so I can't help him. All I can do is to sympathise, and that will NOT help the poor rabbit. Not at all. And everytime I glance at the rabbit, my heart flinches in pain... Can't bring him to a vet... the cost is high... And I think it's the other rabbit's fault. (Yupz, I have two rabbits given to me by my uncle) Because even though they are males they keep climbing on each other... so I guess that's why...

(shakes head violently) Ah... never mind... Hmmm... what else? oh, yes! This week has a couple of event lined up for me. One is a dialogue session (haven't attend one yet, so not sure what it is) which is at 2pm today. A last minute one at that... and the other is a Learning Journey. (Basically to escort some outside teachers around the school), which is on this Thursday. The reason why I volunteer myself for that is to escape from lessons. Man... I got enough of them, and seriously need a breather... any kind would do...

Oh well... Lemme sign off first... my concentration wavering. Headache and hunger... So yeah. we will meet again sometime, until then, take care, everyone!

A Really Damn Bad Day!

2006-11-23T11:43:00.000+08:00

Hey...

Actually I want to begin with a string of colorful curses but I guess it isn't polite. Funny, huh? Yet I am not laughing. Because no matter how frustrated, annoyed, angry and exasperated I am I will never quite bring myself to be rude, as in, uttering profanities. But beware, I can be real cold, real sarcastic. You won't want be near me when I lose it.

Anyway, a pat to my shoulder for not beginning with 'Hey, I'm back!' and things like that.

So, yeah, back to the subject. I am in this black mood, even blackier than my blogskin, because I have an ulcer in the inside of my cheek. And I have mentioned yet again how I hate ulcers! Gimme some other pain, but please, I beg you, don't give me ulcers! It hurts to smile, hurts to laugh, hurts to talk, hurts to eat, hurts to brush my teeth, and hurts to do anything that got to do with my mouth. So even now as I type, I clamp my mouth shut, into a grim line that obviously make me look like somebody stepped on my tail or something. Except that I don't have a tail, but that's beside my point. I don't like it. Not at all! I loathe it. Hate it. Despise it. Detest it. Goddammit! Why? Why? Why?

Now my smile and laugh are strained, and I don't like it! Makes me look funny and weird, as though I got something on my face. Yeah, you are half-right. Damn ulcer! Now I got keep my face straight! And it's not even funny!

And that is not all. I feel listless and sleepy nowadays, and I also don't like it. I am not my usual cheery self, with big smiles and light laugh, cold or humorous jokes. But now I'm not no matter how damn hard I try to be. Sometimes things just happen when you least expect it to, which sucks, right?

(rubs eyes sleepily) Dammit... not now... Just wait for me, my beloved pillow! I'm coming for you as soon as I'm done with school. And I'm gonna sleep real deep... if I can...

Okay. Gotta go.. My butt's numb for sitting on this hard plastic chair for over a hour, but I'm incredibly relieved I have done what I need to do. Editting a friend's chapter, replying to her email and updating my blog. Now I can relax a little.

Heck with the quote. No mood to use it.

Let me sign off, then, with the hope that things will turn out just fine the week after. And it better, or my blog will fill with nothing but complaints. Hopefully not!

See you soon!

A Shred of Sanity in the Moment of Insanity

2006-11-20T12:18:00.000+08:00

I'm back!

(I gotta change the way of introducing my entry. Always start with the same old phrase...)

Oh, anyway... haha.. you can see that I've changed my blogskin, again, and this time, I won't be changing it for a long while, because I took time modifiying and editing the template, and the skin's real nice, so yeah, I won't be changing it, at least anytime soon. (smirks)

Tomorrow I have a graduation night party coming up. It's NOT my graduation, though, but oh well, no harm in joining the fun, right? Sides, this kind of 'fun' didn't happen everyday, so why not?

Man, I am hungry. Hunger is practically ripping at my insides demanding to be sated immediately, but sorry, I don't follow CERTAIN orders, so okay, hunger, you wait until I get home, then I feed you. Now stop growling!

(blushes) Um... well, that is a moment of my insanity. Hey, don't look at me like that! Everyone has their own moment of insanity. Admit it! You, too, right? Wait. Of course you have!

(smirks) Anyway, what else...? Nothing much. Oh, wait! I have tried karaoke'ing yesterday with my sister, but well, I guess I only made fool of myself. I mean, I don't like the sound of my voice when it is projected out of a microphone. It is just so... weird... I love my voice just the way it is! And I can't sing in front of others! Guess I am not made to be a singer, but then, so what?! I don't ever want to be one in the first place, so there!

I think that is all I want to say, but one thing for sure, I won't say goodbye.... we will meet again sometime... so until then, take care, y'all!

PS: Hehe... I just love that quote! Hope you don't mind it, okay?
See you soon!

Real Snappy Update!

2006-11-16T12:11:00.000+08:00

Hey, I'm back, and no, I am not yet dead. As you can see, I am very much alive and still typing.

Yeah, I changed my blogskin again. Like the weather changes, so is my mind and mood. And yeah, weather can be so unpredicatible. But I am not here to talk about the weather.

Neither I am here to complain or gush or ramble or cry. No, there isn't time for me to do so... Perhaps later. Lesson gonna start in 10 minutes time, and that is why I am rushing.

Heh, this will be my shortest entry yet, but it is still an entry, though nothing much. Just to let you know that I am still alive.

(winks) Alright, this is it for now.

"I am not saying goodbye, we will meet again sometime... so until then, Rubedo, Albedo..."
-- Nigredo

Or in this case: "I am not saying goodbye, we will meet again sometime, so until then, everyone..."

PS: Hehe... I love that scene about the sad incident between brothers. From Xenosaga Episode III in which Rubedo had no choice (again) but to destroy Dimitri Yuriev together with his younger brother, Nigredo (Gaignun). I was deeply saddened...

What the hell. Betcha don't know what I am rambling, so yeah, I'm off, now. For real!

See ya!

Heartbroken

2006-11-06T13:13:00.000+08:00

Hey... yeah.. hi...

It was a huge blow to me, worse was that I least expected it. Why must fate is so cruel? Why is life is so unfair? Haven't I suffer enough?

I used, and to my surprise, still, liked that guy. I hadn't forgotten him, and though I didn't like him as much as I love Firzan... The pain I felt is almost unbearable... Why? Why must this happen to me?

I saw him on a train, and I was hoping it was another guy who just so happens to look like him, so I didn't acknowledge him. When I arrived to hang out jalan raya with my friends and saw him -again- with an ex-classmate of mine... the world seemed to have frozen... my heart seemed to have stopped beating. I was shellshocked with disbelief and horror. I didn't expect to see him again, much less in my friend's arms! Oh man... I am so screwed!

Yeah. It is only a minor crush, but a crush nonetheless... It still hurts... Wonder what will happen to me if Firzan is already attached....

I know it is my fault. I never tell him I liked him, and now he will never be mine. Besides, he might not liked me the same way I liked him... or liked me at all... Maybe...maybe...

Ah... never mind. I guess it has to be this way... that I am not meant to be happy... that... there isn't anyone made for me... Maybe Firzan isn't going to be mine, no matter how much I yearn for him to...

Aw, crap... I sounded so pessimistic, aren't I? But I can't stay optimistic forever... hoping for the impossible is the only thing I can do right now...

Oh, yeah, here is a song specially dedicated to Firzan, my first love:

First Love (English)
by Utada Hikaru

album:

Once in a while
You are in my mind
I think about the days that we had
And i dream that these would all come back to me
If only you knew every moment in time
Nothing goes on in my heart
Just like your memories
How I want here to be with you
Once more

You will always gonna be the one
And you should know
How I wish I could have never let you go
Come into my life again
Oh, don't say no
You will always gonna be the one in my life
So true, I believe i can never find
Somebody like you
my first love

Once in awhile
Your are in my dreams
I can feel the warmth of your embrace
And I pray that it will all come back to me
If only you knew every moment in time
Nothing goes on in my heart
Just like your memories
And how I want here to be with you
Once more
yah yah yah

You will always be inside my heart
And you should know
How I wish I could have never let you go
Come into my life again
Please don't say no
Now and forever you are still the one
In my heart
So true, I believe I could never find
Somebody like you
My first love

oh oh
You will always gonna be the one
And you should know
How I wish I could have never let you go
Come into my life again
Oh, don't say no
You will always gonna be the one
So true, I believe I could never find
Now and forever

That is all. I apologise for such a dark post. And Zah, if you are reading this, thank you so much for being there for me when I need it most. I have no friend like you, too...

Blog Update Part 1: Lift Troubles

2006-10-31T11:52:00.000+08:00

Yeah, I'm finally back.

Actually, I'm pretty much lazy to update my blog, despite several promised attempts to do so... but then, promises are made to be broken, like the laws and rules are.

Hmm... what now? Oh right. Several stuff happened to my family during the one month vacation. Like when my 1+ year old lil' brother got his half of his hand stuck in between the lift door. Man, that was scary. I have never felt that kind of fear before. It kinda rose up and swallowed me, even though I looked calm at that terrifying moment, my heart was hammering inside my chest. We were lucky that a passerby came to help, and his hand was released in a jiffy. Fortunately, he suffered no serious injury, just a bruise and the affected part of the hand was flaming red. Still, his cry was heart-rending.

Well, I guess lil' kids are like that. You hold one of their hands, the other hand snakes around and tend to go to places they shouldn't. And they are real lightning fast, I told ya. One minute their hands are on this place, the other minute, that place. Kids. Ever so curious and just cannot keep their hands to themselves.

Before that incident happened though, I had this foreboding feeling that something terrible would happen. And an instant before that incident happened, I kind of this vision of that happening. So damn weird. I never, ever want to exprience that again. Nu-uh, never!

Reprecussions, I guess. I think the lifts of my block had gone nutcase or something, because they either didn't go where you wanted them to -like you want to go to the 5th floor but it brought you to the 9th floor- or something remotely similar. (smirks humorlessly) Heh, my father had expreience such incident, and from that day on he took on the staircase, until the lifts were completely repaired.

For mine it was an isolated case, meaning, I was alone when it happened, and it did not exactly go haywire, like it did to my father. It went like this:

I entered the lift, pressed the fifth button and then the 'close' button, and when the lift didn't close, I frowned and checked the storey buttons. Correct, what? So why the lift refused to close? I glanced up, saw the red numbers glaringly portrayed '19' instead of '1'. And there isn't any 19th storey in my block. Spooked and unnerved, I dashed out of the lift, head filled with questions. I took the stairs then, cursing the lift.

See? Maybe the lift was bored of always going up, down, up, down and decided to play with you. Scared you a little. Made your life more interesting than it was now. Really. I guess maybe machines have a will of their own. Malfunctioning when it is most needed...

Anyway, on the same day, both lifts decided not to work, so I called the maintenance and informed them of the situation. Then when I reached the stairs one of the lifts decided to function again, so I had to update the maintenance on that; sounding a lot like a fool.

Several nights later, I decided to go visit a departmental store nearby. I dragged my sis along, and at the last moment decided to bring my hp alone. Which was really a good thing, because the lift we were in got stuck on us. At first before it reached the 1st storey the lift gave a little lurch, and I scared my sister a little. Who knows that the lift actually wanted to scare us for real? It stopped even before it reached the 1st floor. Us scared? Just a little, because throughout the whole incident we could not help giggling away, up to the point I was practically doubling over with laughter. Yeah, I bet you think I was crazy, trust me, so am I. The people on the 1st floor who was waiting for the lift stared at us as if we had gone mad. In bouts of laughter I managed to ring my dad, who had just finished eating dinner. I told him of the situation, and he said he would rush down. Yeah, right. We had to wait a few minutes until he finally appeared, with reinforcements -my brother, the eldest- And after a few minutes of hanging out of the lifts gesturing to us, the lift decided to ascend to the fifth floor, before which my brother gave us a cheery wave, and we, being an idiot, waved back. It stopped on the fifth floor, where my stepmum was waiting while carrying my cute lil' brother. It refused to let us out, still. When my brother appeared on the fifth storey, the lift started to ascend, and the waving madness continued. It stopped at the ninth storey, and finally took pity on us, because the door opened. What else? We dashed out of the lift and sprinted down the stairs, to sweet, sweet freedom.

And no, we didn't have lift trauma. The whole thing wasn't scary at all. To others, maybe, but not us, because we can find the amusing side of a situation. And besides. I believed that the lifts are going to be okay, unless they decide to play pranks on us again, which I don't think it would, not in the long run, anyway. Lifts, really.

Oops, I guess this entry is longer than I anticipated. Way much longer. But it is now the end of the first part of my Blog Update. Stay tune.

Quick Update

2006-08-18T13:44:00.000+08:00

Hi there.

Let me give you a quickie update because I haven't got much time. Have to leave soon to go to CC, then return home before setting out again to go to St. John HQ with my sis to buy her shoulder flash. Hell, it had been a long, hectic week and it will be so for weeks after this.

Why? Because I am now a concillor, no longer a probation councillor. Yes, I know. It is good news and bad news simultaneously. Good news, because my efforts as a probation councillor were not wasted, and bad news, because by being a councillor also means greater responsibilities and greater heap of work, like Teacher's Day, Bishan Carnival, Accounting Day are coming. I will try my bestest to cope and contribute. For now I have to get a yellow shirt and a pair of court shoes for the councillor's uniform. Which means I have to starve next week.

And you know I have the habit of reaching school before the dawn breaks. And it so happen that when I reached there, around 6.45am or a little later, the school gate is locked. Still locked. And was not the only one locked out, that's the point. And it happens a few times. One time I let it go, but if it happens again I will be royally pissed off. The one holding the key should be arriving earlier than anyone else, not arriving late and keep everyone waiting. Okay, my fault to for arriving too early, but hey, I didn't get locked out from my school for being an early bird!

I think there's nothing else for me to continue. Even if there's something, I can't recall any. So that is all, I guess.

Hope to update soon.

Random Musings

2006-07-27T12:25:00.000+08:00

Hey, I'm back.

I know my last entry is a little too sappy, well, I was in the mood. But it is true, and a fact. This time, my entry is going to be... random.

Yay! I got Kingdom Hearts font, Angel font, Buffy font, but have not install them yet. I seriously hope they can be installed in the computer back at home. I am so excited.

I got a tagboard in my blog, finally! Yay! Zah, you can happily leave a comment now. Make sure you do that, will you?

Then, for the last few days, including now, I am feeling funny. Nauseous, constant headache... like when I was in a taxi. I don't know why I am feeling this way, and I hope that it will be over soon. I don't recall eating anything funny either... what is going on? Damn, the headache is like a sledgehammer being slammed repeated at the base of my skull.

To make things worse, I have an ulcer. An annoying, painful one. I hate ulcers. Hated it with a passion. I can accept anything, nauseous, headache etc... but NOT ulcer! With ulcer around it hurts to smile, to grin, to laugh, even to talk. Damn ulcer. Then at night it does recede but somehow towards my waking moments it also wakes up, with renewed agony. And I have no Bonjela at my disposal.

Call me bad, but I prefer not to have my dad around at home. He makes me nervous, and at times, fearful. It is like he is watching me critically, and man, I hated being watched! And I seem to suffocate too, when he's at home. But when he is off at work, I can breathe easy. Sometimes I wish he will be called for work. Bad, am I?

Then there is my lil' sis. She is so.... grrr... I feel like strangling her and hugging her at the same time! No matter how many damn times I remind her, she won't (or forgets) to help me tidy up the room, or at least her own things or closet. Every time I finished putting things in order, proud of how tidy the room is, when she returns from school and when she launches herself on the bed, everything is strewn all over the place. I hate that! And last night she was behaving so childishly. Fancy getting upset when her Sim character in a bad mood! How absurd is that? And she locked me out! How dare her! She never think how much I have helped her in her project work, how I help hang and iron her uniform.... No, she didn't! She never appreciate my efforts at all! And she dares hide what is mine! I am so angry!!

Then I've learned that my mom was in a hospital. I was shocked. If I hadn't called I wouldn't have known! She could have told me earlier... At least now she has been discharged but I am still worried and guilty. I am not there for her in times like that! Damn everything. I didn't tell my sis that, she won't understand, not with that dead brains of hers. Nobody understands us. No one ever does.

Then my grandma (my mother's side) is going to 'umrah' today, at 5.30pm. She will be returning next monday. I wish her well. Have a safe joureny to and back. Take care and be careful.

But at least now my ulcer is healed. Yes, I continued this entry from where I have left off days before, so that's why the entry seems weird. Bear with it.

Ah, right! My family is going to have a new addition. My stepmum is expecting. I am not sure that is a good news or not. Alif is cute and cuddly and all, annoying at one point of time but with a new addition, I am not sure how things are going to turn out. Most probably tough, for everyone.

And now some dumbass banned me from the alamak chatroom. I haven't do anything, yet, so why ban me? Must everything be so damned unfair towards me? Please, if this is someone's idea of a sick joke, please stop it, because it isn't funny. Because I have enough. Just give me a break.

That is all, for now. It is not over yet, though. Nothing is.

Heartache

2006-06-22T13:20:00.000+08:00

I miss him. I miss with all my heart and soul. Ever since he left, ever since that day when I realise that I more than like him, I miss him. Truly, madly, deeply. I dreamt of him now and then, and after that, I feel so empty, so lost, so alone... He's a light that is there, but so far away I cannot reach it. A light that could never be forgetten. It has been 6 years... 6 long, agonizing years and I still have not forgotten him. His smiles, his laughters, his handsome and cheerful face... everything about him... I can't forget him... It is as if I met him yesterday, but yesterday is so far way...

At first I see him as my friend, only a friend. Back then I haven't realize how cute he is... until my friend asked me, quite suddenly it had taken me off guard. 'Hey, Nadia, do you like him?' And on that very instant I found that oh yes, I like him very much. And I also realize how stupid I was... why I never realized how drop-dead gorgeous he is?

Then of course I started blushing and become nervous whenever I'm around him, but I pushed them all deep down and be ordinary. Like he was just an ordinary guy when he is definitely not.
He's a fun guy, easy-going, funny, laidback... All in a guy I want are in him... Oh, recalling him brings me sharp pain... I have no idea if he knew I like him, if he liked me too. Maybe he knew... so many rumors around, maybe he didn't... If he knew, I was lucky he still treated me as his friend, not shunned me like some pest. I miss him...

Guess I was crazy about him back then. So crazy I wrote his name, half of his name on my classroom desk and then his full name on my bed, with a little heart above it. I got beaten up by my stepmum because of it, but I don't mind. My friend seemed to know who I was referring to, and I was teased mercilessly for it, but again I don't care. He is my world. My life... and now he's gone. Because I was so stupid. I should have asked for his number before I left the school for a secondary school. But I don't and now I am suffering, thanks a lot for my extreme stupidity.

At times when I ain't thinking of him, he suddenly appears in my mind, smiling, and I can see his face, oh so clearly. And soon after I felt so empty again... and so sad. I can't help wondering how is he doing, where he is now.. and there's no doubt he got girls slobbering all over him. He's hot, I am not surprised. And I am not jealous. I... I know he won't remember me like I remember him... he won't remember me at all... I wasn't anything special to him... I am nothing but his casual friend, I am someone not worth remembering...But deep in my heart I hope he remembers me, at least remembers me...

I believe with all my heart that I will bump into him someday... Someday... I fervently hope so... I will wait for him, will always wait for him. I swear, even if I get a guy, he will remain as the king of my heart.

I know this sounds crazy, stupid... It's an unrequited, one-sided love, I know, but I can't help it. Can you still remember someone for 6 years, even though that someone is not that close with you? Can you? I can, and right now, I can picture him smiling at me with his dimples on his cheeks. It hurts, in a touching way...

I don't know how to put this... I wish he somehow hears the wind whispering my pain, somehows feel it...

Dammit... Firzan, wherever and whenever you are... wherever and whenever I am, you shall not be forgotten. Ever. You shall remain in my heart until I have live my life and turn to dust. I vows that even if I haven't found you, even I have a man by my side, he, no one will be able to capture the whole of my heart like the way you captured mine. When you find me and wish to be mine, I won't refuse, definitely, and when you find and shoo me away, I'll back off, but will not entirely disappear. I'll be waiting for you, Firzan. Till the end of time.

Please... help me ease my pain...

Schools Blues

2006-06-15T14:23:00.000+08:00

Okie, everyone, no more angst, I promise, but beware, I got a lot of complains and comparisons to make. And in relations to my intro, (before you come to ENTRIES), yes, the darkness is still lurking. That leads me wondering where and when I can find the light. Can you tell me, Sora?

Anyways, I think it is known that I have started school, and this time, I'm a progression student in Bishan. Can't say I don't like it, and can't say I hate it either. Well, truthfully, in the first week of school I hated it. Hated it with a passion, coz it made me feel as if I were back in secondary school where the discipline and the teachers were somewhat strict. Yeah, and there was, is, a lot of naggings too. Guess one can never escape from it. And interesting how a lecture, nagging, or whatever you call it, can last for half the lesson before the teacher snaps out of it. In there I was fuming and seething, barely able to keep myself from arguing back. It was finally over, so was the anger, but then I was left feeling sleepy I missed the instructions on how to do the assignment.

Oh, also, what peeves me most is that there is no breaks. I mean, there is, uh-huh, but not enough time to grab a bite or a drink . What's more the canteen so far away. How can anyone survive 2-hour lessons? I can't, but I'm learning. One has to adapt to changes, has he not?

Bishan's food isn't nearly as yummy as that in Clementi, where I was from initially. (If you are wondering why I changed school, it's because I changed house. Simple as that. From Hougang to Clementi is quite far. Bishan is a lot nearer, but not necessarily better. In some aspects) I loved Clementi's food, and missed it as much as missed schooling there. I miss the teachers, especially Mdm Siti and Mdm Rohana, and the environment. I don't care if the school has an underdog reputation and I don't care what people say about that school. That school, to me, is much better than Bishan.

Sorry, Bishan-people, if you stumble across this entry. I meant no harm, and meant no offense. I have no intention to degrade the said school and compliment the other. I am just humbly voicing out my opinion. My deepest apologies if you are offended.

But there's one thing I admire about Bishan. The SC, as in Student Councillor, is much more friendly and amiable than the ones in Clementi. True, they do seem 'step' and arrogant, only if you get on their bad side, or when they are in duty. I am looking forward to be part of Bishan's SC with anticipation and pledge to give my all... if I am able to. I do hope the SC will not make me feel rejected, because if they do, I so out of there. Feeling out of the group lowers what low self-confidence I have and I am not able to contribute what I could contribute.

All right, that's all for now... I better sign off, coz I got a new entry to type. See ya'all!

Darkness Reigns Again

2006-06-07T13:10:00.000+08:00

Hey, I'm back.

Yes, I'm not dead. Yet. Since school closed I hadn't had a foggiest opportunity to update my entries. Now I have, so be forewarned; this entry gonna's be long. Very.

First, I start off with what had happened recently. Last night. I wasn't feeling that well (even now), and I couldn't shake off the dark cloud that hovered above me. I was irritated and pissed off, and my sister seemed not to notice my change of mood. I tried telling her about the next episode of Condor Hero, but she either honestly didn't understand what I was saying, or blatantly acted dumb. I was positively seething and fuming, and then she had the nerve to turn on her stupid portable radio. I tried calming myself down, but it was pointless. The anger kept building and building, until I finally snapped. I threw a large teddy bear at her. No reaction. I reached out a large dolphin and slammed it on her, hoping that that movement would release my anger. No it didn't. I felt only angrier. I couldn't recalled what happened next... she threw back the things I threw at her, and then her radio. It shattered on the floor with a loud crash, and then she threw my pillows....Such childish attitude. And what hurt me is that she was rude. Very rude. She stalked off to sleep in the living room then. While I savoured the peace, I couldn't help feeling the intense resentment. It was hard to slow down my racing heart, but I fell asleep nonetheless.

Really. She is so insufferable, so.... grrr... I feel like strangling her sometimes. You have certainly felt the same way as I do. An hour before my actual waking time, I dragged myself to the living room and tried to get her to the bedroom. There was a slight struggle. I yanked at her arms, she pulled them back. This went on for what, 5 minutes? before she finally said that she would head back to the bedroom if I went there first. I did that, and minutes later, she came storming in. By then I already had weakened.

I can only hope--but it's a lot to hope--that no one heard our brief melee. If not, I have to prepare myself to answer a lot of awkward questions.

Incident 2:

Yesterday, 6 June 2006, it was my first time donating blood. Maybe it was one of the reasons why I seemed to have a fever now. But putting that aside, I felt so accomplished, that I finally did what I really wanted long ago. The process was painless...............

I'm sorry. I suddenly lost the inspiration to continue. So much for a very long entry. The fever had taken a toll on me, and I was distracted. Later, okay?

Of Colds and Bus Rides

2006-03-13T11:59:00.001+08:00

Hey.

Sorry for not keeping my words. So much for posting up another comment by the end of last week. Yeah, right. (rolling eyes) Right now, I am sitting right underneath the aircon...let's just hope my brain doesn't freeze in the process.

Today, is a hell of a day. I am already feeling miserable because I am down with an annoying cold. Bad enough I wasted packets of tissue to keep my runny nose under control, and I am seriously running out of tissues. Because of the cold, I tend to sleep deeper than I used to; falling asleep and then waking up to realize that hours ago had rushed past even though I was certain I only fell asleep minutes ago. And the sleep was uneasy...it was not...how do I say this...it was not...peaceful... and that's disturbing.

With my sister off in her St. John camp, it only makes me feel worse. There's no one to tease, no one to annoy and irritate...really... but I'll put that off my head for now. Oh, and my room's light has transformed into a disco light...always flickering on and off, so i have to resort to use a table lamp. It's better than nothing, though,

Then this morning, I decided to alight at Bedok Interchange and take a straight bus to Clementi. And I regretted my decision. It was a hell of a ride! It took a hour and a half... I rode that thing at 6.30am and reached my school at around 8.00am. I couldn't sleep as planned, as my bum was sore and numb, and I was freezing and I had to keep myself from sliding forwards. I was in a double-decker bus, second storey at that and the bus moved agonizing slow and jerky.... Never will I ride that bus again! It's a good thing I didn't exprerience (I suddenly forgot how to spell that!) motion-sickness.

But I am going to try another bus, though. Hopefully it's a lot faster and comfortable and smooth.

I sound distracted, don't I? That's because there's someone besides me who have a liking towards the Three Kingdoms of China. And they are so....arrogant! Humph! As much as I wanted to watch the Romance of the Three Kingdoms, I don't want to watch it. The characters' not handsome, and Zhou Yu is portrayed as a jealous man. No way!

I log off for now before I got carried away.

See ya!

PS: Oh, and there's a quote I like.
It goes like this:

I don't meet competition. I CRUSH it.

Reasons for Delay of New Entries

2006-03-07T12:01:00.000+08:00

Hey, hello!

Looks like I'm finally back from a very long absence. Sorry to keep you waiting!

Actually nowadays--to tell you frankly--I feel very much lazy to update my blog entries. True. I am busy working on my new fanfiction which I didn't know the title BUT now it is 24 pages long and over 7000 words in just a week, I think, after a very short mindblock. A Dynasty Warrior fic, focused mostly on my very favourite character, Lu Xun. I just have the ideas coming I just have to keep typing.

Then, one of my friends just happen to mention that I can change the boring template into something more interesting. So I immediately set to work, then; going to www.blogskins.com and comb for anime blogskins, as I am so into anime. Well, not that so, but still... There are 400 results--I was like, 'What the hell?'--and I had no choice but to check them randomly. After a lot of fruitless search and an immense headache, I finally found several that met my taste, but being an indesicive person I am, I found it hard to choose what to put for my template. Then I decided on what you see now. Pretty, isn't it? Yeah, I know, it doesn't suit my blog title at all. Here I don't lament on my love life, for I don't have any for the moment, but somehow, I do have a certain special someone in my heart... and love is connected to heart...so... Oh, and blue is one of my favorite colors, though now, I'm crazy over red.

Recently I somehow insert a song in my blog, too. As I typed this I have no idea whether it succeeded or not. For your information, it's an anime midi. Anime midi for anime background. Go figure. Ayashi No Ceres; Scarlet. I love that song. Slow, sad, touching, like some of my entries. (Like duh...) I'll try to get another song, or maybe change the template. Let's see first.

One downside of this new entry; no one is able to post comments. I am pretty disappointed in that but have to get over it.

Oh well, Zah, I hope you do check my blog every now and then whether I have updated or not. I'm sorry I am not able to contact you these last few weeks; my handphone prepaid hasn't been topped up yet. Lame, isn't it? Anyway, I wish to meet you this Thursday, same time, same place. If can, I want to surf the net in your place again...internet in library and school is lame! Can't get in game website to get the guides. And I need them desperately. You don't mind, do you?

Oh, yes. It appears that I am still a member of the Student Council. (Damn, I was hoping otherwise). So I got to help out in the investiture thingy, a ceremony that the existing excos stepped down and gave way to new excos, which was held in Bukit Batok ITE. A tiring and boring one, that is. Especially the preparation and rehearsal. I am not part of the new excos, so there's no need for me to get up stage whatsoever but I and six other ordinary members such as I am got to help out in making the doorgifts and leaflets--over a hundred of them, mind you--and with the decor as well. I was dead exhausted and irritated, and if not for a certain guy I would have left the auditorium in a temper, whether or not that thing ended.

He is actually a DJ person, or whoever do they called him. Name's Fahmi. Don't know the full name but it's not 'bin Osman', that's for sure. Fahmi bin Osman is my Primary 2 friend. Amazing how I still remember him even as 9 years have passed. This Fahmi's appeareance is a lot different from that Fahmi (as in, the Pri 2 Fahmi). Darker and all... He's funny, easy-going...that kind...we got along quite well (I was about to type 'really' but that's pushing it.)

I will fill you in of the details, Zah, should we meet; I got quite a lot to type for this, and this entry is also too long. Or maybe I put the details in my next entry. Which, I promise, will be posted by the end of this week. Suddenly I got so much to type.

Oh, yeah, I also received a review for my No Longer Alone fic. And that's one nasty review. It hit me really hard, but I managed to shrug it off. I like my fic, and it's one of the best I've ever wriiten. People's bests are different. Let them say whatever they damn want. I don't care.

And hence, I end this entry with a quote that has absolutely nothing to do with my blog or entries or whatsoever. Or, maybe, it has something to do with them... Aw, heck.

I write down everything I want to remember. That way, instead of spending a lot of time trying to remember what it is I wrote down, I spend the time looking for the paper I wrote it down on.

Beryl Pfizer

Life Just Plain Sucks

2006-02-20T08:11:00.000+08:00

Life just plain sucks.

What a way to start an introduction, but I' m pretty pissed off to begin politely. Especially after I got a rebuking from my 'dearest' daddy because I didn't call to report that I was going to my friend's house to surf the net and was going home quite late.

I was like, 'Hey, what the hell?' I would love to call, unless you top up my prepaid. Besides if one observant enough he would have noticed that I would always be back home around 6 to 6.30pm, the latest around 7 to 7.15pm. Not any later. And that every week on Thursday or Friday I will hang out with my best friend. That is all. What has make him so agigated about?

Well, hello, excuse me! So what if I'm a girl? I can take care of myself, and I know what I am doing. And why this strong animosity against me? Say what he damn want; it's really obvious he favours my older brother more than he does to me! He puts my brother high up on a pedrestral and jeers down at me basements below. He keeps on repeating how independant and exprienced my brother is and insinuating that I'm not as good as he is. Like duh, he is so wrong. I am as good as dear brother, in my own right, and in my own way. Why doesn't he see it? Years after years right since the day I was born till now it's amazing he still doesn't understand me. Simply fantastic.

Onichan can return back home way late after going out for hours. I can't. What's up with that? I only go library once a week and he starts to question me. It's so unfair. But then again, life isn't fair at all. Especially for and to a second child of the family.

And hey, I save up to buy the things I want, not the neccessities, because parents should be the one providing it since I am currently not working. That makes sense, doesn't it? Neccessities like topping up my prepaid and ez-link card. That is all I ask. Others, I try mighty hard to get on my own. He just couldn't see it!

I think he didn't trust me. Do I look like I am the type of girls who hang around with undisciplined people, with those who smokes and miabehave? Absolutely not! All of my friends are decent, though their language may be rough. But teenagers nowadays are like that. My friends study hard, know how to differentiate between what's right and what's wrong... like I do. He... argh! Never mind.

Yesterday when me and my sis went to library in Compass Point with my brother, he didn't say a word, didn't acknowledge our presence, didn't wait for us, didn't talk to us, didn't anything! What the heck is his problem?! Treating us like we were strangers...that's absurd! And annoying as hell! So what if he hadn't fully recover from his illness, or that his pocket isn't as deep as it used to be? He didn't have the right to treat us like he didn't even know us! I think his illness had gone up to his brain or something.

Then things got really better. I woke up in the morning to realize that I wasn't feeling well. I hoped it would eventually go away, but it didn't, and now, I still feel worse. I hope I won't fall ill, but it 's like hoping for a campfire in a downpour. So I hope if I do get sick, I will get well soon. Being invalid and weak and helpless is so not my thing.

And then just now I learned that I am no longer a student councillor. Which is perfectly fine with me. True. I never really feel I belonged there anyway. The excos are all step, arrogant...and what truly pisses me off that they always make last minutes announcements, always have a problem in communication. They make their own decisions without other's opinions and they think they have all the power and authority they can do as they please? Heh! All the better I get my butt out of there. No stress, no awkwardness, no confusion, no extra responsibilities. I bet they are just as happy to kick me out. And look, they kicked me out without discussing with me; asking me why or give me a second chance or something... Heck. I don't care! I'm out, and I'm happy.

Lucky for me there's something that could brighten me up despite the dreary life I have. Yep. My Zhou Yu and Lu Xun. My Dynasty Warriors 5. I managed to unlock their 4th weapons, and some rare items, thanks to the guide I extract from a really good guide from GameFAQS. It was fun! But I still need to find more help, though, in unlocking the items and weapons for DW 5 and 4.

Phew! That's pretty long entry. Guess I've updated everything in here. So I think I'm going to sign off for now. Thanks for listening to my woes.

Oh, and Zah, if you happen to be reading, please leave a comment, okay?

Ja ne.

Pointless Musings

2006-02-02T13:50:00.001+08:00

Today is a hell of a day. My teacher didn't come, I got nothing better to do, and I got to stay in school until 3pm before I have a meeting with councillors before finally heading home. The whole day I face the computer, until I became tired of surfing the net, tired of typing, tired of sitting, tired of everything. My butt's killing me, and I'm tired.

Currently I am working on a new fiction on my favourite game, Dynasty Warriors. It is my first fic of that game, and I'm inserting my other crush in, Kudo Shinichi, the meitantei from Detective Conan, and his girlfriend, Mouri Ran, in my story. It's gonna be fun! I am positive none of the authors thought of this. But the story is a long way off. Still got miles to go before I can declare "Mission Accomplished!" Then I can edit and post it up on Fanfiction.Net. I sure hope it's not going to be as long as my other fic, Forgotten Memories, which is 8 chapters long and still not completed even though I have been working on it for 2 years. And worst, I haven't thought of a title or a summary for it.

I have post up 1 one-shot, though. No Longer Alone. Around 6000+ words... I hope I can post up more. Which I can, if I am dedicated enough.

But writers like me sometimes suffer from mind block, sometimes so severe I cannot continue a story even though I have the storyline in my head, and that can happens for weeks, even months. But if I can get an inspiration, I will type for none-stop. Right now, the inspiration is there, but the mood isn't. Like I want to type, but not in the mood. Dilemma, dilemma...nasty little things, aren't they?

I think I end this here. I'm running out of ideas on how to prolong this entry, and this place is sure noisy. It makes me feel distinctly uncomfortable. Or rather, other people in this room makes me feel distinctly uncomfortable.

Guess got a few more minutes to kill before I can bust my butt out of here, for good until I decided to return. Just have to grit my teeth until then.

Ja ne.

Games and Money

2006-01-24T14:30:00.000+08:00

I'm so happy and excited than I felt in days. Why? Because I had bought two of my most favourite PS2 games yesterday!

One is Xenosaga Episode 2. It contains 2 discs, and in ENGLISH. Last time I bought the same game it was in JAPANESE. Sure I love the language, but I don't know what the hell are they talking about, and that makes playing the game very difficult. And frustrating. Most of the time me and my sis had to guess what it meant, experiment with every item to guess what it was... and despite it all we managed to complete the game, though we left behind a lot of unfinished sidequests. Oh, and my Jr. is so cute!! I miss him so much!!

That game is more difficult than Xenosaga Episode 1, which I had completed looong ago. Yep. More difficult. There are a lot of complicated puzzles to solve, difficult enemies to defeat...but putting that aside, I think Xenosaga Episode 2 is rather better than Xenosaga Episode 1. The characters sport different hairstyles and attires, fantastic special effects, very captivating background and storyline and a whole bunch of new enemies and new things. But I still love Xenosaga Episode 1. Too bad, and stupid, idiotic me, that I didn't bring the memory card with its saved game data with me, and now I can't unlock special features in the new game!! Grrrrrr!! Stupid, idiotic me!

No matter! The 2nd game is Dynasty Warriors 5. Yep. I won't forget my Zhou Yu and Lu Xun. Sure, they are still as gorgeous as ever, but I still prefer them in DW 4! And I'd like to say that DW 4 is better than DW 5. Yep. Better. In some ways. DW 4 has more astounding background and effects than DW 5.......I won't say much. Don't want to give you the idea that I'm regretting my purchase. Nope. But too bad, my current, oops, my brother's (Yep, we are sharing a memory card) current memory card hasn't had enough space for me to save my DW 5! And that alone wants me want to rip the hair off my head.

Oh, yeah, I spent $20 for both of them. (Actually, Xenosaga costs $20, but I gotten 1 free. A disc, ten bucks) Don't look at me like that! I can't afford to buy original games, but someday I will. I will, for sure.

Now did I mention that the $20 was all I had? Pathetic, right? Now I have to think to find ways to find $12 to pay for my class photo and another sum of money to buy toiletries and so on. And I still want to buy a new memory card and a new controller. (One of my brother's controllers is a bit wacky) And each of them cost $35.

If only I am a millionaire... life would have been a breeze...

Okay. Alright. Enough. Do things slowly, one at a time. I will definitely achieve my goals, somewhere in the future, for sure. I will see to that!

That's it for now!

Ja ne!

Reflections

2006-01-19T10:48:00.000+08:00

Tadaima!!

Or, I'm back.

Remember the excursion I told you about in my last blog entry? Well, it was fun! I truly enjoyed myself during that time.

The first part of the trip was to go to Changi Chapel where it once housed the prisoners-of-war. It was solemn and rather dark, with a mixture of profound sadness aching deep in my heart as I slowly strolled around the place, reading the details and observing the pictures. How much they had suffered back then, and despite the pain, they were ingeniusly resourceful, and optimistic, always helping each other out. Such spirit, strength and determination was remarkable, and it touched the depths of my soul.

I've been to Changi Chapel before, years ago but I can't remember exactly when, but it was no less boring. The effects were relatively the same, and I always had the same reflections, that is:-

War, no matter the reasons, selfish or otherwise, for good or evil, for the country or personal issues, is stupid. Very. Innocents, women, children and elderly are dragged into the bloodshed, dying from a death they didn't deserve. War invoke a lot of sufferings and pain, a lot of destructions, countless deaths and waste a lot of money. War is hell, period. While money can rebuild a destroyed country, it cannot buy back lives the war had claimed, cannot erase the trauma the war had inflicted, cannot reverse the time before the war. There's no winning in war; no victory, no success. It just a huge, irreversible mistake man has ever committed.

Terrorism, too. I strongly oppose to that. I will not support terrorism or war. Never. It's just plainly stupid. Moronic. Idiotic. Because, I seriously think that humans are so...brainless...they not only destoy our home planet, they are destroying themselves as well. Will they be satisfied until the last of them are dead? Until everything and everyone is nothing but dust? Until when?

Okay, enough of that. I'm not here to discuss about dark topic, and thanks to my ingeniusity, I now have a splitting migraine. It hurts!

The last part of the trip was truly fun! We went to S'pore River and board a boat. It was my first time! And I loved every single second of it! It was calming as the boat glided on the emerald water, with the breeze carressing my skin and hair as the scene slowly swept by my thoughtful gaze. When the boat reached choppy waters, it rocked from side to side, like a baby's cradle. There's one downside to the boatride, though. It went far too slowly...towards the end I almost dozed off. And I can't lean down and dipped my hand in the water as the boat glided on, even though I wanted to.

And all this while, '....let's go down to the riverside, it's an unforgettable sight..." the song -darn, I forgot the title!- keep playing in my head. It seemed fitting, somehow. What the heck...it was fitting.

Maybe next time I go for a cruise or something. It would be great; watching the sun set and sun rise by the vast sea...Maybe someday... Or maybe on a boat or ship that goes really, absolutely fast...that would also be great!

Then, after the boatride, I had a chocolate ice-cream, barely able to finish it when the sky opened up and the rain came pouring down hard and fast with vengeance. The lot of us squeezed in a small shelther, but had to move out as the other boat passengers were coming in. Most of my classmates dashed through the downpour, some frantically shared umbrellas. Me? I just casually walked through the rain as I did in the sun, hands in pockets, but with quicker pace. Why run or share umbrellas when you'll get wet either way? I tilted my head up, welcoming the rain on my skin. It felt almost cleansing and calm...like the rain itself washed all my worries and pain and despair away, even though the rain was heavier than I liked. I was soaking wet by the time I reached the bus, shivering and cold, but I didn't mind. I felt calmer than I had in days... albeit with a dull headache throbbing at the base of my skull.

What I regret most is that I didn't bring along a camera! Stupid me... But daijobu...it's okay... I can always go back and spend more time there, with my sis or my best friend, sometime in the future when time and money permit us.

Alright, I'm wrapping up. Overall, I enjoyed the trip, and enjoyed myself. I will not forget that memorable day anytime soon.

Lemme sign off, then!

Ja ne!

What a Week!

2006-01-18T09:07:00.000+08:00

Oh, yeah, what a week. I've been so busy lately. Dealing with my councillor's stuff and duties until I had to miss my lessons. Oh, did I mention that it had been a very exhausting week?

This week is when the Jan Intake came in. And my CCA deals with them, sort of welcoming them, ushering them into the hall and to their classrooms, showing their way around the school, organising the ice-breaking games...all within the last two days. And I am still tired.

But on the bright side, I met two gorgeous councillors, and you are right, Zah, they are Chinese. Tall and handsome. One is Nicholas, which reminds me of Legolas, from LOTR, and Alvin, who is just as gorgeous. I've talked to Nicholas before, and managed not to melt under his gaze as we talked. The same to Alvin. When we were playing one of the ice-breaking games with the Jan Intake class, I was frustrated that I didn't know what number they chose. So I went to him and asked. He leaned close to my ear and whispered the answer. I was like... 'Oh my god...' And then started imagining him um... (blushing furiously) missed and landed a kiss on my cheek instead.

And then when everything is over, he came to me and said something like, 'Thank you. You've doing great. Well done."

I was like, "Huh? Really?" But he wouldn't elaborate, so I let it rest, though I still couldn't help wondering what he meant and what I had done to deserve such praise.

Damn...damn...damn... just look at me. I'm so...shameless, thinking of such thing! I sure hope none of them stumbled into this little blog of mine, and if they do, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to do any harm. Just what I feel and think, right, Zah? Besides, I didn't know their full name...could be any Nicholas, or any Alvin. Right? Right? And it's an honest opinion. Right from the bottom of my heart.

In short, they are like the real life version of my Zhou Yu and Lu Xun. I can't decide who to choose from should they want me (that would come lifetimes later). Or which is handsomer.

And they make going to meetings and the activities torelable. They have my utmost and warmest thanks and raspberry kisses.

Darn, I hope to keep this short, since I am tired, and my head hurts from trying to stay awake despite my brain's command for me to sleep, but when it comes to hot guys, even me could't help rambling!

Oh, yeah, today I'm going to Changi Chapel and S'pore River Cruise as part of our school's National Heitage Tour 2006 with my classmates. I'm so excited. I hope that we board a boat, since I've never been on one before.

This week may be a hell of a week, but I'm kinda free tomorrow. Wanna meet, Zah, same time, same place?

'Zat's all for now. Hope I will encounter more interesting stuff to put here.

Ja ne!